Smile and the world smiles back

I had a major shift in my consciousness the past week.  I let go.  After three and a half years of trying to gain control of my life, my surroundings, my weight, my happiness...I just let go.  Let's back up....I have been re-committing myself to yoga lately (I am going on my seventh day of consecutive yoga woohoo).  I have found that by letting myself be active when I want and rest when I need to and balancing all actions appropriately without over-thinking every tiny little thing, I naturally find balance by the end of the day.  I can't stop smiling.  It rises out of me from nowhere because I realize all the things I was worrying about are trivial.  Everything sorts itself out.  Everything is constantly changing.  We really have no control over our lives, but the more we tune in to how we are feeling we can automatically remedy anything that feels off.  That way we stay in tune with our needs instead of ignoring and pushing ourselves to keep going despite obvious signals (sickness, migraines, fatigue, irritability) telling us to slow down or speed up. 

We want to believe we are in control.  To live in a world where nothing is in our control is very scary; that anything could happen at any possible moment.  Instead of viewing our lack of control as a scary concept we can choose to look at this with a positive outlook.  How wonderful it is to live this life of unpredictability!  Anything is possible any second of the day.  In every "negative" instance there is always a positive skew.  It takes practice and it takes work but with time one can see every situation as a blessing.  Think about all the mistakes, heart breaks, and turbulent times you have been through in the past and then think about where you are today.  How much have you learned?  How are you different?  How have those instances altered your frame of mind? 

I thank my lucky stars for my hard times because they have made me who I am today and I love who I am today.  I wish the same for all of you.  That you are able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, " I love you." Your self love is all you need.  When you shine from the inside out others can tell your brilliance is truly genuine and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  You are happy and others see you as a happy person which makes you happier.  As a side note, if you are not happy right now; if you are struggling to even get out of bed in the morning the only advice I would have is 1.  let yourself feeeeel your emotions.  Don't deny yourself grief, sadness, and self expression, or even tears.  2. let yourself smile.  Humor heals all so even in the dark of the night you can keep a twinkle in your eye because these times too shall pass. 

Let go, soften, open yourself, breath, smile, laugh.

Thoughts are transient so laugh

I had a profound thought today about how transient thoughts are haha.  Through my yoga class and being introduced to Jin Shin Jyustu I watched my thoughts today and saw how they bubble up, come to the surface, create some emotional response and then pop or drift down into the abyss again.  Thoughts are just thoughts.  I had a million thoughts come up in my brain today and I was luckily in a good space so I was able to watch how I have it in my power to not give my thoughts power.  It is up to me to decide what I want to do with the thoughts that pass through my brain. 

That idea, for some reason, is really comforting!!  Every time I had an overly emotional response to a random thought I was able to stop and ask myself, 1. does it really matter all that much? and 2. I have the choice to laugh.  And that is what I did.  Instead of feeding an uncomfortable thought with my emotions, I sent it away with love.  I keep hearing the same advice from yoga teachers lately: if its not fun, why do it?  If you aren't smiling, then what can you do to change your situation to bring a grin to that beautiful face? 

Take control of your life.  It is your decision to feel overwhelmed, it is you who does not laugh when our brains want to make our life into dramas, it is us who feed disturbing thoughts or situations by ruminating over them.  Know that you have the power within you to heal, to change, to laugh!  I forget to laugh a lot, but I learn more and more every day that even the way I think is funny.  The way I'm so used to living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially when everything is going well.  Now, I want to laugh.  I want to laugh at my habitual reactions because I'd rather be laughing and smiling and enjoying my life, then letting my transient thoughts win over.  So what do you choose?

Choose Happiness

Quick post before I go to sleep...

I'm realizing more and more these days that happiness is not something that comes easily.  It is not something that can be defined in a general sense as it feels and comes differently to every single individual.  But one thing that I am learning is that happiness is a choice.  We can choose to live our lives moment to moment beating ourselves up in our heads and thinking negative thoughts or we can choose to fill ourselves with positive affirmations and light. 

This past weekend I was at an all weekend yoga immersion.  I was learning the seven loops of Anusara Yoga and on the last day were the last two loops: skull and shoulder loop.  This is mainly where I hold my tension (and where most of us do because of constantly sitting and driving around in cars slumped over).  During the morning practice I kept practicing these two loops and going over and over the knots in my neck and shoulders.  Tears began to come up from deep within me.  I shoved them back down to get through the practice.  At the end one of the assistants came over to me and asked if I was alright and I just said that it is amazing how our knots/our muscles hold our emotions and a lot came up for me.  She just looked at me and said let it out, let it all go. 

