Spread em

I went to the gynecologist this morning. This is probably the least favorite annual appointment that I have to make every year. I constantly want to crack jokes while the doctor is making sure there are no lumps in my breasts or searching in the under world to make sure everything looks pink and rosy perfect. The doctor is trying to engage in idle conversation to make this experience as comfortable as possible and to get the patients' attention away from the fact that this is completely awkward.

While she puts my feet into the stirrups, I'm thinking in my head this is it...she's gonna stick some metal contraption up in me now and its going to be really uncomfortable. While she's searching around down there I want to say something like, "Sooooo how's it lookin' down there?" I think one of the funniest parts is when the doctor finally leaves I make the most painful expression on my face because owwwwww you just scratched a piece of me out of me. I know that this is very important to make sure I am in tip top health but....OW.

Honestly, I love the dentist far more than the gyno. The feeling afterward is lovely, when you get to look in the mirror and see a new pair of pearly whites instead of the feeling of grossness in the under regions. A male friend of mine argued that the dentist is far worse as there are all those metal instruments in your mouth to which I replied, "imagine those metal instruments up your private part." He shut up after that.

The disease to please

I have yet to unpack all of my stuff since moving home, although I did just recently open my boxes to find out what was inside as I couldn't remember. One box was filled with books I had collected from others but have yet to read. One of them a friend gave me and told me I had to read this book. It is called the Disease to Please. Now, I've been carrying this book around for months, kind of afraid to open it up and realize that I had a problem haha. I mean how does helping people get to the point of being detrimental? Well it can...trust me it can.

I cracked open the book this morning and in it are the ten commandments of people pleasing. Now even if you deny you are a people pleaser (which I think part of me has for quite some time) I read these commandments and couldn't help but laugh...here they are:

1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.
3. I should always listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
6. I should never say "no" to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.

That is a lot of expectations for one self and yet some where/some time as I grew up I found these expectations definitely built up for me. When you are in the midst of people pleasing of course you're not going to think it is a problem...but during this past year when I tried to please everyone around me except for myself that is when I realized that what I originally thought was a positive character trait was actually tearing down my soul and my well being.

I think it is a product partially of our society that tells us that being "selfish" is a bad quality trait and a bad thing to engage in. I think there is a difference though between selfishness to the point that all you do is take from others without giving back at all and being selfish to take care of oneself in the ultimate pursuit of being able to be of more assistance to others around you. Are you a people pleaser, and if so, how do you take care of yourself?

To thine own self be true

To thine own self be true.

It is something I have tried to follow my entire life, but it is much harder to do when you want to fit in so badly with your surroundings that you become a chameleon. I have met a lot of people who unconsciously and consciously do this as well throughout the past couple of years. So what really is the self? How do we know when we are being authentic? Is it a gut feeling or the people we are around that make us smile or is the self just a conception of our own mind?

I have no answers...sorry...only questions. I suppose I believe the self is a matter of our perception and if we are content/satisfied with the way things are and the actions we are making then the self we are being at that time could be a person we are comfortable with.

I look around and see all the beautiful qualities in everyone around me and want to take snippets of every little person. That person's intelligence, and that person's comedic timing, and that person's calm presence. It is hard to focus on what you do have and all the wonderful qualities you possess when we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people. So for today I am going to list all the positive qualities about myself and embrace what I do have that resembles some what of a unique person and a consistent self with which I have to work with.

I suggest you make a list yourself as well. It hardly takes any time; just pull out a piece of paper, a sticky note, the back of a newspaper and a pen and write down 10 things about yourself that you possess that make you really happy that you are you. And please share! What makes you unique? For example I am really happy I can do a complete split and bring my head down to my knee while in the split haha.

Which way is up?

Do you ever feel as though the events that are happening in your life are going to change who you are forever? Of course going through tumultuous events in life it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and hindsight is always a funny thing afterward. I feel like I am in a continuous state of hindsight right now trying to track backwards to how I ended up feeling so lost. My best friend said to me yesterday after I was trying to grasp how such a highly motivated and ambitious person could fall apart like this and she replied, "Stephanie! You wore yourself out!"

