Presence

I know I haven't been writing as much.  I have found myself both elated with my life at times and other times so frustrated I don't know what to do with all the emotions I am experiencing....which usually ends up in me crying and then I feel much better.  Yesterday by far topped off the most absurd week.  I worked from 7 in the morning until 8 at night.  By the end of the day I was exhausted, a little angry for some reason, I felt lost, disconnected, tense.  I had no idea what to do with all these emotions that just kept building and building within me as the day progressed.  I kept trying to find my breathe, practice yoga, release some tension, use all the mindfulness I have learned over the years to soften myself, but to no avail the frustration inside me kept arising.  

Finally at 8 p.m. I got on the road to go home after not seeing my house since 6:30 that morning. I got on the highway praying that there was no traffic, as there has been a lot of construction lately.  I saw a lot of cars on the road and, worrying I would hit traffic and be delayed getting home and making the cup of tea I so desperately wanted, I got off several exits early and thought, "O I'll just use the GPS on my phone and use the back roads to get home."  Now, I was not thinking about how I only had one blip of energy on my phone left because for some reason my phone did not charge last night (which I later found out was because the cord came out of the wall).  Are we seeing where this is going yet?

So in the back roads, in the pitch black, I have no idea where I am, my phone blinks that it is low battery and I knew that meant it was going to turn off and all I could hope was that I first got to a road with my GPS that I knew.  Well of course that didn't happen.  The first thing I did...I started to cry.  It was like the last straw of the whole day.  I felt completely and utterly alone and lost; both in the literal and figurative sense.  Traveling through the dark winding roads though it was a strange thing.  I heard my ex's voice in my head telling me to trust my instincts (plus this occurrence is something that would only happen with him).  I made several turns before getting totally freaked out over the darkness of the back roads and decided to pull off at some random person's house and ask for directions.  

I knocked on the door of  a quaint looking house and before answering the door they asked who I was.  I explained my predicament and then a cute older couple answered the door.  I of course found the one house that did not own a computer (yes these people do exist!).   The funny thing was, I was going the right way the whole time.  It was this one fork in the road that I suddenly became indecisive and gave up on my instincts.  I was so close.  I got back in the car, relieved to have directions in my head and made the rest of the way home.  

I think its interesting how much we can learn from such a small experience.  First, we have become too reliant on technology to tell us the "right" way.  We have it within us at all times, but in today's society we falter and start to mistrust ourselves because we have other means to find the answers externally.  Second, the rest of the way home I was laughing.  Laughing at how rushed I felt to get home, laughing at what just happened to me, laughing over past experiences and how nothing goes the way we expect it to.  This experience humbled me.  I felt so lost and alone; as if I were on a lone island.  But, stopping off to ask for directions I wondered why I felt so alone when there were a million houses around me.  We get so caught up in the moment we begin to generalize every thing we are feeling.  Instead of thinking I feel lost for this moment, I began to think I am so lost in my life.  This is a HUGE difference.  Remembering to take all the time we need to find our way both in small moments and in life is so important.  We only have this one life.  How do you want to spend it?