With someone giving me permission I just began to cry.  It wasn't hysterical and it wasn't light.  It was a continuous stream of tears of recognition (with a smile across my face from relief of just letting myself do what I needed to do:cry).  Recognition of the pain I have carried around with me of the negative words I have put in my head, of my inability to sometimes speak up for myself or speak my mind for fear of standing strong in who I am and someone not liking me because of that.  The years of hanging my head and drooping my shoulders and not looking people in the eyes to hide my absolute insecurity and lack of confidence, which I tried so hard to hide from people.

It is funny how the things we don't want people to see in us are the things people do see and appreciate.  Our insecurities are what make us unique, they are what propel us forward, and give us motivation to make the world a better place.  They bring us compassion and make us able to put ourselves in other people's shoes easier.  I sometimes forget to view me past as a gift.  A gift that assists me in being able to extend myself to anyone who comes along my path.  I'm choosing happiness now.  I forget sometimes, but I find I catch myself faster these days and remind myself: happiness is a choice.  Make the best choices for yourself: smile, laugh, and choose to be happy now.

When you wish upon a star...

Life surely speeds up when you start focusing on the present moment and stepping away from the computer.  I had my first weekend of classes at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition last weekend.  Needless to say, I feel inspired and filled with a whole new sense of purpose and direction.  It also made me realize how ready I am to go back to Grad School and be a student again.  Isn't it interesting how the smallest events can change our whole perspective on life?  My emotional ups and downs have been more frequent lately, but I am handling them better as I have the tools to know what to do now and am trying more and more every day to use them.

I feel as though this has been a highly emotional time because I'm finally getting what I want.  Now you may ask, "excuse me, why would that make your life more complicated?"  Well, for the past several months all I have been asking for is to be surrounded by people again and to have the opportunity to make new friends.  Last weekend, I was in an entire room filled with healthy conscious people who understood me and I left the weekend finally feeling re-connected to a community.  When I came back home it was like a shock to my system....o yah you still have your life here too where I am lacking that social network to feel whole. 

Two points to bring up that I learned from these feelings: 1.  One can eat the right things, have a great job, exercise and still be miserable because feeling connected to something greater, being supported by people or a community (like in yoga its called sangha, in religions you go to a temple or church) helps us feel complete.  We all innately want to help each other, connect with each other, and know we're not alone in our journeys while we are here on this earth.  To be understood by someone else is a gift, so if you have that in your life right now, count your blessings.

2.  I realized that I have been asking for something for so long that once I finally got it I didn't prepare myself to enjoy it.  I kept asking for the same thing; to have friends and connections and I was still focusing on the loneliness I had been feeling when that feeling was and is no longer there.  Sometimes when we get what we want, we automatically believe we don't deserve it.  Or that if we actually embrace that the universe heard our cries that it might be taken away.  When did we start to believe that we didn't deserve everything we want and ask for?  We have the right to be happy and know in our heads and our hearts that we deserve that happiness.

A note to all those who are still struggling to get what they want: life will deliver, keep trying and be patient (easier said than done I know).  Even though what you want isn't right in front of your eyes (or maybe it is and you're not ready to take hold of the opportunity yet) what you want is out there, just trust in that.  And while you're waiting... don't dwell on what is not in your life, instead be thankful for what you do have right here right now.

Winter blues

I'm ready for spring.  I'm ready for warmer weather, and no winter coat, and when I see the sun shining it is actually warm outside instead of deceptively frigid cold.  I have this love/hate relationship with winter.  I don't want to live without it because I find it a necessary cycle in our seasons and snow can be a beautiful thing (nothing like being cozy next to a fire while the snow is falling outside- picturesque right?).  But, at the same time, I'm an outdoorsy type of girl (something I have only come to realize in the past couple of years) and walking outside aimlessly is one of my favorite things to do.  Bundling up with my winter coat, hat, gloves, scarf, and stepping outside for a walk when its cold just doesn't bring the same satisfaction than stepping outside without any coat and feeling the warm sun on my skin.