....she had a good point. The more people I talk to I am realizing I am not the only person that this has happened to. Every now and then one has to go where home base is to reassess if they are "on track." I guess I always intellectually knew everyone around me, including myself, were constantly reinventing themselves, but actually emotionally going through it is quite unsettling. My mother was telling me last night how many times she has reinvented herself and changed her personality.

I suddenly feel like I have been living my life like it was a race....to where I am not exactly sure, but all of a sudden all I want to do is slowwww down. Growing up is mind blowing and I know those who are reading this who are in their 30's, 40's, and 50's will read this and tell me, "it doesn't get any easier."

Soothing souls

I think it is amazing no matter how much anyone changes or moves on with their life the people that we get to know when we are younger will always feel like home...they will always be there for us. I have two best friends that I have known since middle school and high school. They are my life line. They are there for me when I fall apart, when I'm crying, when I'm making a fool of myself, and when I want to go out and have some fun. They are there for me through thick and thin and no matter how I change or who I become or who I'm with or when they know I'm making bad decisions, they are still supporting me. I feel incredibly blessed to have these two souls in my life.

I kind of had a break down, just crying and crying this afternoon over all the changes that have happened (what can I say? I am a slow processor when it comes to changes as I want to move on quickly and I realize it takes time) and there was one of my best friends right there on the phone with me...not saying anything but listening, and even though I was clearly not in a good frame of mind, she didn't judge me because she knows who I am...she's known me since we were in 5th grade...so she can say to me, "Stephanie you're talkin' crazy right now." And she brings me back to earth and settles me back down.

Do you have anyone in your life like this? The type of person that just sits and listens and tells you exactly what you need to hear to begin breathing normally again. I am so glad I have a person like that in my life, that will stick by me through anything and everything...and I hope that all of you have someone like that as well.

Fuzzy Blank

I don't have too much to say today, but am wanting to stick with trying to post something every day. I finally got out of the house today and did something woohoo! I went to New Haven (ok ok with my mother...better than by myself hah) and ate in the cutest vegetarian restaurant for lunch. I think candied walnuts are the best thing ever created...whoever thought of putting sugar and baking it on nuts is genius. I walked around Yale, which is pretty beautiful, but we only got the chance to walk arounnndddd Yale. Every part of yale is locked off, thus you can't get in, but only look through gates to see the beautiful quads on the inside. Interesting that colleges (especially Ivy League ones) have become a mystery to everyone who is not involved...or is this just being precautions of outsiders and protecting students...but why does a student need more protection than anyone else?

Anyways, it was nice to be walking around academic scenery and watching students sitting around, eating, talking, and catching up. I miss college. I miss being overly busy and have my days structured out for me...hindsight is a funny thing...life may have been hard and I may have complained constantly about how much work I had to do, but I would go back and do it all over again in a second. It makes me realize how much we all can take great siutations for granted when we are in them because it is so much easier to complain and pick on something than embrace all the positivity in a situation.

I got to walk around the Yale Museum and it was interesting to see the different kinds of art I was interested in compared to my mother. I have to say there is a lot of art out there that I am not sure why we consider it art. Like three squares inside each other all different colors....how is that art? I'm aware that if I knew more about art history that there is probably a million different meanings to three squares inside each other...but to my eyes...I think I could paint something more interesting. I am someone who enjoys still life though...I appreciate that its a matter of noticing the beauty in life just the way it is. What kind of art peaks your interest??

Sitting Shiva

Every loss (even ones that are not associated with death), the loss of material or physical things, results in mourning. Mourning for the death of something: the life you got to know, the relationship that you were comfortable with, the routine that seemed to fit for that moment in time. Any change results in a death. Maybe that is why life is so difficult; like a roller coaster as they say. Sometimes we are coasting along and there are no major dips and we able to handle the tiny set backs on a daily basis as our tolerance builds as we grow older. But, what happens when a major event happens resulting in this loss of which I speak about and then every minor set back becomes as large of importance as the major event?

