Speak up

I will announce my true dorkiness (yes I made that word up) right now.  I've read all four Twilight books.  I was addicted to them, but in my own defense, they got me through a very rough time.  I just went to go see the second movie New Moon and, while I know a lot of people will roll their eyes at this new trend of vampire love movies, it brought up a lot for me.  Ya know how some things are just connected to memories?  I was reading these books when my ex and I broke up.  I needed something light, something to make me laugh, and because I am a hopeless romantic, it suited all my needs.  I remember I was having such a hard time with the break up that I went to Borders and sat for hours reading the third book and buying it only for the sole reason of knowing that if I went home with nothing to do...I didn't think I'd make it through the night.  

I was so excited to see this movie.  But, I don't think I fully thought through what it would bring up for me.  I cried a little at various spots.  Not because the movie was that particularly moving, (although I did enjoy it greatly haha) but more because of remembering past moments.  How I watched the first movie on my birthday with my ex, how I read one of the books lying in bed with him only so he could make fun of me for reading such...well crap hah, how he also promised me he would always be there for me...and now...he's not.  I know he's with me in spirit; all that we learned from each other, and no one will understand what we had and what we went through together except for us and no one can take that away.  Yet, it still hurts. 

I am reading a book right now about the mind body connection and how our bodily symptoms tell us what is going on with us psychologically.  When I left the movie, my throat started to hurt and the only thing I could think of was that I needed to express this pain that I can't stuff this down and think it will go away on its own.  We all experience pain and suffering.  Just think of the four noble truths.  If we are a living and breathing creature we will experience pain.  I'm not afraid of it, but I certainly do have a hard time expressing it.  I get this idea in my head that I have to be strong and portray a facade of put togetherness (another made up word for ya) when really I just want to express how I really feel and I want others to feel comfortable around me to do the same.  When someone asks the question, "how are you today?"  Instead of just going through the motions of saying I'm fine how are you?  Next time, take a moment and actually ask yourself how am I really?  You might surprise yourself.  And answer honestly, who knows maybe you will strike up an interesting conversation with someone and find that connection we all are searching for so desperately on a constant basis to know we are not so alone.  

So that is really all I have to say right now.  I am feeling my pain, I am feeling the tears run down my cheeks, I am expressing my longing for old times, for the touch of someone no longer present in my life and I hope I can transform this feeling into something positive for myself.