Honestly, I think I'm just ready for any change and the weather is the one thing every one can talk about and focus on.  Think about it...whats the one thing everyone kicks off a conversation with?  There are two choices: either, How are you? or Have you noticed how crazy this weather is?  It makes me laugh.  I wish people would just jump right to the point sometimes.  I often start my conversations with my close friends as if we had already been talking for awhile.  What is the point of talking about the weather when I called you to talk about something entirely different?  I'm rambling.  Back to the point.

I need a change and I know one is coming up.  Well several actually.  I am starting class to become a health counselor finally after waiting months for the in person classes to start.  This means new people, new situations, trips to the city-which could mean a whole slew of new adventures and of course me getting lost inevitably.  I'm completely aware of this change coming up and instead of focusing on my excitement I keep focusing on how I'm ready for change, which doesn't help at all.  Do you find yourself doing that?  Focusing on the negative aspects of a situation instead of being hopeful and zeroing in on the positive. 

Experiment for the day: Whenever a negative thought or bodily tension comes up, instead of fighting it, explore it, ask it questions, and then find what you can learn from it.  I realize I may be frustrated with my status quo as of right now, but 1. we can always count on change, and 2. there is something to learn from every single situation, we only have to search for the lesson.

Patience, patience, patience

Hi my name is Stephanie and I have a problem....haha

Patience has never been my strong suit for myself.  I want what I want when I want it and most of the time I don't know what I want, but as soon as I figure it out, I want it right now.  It is funny how one can cultivate so much patience with other people: patience in listening, in responding, patience in check out lines, patience with driving, but when it comes to my own life and my own wants.... patience goes out the window.

I have become more and more aware of this lately as it is starting to make some changes and effects in my life.  I am starting to try and replace what I actually want with something else (ie exercise, food, etc.).  This still doesn't give me what I want, but just creates more disharmony within myself because I am covering up my emotions instead of sitting and dealing with them.  It is a hard thing to do to actually slow down when we don't feel entirely ourselves and ask why do I feel this way?  Instead, we want to cover up, we want it to go away, and we'll do anything to feel differently.

Every now and then it is perfectly healthy to just check out for a little while, but I have found there are constructive ways to "check out" and destructive ways.  Over-eating: destructive, Over-exercising: destructive.  Meditation: constructive, Writing: constructive, Talking: constructive.  Its an interesting paradox to know all these ways to cope with intense emotions and yet not always use them.

Do you ever find when you are in a highly intense emotional state that you forget to breathe, or think straight?  Your whole body is engaged in the repetitive negative thoughts circling in your head as you go deeper into the emotional depths of your feelings and your body becomes more and more rigid.  In this state most people will do anything to just get out of the loop.  To sit with ourselves in this state is hard and sometimes unbearable (mostly because even when we realize why we feel this way, we also have to come to terms that there might not be anything we can do in the present moment to remedy the problem).  I find myself going in and out of mindfulness when my brain goes to the depths of my emotions.  I'm not patient with myself here.  I have no compassion and I just want the feelings to go away.

This is a way I have been for a long time, but I didn't deal with my emotions well as a child and as I grew up I just learned how to numb myself so I still didn't have to deal with them.  Now older, and hopefully wiser, I have been on the journey of sitting with myself for a couple of years now.  Sometimes its not pretty, sometimes its not fun, sometimes I cry, and sometimes I engage in actions that don't help but hurt me.  Yet, despite how hard this may be, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I feel so much gratitude for my life my heart swells, sometimes I shed tears out of pure happiness.  To every situation there is both the dark cloud and the sun peaking through somewhere.

When you go through intense periods like this, remember perspective, remember that this too shall pass, and whatever actions you engaged in, never feel regret.  Each situation helps us to grow wiser and learn what we need to become more compassionate human beings.  Cultivate patience for your own personal journey.

Gracious Gratitude

I forget how lucky I am.  That I have such a wonderfully supportive family, that I have my health and all my body parts work, that I have an amazingly evolving functional brain.

This remembered inner gratitude came from a series of events that all happened yesterday.  First my dad came to visit and I don't see my father very often as my parents are divorced (and have been for quite some time) and he lives rather far away.  It has also taken me awhile to accept my parents for who they are and embrace and love them for all their quirks.  But, now that I am older and have more of a sense of myself I find myself being able to laugh at the things I used to get embarrassed about.  My parents ultimately are very funny people.  For instance, they both like to strike up conversations with complete strangers where ever they go.  This used to drive me crazy when I was a kid because as a teenager you want to slip into the crowd and "belong" not stand out as my parents seemed to do where ever we went.  Now I see it as a sense of maturity and adventure and kindliness in my parents.  It is interesting how our perspectives can change so drastically depending upon where we are in our lives.

Anyways, I digress....I took my father to a two hour workshop which consisted of one hour of meditation and one hour of yoga and he doesn't exactly practice yoga.  Every now and then I'd look over and fix his legs, but I felt so lucky to be able to practice next my dad and that he was the adventurous type to plunge into something that he really does not know much about.  Next, was the meditation.  The final meditation of the class was a half hour long and I plunged deep within in my soul as the teacher asked us to see what was inside of us.  I saw a scared, fearful, girl who was clutching on to control as hard as she could to keep herself together.  I told her to let go.  I just kept telling myself let go until the tears started to make pools underneath my eyelids.

I tried to let go of the inner pain I carry around with me from past hurt, I tried to let go of control of my world and how fragile I find things to be, I tried to let go of the fear of just living my life, I tried to let go of the judgement I constantly go through from myself on a regular basis.  I felt my body and my spine relax as if my whole body is carrying this weight around with me.  I opened to the gratitude within myself that I am a resilient, strong human being who can get through anything and is lucky to have all that she has.  The day concluded with going out to dinner and a movie with my dad.  In the middle of the movie he reached out and patted my head and in that moment I experienced true love radiate from him to me. I am truly blessed.

I have felt so utterly alone lately and yesterday reminded me that I not only have the love of myself, but I have the love of my family and even though I am not always around them or able to see their love, it is always there, I just have to tap into.  We are all loved by someone, somewhere.  Try not to forget this.  In addition, our own self love is the most powerful love we can give to ourselves.  Cultivate the relationship you have with yourself.

No one told me

An attempt at poetry:

No one told me
No one prepared me
No one explained to me

No one told me how hard this thing called life would be
No one prepared me for the trials and tribulations I would go through
No one explained to me that despite hardships I will keep going

I had to tell myself
I had to prepare myself
I explained it all to the inner child within me

The inner child never stops wanting answers
So I keep telling
So I keep preparing
So I keep explaining
So I keep growing.

Lonely or just bored?

I'm never one to complain being by myself.  I find solitude....easy.  Dealing with the ups and downs of life is a job in and of itself and I find when I am around people I can lend myself more to listen fully to them because I've had enough of sorting my own baggage out.  Yet today I felt a need, a yearning to be around people.  I mean technically I was around people as I wandered around town but no one I actually knew I guess is the clarification.  I was getting more and more upset with thoughts running through my head about how alone I was and some how that meant worthless in my brain.  Its funny how quickly we 1. jump to old patterns of thinking and 2. let ourselves get carried away with one small emotion or thought generalizing suddenly to our whole life instead of an isolated moment.

Anyways, I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to sit down and meditate and ask myself, "hey, whats up?"  And that is exactly what I did and I actually learned a lot.  The self conversation went something like this:

Me: Why are you so upset?
Brain: Because I'm lonely.
Me: Why do you feel lonely?
Brain: Because all I did was hang out with myself today.
Me: But you hang out with yourself every day, why is today any different?
Brain: I don't know, I guess because I'm wandering around town by myself I thought that meant I should be with someone doing that.
Me: Well isn't that just a misconception brain?  Isn't that just society telling you that you need to be around people all the time instead of enjoying your own company?
Brain: Touche self. Touche.

The funny thing is...I felt so much better after that!  Its comforting to bring to awareness what is our own belief and what are the beliefs that have been thrust upon us by our surroundings.  I have never felt alone spending an afternoon by myself to re-charge for work, play, and other various things.  Who knows why today I felt differently, but I regressed into old patterns of thinking and that can never be helpful.  Question everything.  Question your thoughts, your emotions, your beliefs; truly ask yourself is this me who believes this or was this pattern/habit created because I thought this was how things were "supposed" to be/go.  You'll be surprised by what you learn about yourself, but it will bring you even closer to authenticity.

Finding love is like walking in circles

I've been somewhat.... Pensive? Irritated? I don't know...insert word here....about love lately.  Ruminating over loves past, thinking about love for the future, wondering why love is so important.  Love is a huge topic of conversation in our society, but it is never really about self love it is more about love between two people (not the individual).  I don't know why we rush straight from relationship to relationship; never taking time to process the last but constantly needing that connection and to feel wanted and appreciated instead of learning to feel connection and appreciation from ourself.

I find the whole concept of dating kind of strange.  Its like an interview.  You have to dress up and look your best and say all the things that show you in the best light.  There are rules and etiquette and ultimately you know that first impressions mean everything so you try to make your first impression a positive one.  Then there is the waiting period afterward of wondering if they will call or not (even if you don't want them to call you still wonder if they will to see if you both were on the same page or if one was apparently feeling more than the other).  Honestly, why do we put ourselves through this?

Personally, I go out on dates as of right now because I'm bored.  Im not necessarily looking for anything because I know I am still working on loving myself exactly the way I am first.  I find the cultivation of my own self love comes before the need of having someone else love me.  Now, I could say that this is a cop out.  That if the right person came along of course I wouldn't let them get away, but I also believe because I don't really want a serious relationship in my life right now, I'm also not drawing it to me and I'm not putting positive energy out there in the world to receive what I know is out there.

So what to take away from these dating experiences: I sometimes get into interesting conversations, I clarify more and more what I am looking for not just in a partner but in life as well, it is something entertaining to do.  I suppose for all you singles out there, take dating with a grain of salt, even when we really like someone, if they didn't like you, welp there will always be another and another.

Ebb and Flow

It is easy to get stuck in a rut.  We find our routine and become complacent with it.  It becomes our security blanket when nothing else in our life seems controllable, at least we have our routine.  But even that isn't in our control.  Every day is a new day, yet do you ever find yourself approaching the next day exactly how you did the last.  I know for me, instead of waking up in the morning and checking in with myself to see how I am today, I get up and go straight into my schedule that my body knows so well.  I find myself going through the motions just so I can get to the place my head is already at, which is at work, doing some various task, or even with eating, my head is already at the act of swallowing my food, instead of where my body is at, which is chewing.  I'm over there (points to far side of room) instead of right here, right now.  The more my head is over there and my body wants to be right here, the more I feel this tension between my wants and my needs.

What I need is to let go and what I want is more control and sense of security haha.  Have you experienced this?  This inner battle between what you want and what you need.  A couple of years ago, I thought these were exactly the same thing, but as I grow older I realize they conflict a lot.  Then it is a matter of either continuing to fight against what I actually need and be a whiny kid who just goes after what she wants or surrendering control and listening to my inner intuition.  My wants having been winning lately.  So for this week my goal is to let myself listen to what I need and even if its not what I want to do I know in the long run I will gain more from giving my body and mind what it needs.  What do you need?  Write it down, read it over, and think about how it may conflict with what you want.  How have you not been listening to yourself and ignoring signals telling yourself you are not taking optimal care of your needs.  Never feel guilty for giving yourself what you need.

Me time?

I've been contemplating the complexity of slowing down.  I've woken up in the morning some days in the past couple of weeks and have just said to myself "hey I think I'll take a me day and hang around the house and not do anything."  While this is a great idea in theory, by the afternoon of still being in my pajamas and the only thing I have done is eat, read, and watch TV on my computer...well I start feeling like a waste of life.  I have these voices in my head that tell me I should have done something, that today will be a waste if I don't go work out or walk around or run some silly errand.  Why is it that we constantly feel like we need to be on the go?  Why is it that what started out as an action to do exactly what we want to do can get turned around in our head as pointless?

I have found I have a very dramatic mind and I know I'm not alone in this.  It can make a hill into a mountain, an uncomfortable sensation into excruciating pain, and it fights me every step of my way.  I've heard a lot of stories lately that when people take time to slow down they inherently feel guilty.  We're on the go all the time, running to work, making meals, talking, taking care of everyone else, and trying to better ourselves on a consistent basis...why shouldn't we take a day for ourselves?  Even in every religion there are days where it is written that people must take a day of rest.  Why do you think places of prayer were created?  For religious followers (which most of our society follows something) we are told to take a couple of hours off to sit in contemplation.

I suppose the conundrum comes up when how much is too much sitting and contemplation?  Apparently for most people an entire day is too much, yet if we think about monks living in monasteries they sit in contemplation sometimes for weeks.  Thus, perhaps it is a product of our American society that wants us to speed up, that tells us if we're not being productive completing some task then what the hell are we doing?  My suggestion: next time you feel the urge to relax, let go entirely.  If you've sat in front of the television for the last 6 hours watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model, or Lost, or whatever re-runs hit your fancy then pat yourself on the back for letting yourself just be.  We often forget how difficult it is to simply live and that we fill our time with people and things to escape or just make living easier.  Be patient with yourself, that is all you can ask for: patience.

The rabbit may be impressive but the turtle wins the race

There comes a time when you realize you need to let go, to slow down, to take some time for yourself.  I've had this voice in the back of my head for about a week now telling me to hit the pause button.  Ever since I got re-accepted to graduate school I have been pushing myself to keep the good luck flow going, but it is not something that is under my control.  Actually nothing is really in our control except our own perceptions.  How long does it take you to actually listen to your inner guide for what it needs for health and well being?  For me it used to be months of not listening until my body would get sick and tired and I'd be forced to slow down.  Now, my attention span to myself has gotten considerably shorter and I pay attention faster. 

Sickness, fatigue, intense emotions, tension these are all ways that our bodies are trying to tell us that something is not right.  Yet in today's society of hustle and bustle, we rarely take time to listen.  And, when we do listen we still don't stop and take action to fix the problems we slowly see arising because of our social responsibilities.  Think about how much healthier our society would be if we all took the time to take care of ourselves?  (although to note there needs to be a balance between self care and caring for others.  Too much of anything can be detrimental).  Lately, I feel as though I have been hearing so many complaints from friends, family, acquaintances about all the bodily ailments they are feeling.  These are messages from our complex system. 

We all want answers and we want them now.  This is what media and internet has done to us.  Everything and every answer is immediately at our finger tips.  But the only answers that can be valid for your unique self are the answers that come from within.  If your body is feeling achy, perhaps it is time to rest instead of your mind pushing you to the gym.  If you're over eating, maybe it is time to look at the emotions that you are trying to stuff away.  If you keep waking up in the middle of the night, would it be beneficial to take a day for yourself and write out a list of all the things you need to get done to get a better nights rest?  These questions only take a minute to ask yourself, but the benefits that will come will last you much longer.  Probe into your inner world, let yourself be the slow turtle in our rabbit like world, and take care of yourself.

Self Sabotage

Do you ever find life going along smoothly, that there is nothing truly to complain about, and then fear hits.  When will this period end?  How long can I hold on to the goodness that is happening?  We are all aware of the ups and downs of life and the cycles we inevitably go through, but instead of flowing with life we fight against the eventual rough spots.  I even find myself self sabotaging myself, making things harder than they need to be just so I can feel more in control of when the rough spots are going to hit (holding my breathe is also a good one for me).  Quite absurd to even write out that I engage in those actions.

The more we can let go of control and the more we can embrace the difficulties of life then we can stay open to whatever happens and still feel happy no matter what.  In my theatre days, I did quite a bit of stage managing and I always described the role of the stage manager as the eye of the storm; that while everything is crazy around you (lights, scenery, stressed out actors), you continue to stay calm knowing that eventually all will go smoothly and exactly the way it is supposed to.  As they say that theatre mirrors life, the same principle can be implied.  No matter what happens, the end of the storm will eventually come and everything that occurred truly went exactly the way it was supposed to (even if it wasn't the outcome we wanted).

When faced with turbulent times, instead of feeling overwhelmed, scared, fearful, angry...etc, etc, etc... try next time to sit back and see what this situation is trying to teach you.  We are all growing and continuously learning and each situation is here to teach us something that we need to learn to be a wiser individual.  Now I know this is easier said than done...but even bringing awareness and mindfulness every day and asking during even miniature upsets will this matter in five years?  We can constantly bring things into perspective.

The breathe is our most intimate partner

"The breathe is always here for you."
"The breathe is the only constant thing in your life."
"The breathe is the most intimate relationship you can have with yourself."

If you've been in a yoga class how often have you heard a teacher say these sentences?  I was in a yoga class this morning and the teacher was also talking about the breathe being our most trusted friend.  It was the first time I stopped to think and ask myself what the hell does that mean?  The breathe is the most intimate relationship I can have?  I have said these words myself to my friends, family, and when teaching.  Follow the breathe, the breathe will inform you, but no one goes on to describe why we are paying attention and why it is so important.

Being someone who has experienced panic attacks in my young lifetime thus far, I am aware of how crucial the breathe is and how it connects us to all the known and unknown information that is being processed within our minds and therefore our bodies.  One negative thought that I may not pay attention to and all of a sudden my breathing becomes short and shallow for hours until I finally am forced to pay attention to why I am locking my jaw.  Our breathe tells us when we are not treating ourselves with kindness and compassion. 

Think about it for a second, when you are stressed where is your breathe?  Is it high in your chest or low in your belly?  When you are relaxed, is the inhale and exhale of your breathe even?  Every time an emotion arises in our bodies in response to a thought in our mind, our breathe will tell us how we are reacting if we don't deal with the emotion right then and there.  The more we try and ignore a problem the more our breathe will tell us we need to pay attention.  The less we are breathing, the more tension we feel.  The lesson here: make friends with your breathe, let it inform you, let it guide you.  It really is the most intimate relationship we can foster....with ourselves.

Give and then give some more

I talk a lot about how important self care is and how one needs to take care of themselves before they can take care of anyone else.  On the flip side, giving not only raises spirits and extends one's life time, but also makes both parties (the giver and the receiver) feel good.  With all the things we have going on in today's society, sometimes it is hard to take our minds out of our melodramas and extend ourselves to someone else's melodrama hah.  I gave the last year and a half of my life to AmeriCorps and worked at a Drop-in center for at risk and homeless youth.  It is interesting how this job both drained me and exhilarated me.  I came home at the end of the day exhausted, not able to think or do anything productive, but after a good nights rest I couldn't wait to get back to work.  When we give our all, we can sometimes drain our spirit (I might have worked a bit too much to be honest), but the outcome and the impact we make on this world for others makes it all worth it.  Think about it: doctors work around the clock to take care of everyone else and have to schedule time for their own self care.

Here is a story I found that really inspired me today and I hope it does the same for you:

Giving When it Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Elizabeth who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I die quickly?" The little boy had thought that the doctor meant he had to give his life to save his sister.

When was the last time you gave, with no strings attached and no expectation of getting anything in return?  Try and engage in one selfless act today and see how it makes you feel.

Happy New Year

Welcome 2010! I had multiple conversations with people yesterday about how much importance we put on New Year's eve. What is the big deal? Why is it that society has instilled this idea in our head that New Year's eve is a night to go to some wild party and get drunk and not even remember how you spent your first couple of hours of the new year? I even questioned my own notions yesterday about why New Year's eve to me is so important that I don't spend it by myself. Whats wrong with just hanging out with me? Even if I were alone on New Year's eve I know I would figure out ways to make it a special evening for myself. That wasn't the case though as I did share my New Year's eve with my best friend for a relaxing night of laughing and cooking.

The other faux pa of New Year's eve is to make yourself a New Year's resolution. Where and when was this created? I think every day can be a day to make resolutions and to start again, but for some reason people put great important on this one day and this one resolution and beating themselves up the rest of the year when they didn't lose that 10 pounds, or quit smoking, or any various resolutions one makes for the New Year. For everyone and anyone reading this, just remember not to put so much pressure on your new resolutions because growth and change take time no matter how committed we are to that change.

Anyways, I myself will also fall into the faux pa this year. I did a lot of reflection yesterday. I sat and meditated for a good 30 minute sit and thought about each month of last year. First of all, 2009 flew by and its weird to think that I can still see and feel each month so precisely as if it happened yesterday. Second, I realized how much baggage I have carried around with me. Its weighed me down emotionally, spiritually, physically. I carried my wounds like walls protecting myself from further damage. Since I have come home and have spent time searching myself for what I truly want for my life and in my life I feel as though I am finally coming into the person I always saw potential of being. I actually feel happy. Happy about me, about who I am, about where I am going in life. I beat myself up less for my mistakes, and when I do, I quickly use the tools I have learned to find the silver lining in any difficult situation.

Thus, my New Year's resolution is to let go. Let go of the past, let go of pain over situations that are no longer present, and be more fully present in the present. It is not a huge resolution, but it is something that I feel will make this year and the years to come smoother by integrating all my pieces (who I have been, who I am, and who I am going to become) with compassion and kindness. This New Year, treat yourself with more kindness, find more compassion for yourself and cultivate more compassion for others. No one ever means to hurt us, they are only protecting their own happiness. Forgive, never forget, but let go of the pain, and embrace life just the way it is.

Happy New Year.

Tears of Joy

Joy isn't a word for a feeling that I experience consistently.  Maybe satisfied with life or content but pure joy is rare.  I was in my car driving back to work for the night yoga class; the sun was setting and there were gorgeous colors blending together of purples, oranges, and reds.  The trees were in shadows but you could distinguish them from the brightness of the sky.  It honestly looked like a painting.  Great music was playing on my radio and I sang while buzzing along the highway. I could feel my newly cut hair (which it hasn't been this short since freshman year of college) rustle against the back of my neck and the new lightness on my head, like I'd chopped off all the dead weight I've been carrying since I came back home in August.  Suddenly, I felt this warm fuzzy feeling in my heart.  It crept up my throat and back down through my body.  The funny thing is I first felt anxious because I didn't want it to go away (attachment: something I struggle with).  

I tried to come back to the fuzzy feeling stirring in me, but fear crept in.... I didn't want to feel happy because too many times its been taken away, but I'm tired of my old patterns, I'm tired of being scared of living my life.  So, in my true dork fashion all within five minute span of time I went from the beginnings of joy, to anxious, to fear, and then to crying tears of joy because I was really truly happy.  Sure, tomorrow might be different, in a week I'll probably be right back in the throws of life's ups and downs, but for now all I can experience is gratefulness for being alive and being me and moving on.  Embrace the joy.

Flowing and Hardening

I have a hard time being soft. I know how to push. How to push myself. Nothing is ever good enough; I could always do more, be more. I came to a very early morning yoga class before I worked today and I went into the class with an intention to be gentle.  This, of course, did not happen, because I have conditioned myself that being gentle on myself means I'm not the best I could be.  Where did I learn this from?  

I was going through the class and exerting every muscle I could.  I could not flow with my breath.  With every pose, I wasn't celebrating my body and what it could do, I was asking myself what could be more in alignment.  An attitude of nothing is ever enough permeates all aspects of my life.  And I have begun to notice how that affects my body.  I'm stiff; as if I let go and be soft that I might just fall apart all together so I harden more.  How much more weight can I lift, how many walls can I  build around my fragile heart so I can not experience how inadequate I truly feel.

I'm not alone.  Some people are aware of the fallacies they hold in their head and some people go on covering up and ignoring the thoughts in their head and the pain comes out in their body as a result.  So how do we break this voice in our head that says do more. be more, push more? Write it out.  Just like I am doing here.  Getting out of my head and out there onto paper, or the screen, or just in front of me makes me read the thoughts, acknowledge, and realize how completely wrong they are.  Then you get the opportunity to yell, challenge, change, laugh at your own thoughts.  Thoughts are not facts!  I am good enough!  It is possible to hold yourself up on the outside and be strong while creating inner softness.  Then shine from your heart out.  

Shine on.  

Almost New Years

It was strangely beautiful, gorgeous, warm weather yesterday at the end of December (wave hello to globing warming) and so before meeting up with a long time best friend, I took a walk in the woods.  Good thing I was wearing boots because it didn't even cross my mind that melted snow and dirty woods would mean a lot of mud...luckily I did not fall and get a face full of gooey earth goodness.  Anyways,  as soon as I take time for myself these days my brain goes into over drive.  Its like, "O it is quiet time and you aren't distracting yourself with those books of yours or the computer so now its my turn for you to listen to me!"  Anyone else experience this when they finally slow down?  All of a sudden there are a million personal things/thoughts that weren't on the top priority list that come to the surface.

I thought a lot about this past year, playing situations and events over and over in my head.  It became like a bad record.  For the first time though I used the skills I have been learning lately to question why I am stuck on this repetitive thought.  Surprisingly, I knew the answer.  I wanted to change past events, to go the way I wish they would have gone, to perhaps cause myself and others less pain through the process of past situations.  It is funny what our minds think they can do.  I mean I know the mind is a powerful thing, but unfortunately it does not have the capacity to travel back in time and fix that which we think "went wrong."  So what to do now?

Alright, I have confronted the fact that I'm still holding on to my past and that I have this notion in my head that maybe if I could fix what happened that I could be a more worthy individual of affection.  This was key to realize.  I think we all get stuck on things because our egos get in the way or our lack of self confidence and needing that extra boost.  Ultimately, no matter what I think and no matter what has happened my self worth never changes.  This is something we all need to remember.  No matter what actions you engage in, no matter what people cross your path, you are still worthy of everything beautiful and good that this world has to give.  So let go for today.  Let bygones be bygones.  Embrace all of your past because it is what makes you, you and breath into the present.