I've always had a hard time with change. Change means that the life I got to know is no longer and now something new is going to come along. (I don't like using the word should, it should be stricken from our dictionary haha) But, I shoulddddd be excited about what could possibly come along, I feel as though there are so many wonderful opportunities out there and I'm stuck in this mourning phase of the life I once had become so comfortable with. As I sat and meditated this afternoon, I knew in my head that even this uncomfortable stage in my life will change as well...that with every upheaval comes a pearl of wisdom and the opportunity for something greater to come along. Yet, my heart says, "damn it this hurts." It is an interesting experience noticing that what you want and what you need are two entirely different things and are clashing.

"Onnnnn one side of the ring we have the incredible yearning agitating WANTING anddddd on the other side of the ring is the unstoppable uncomprehendible NEEEEED." Sorry my imagination went off with itself there..... Its like a battle and a balance of what my heart stubbornly wants and what my head knows it needs to begin bringing those wonderful opportunities back into my life. I know the power of "the secret," you attract to you what you think you deserve or secretly want. So the more I say I want to find my life's purpose and the less I act on it there is some clashing going on here...So whats my next step?

Where is the light at the end of the day?

I think the end of the day is the hardest. Even when I have spent the entire day around other people (today I went into the city for my brother's fiancee's bridal shower) I feel...hmmm...I don't even know how to put the feeling into words. I suppose its loneliness. I intellectually know I'm not alone (even those I love that I'm not in contact with, I know their hearts are still with me). Yet emotionally, I sit here alone and long for someone to just sit with me. I don't need words (they get old and superfluous), I don't need to be stimulated, or even touched.

It is amazing how even the presence of someone else can bring the sense of not being entirely alone (even though we all know we're not, just to re-iterate haha). Community is so very important. To truly feel a part of something and be able to connect with others on a similar level. I miss having that opportunity in college, where there are people all around you and if you feel that emptiness in your heart all you have to do is step out of your dorm room and walk next door to someone elses room hah (it is a little creepier doing that to a neighbor in a neighborhood).

Its time to get my life back on track....out into the community extending myself to others and connecting with others the way I crave on a constant basis, because it makes me happy to help others and I feel as though I haven't been doing that lately. It is probably the reason there are so many blogs out there. Everyone wants to speak their mind (and they could do this in a private journal), but a blog offers the opportunity to feel as though you are talking to someone and maybe even helping someone and that perhaps someone will talk back.

Life is a whole lotta gray

I've learned as I've grown older that I have always categorized things as black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. The concept I have had the most trouble with is that life is a whole spectrum of gray. As painful as something may be there is always something positive about every situation. Losing a job can be the opening of a new adventure, getting into a difficult relationship can wake you up to the things that you have been struggling with as an imperfect person, completely changing your life plans can finally give you the opportunity to finally face the problems you have been ignoring for a long time. Nothing is black and white.

I was talking to my best friend's mom for about 4 hours today about life. I find those conversations liberating because I realize how young I really am and how I keep continuously thinking things are so damn important. I look at the past couple years of my life and all the hardships I have gone through and I just want to laugh. I just got so anxious about every tiny little thing...what was so damn important! I never had a life or death situation and I was never in danger. I love hearing about other's mistakes because I feel as though I can learn from others because I don't know if I'll have enough time here on earth to make all the mistakes I possibly can haha. I think what I find incredible is that I also make the same mistakes over and over again (and from talking to others I am not alone in that action either). It is like I constantly want to make things right (see there goes that right or wrong thing again). I get so worried about how other people view me instead of how I view myself, which is the most important thing.

Last year, people kept asking me, "What do you want Stephanie? How does that make you feel?" I never had that voice in my head before asking myself what I want and what I need and, instead of embracing that this voice is there now, I ...kind of.... would like it to go away. I know we all need to be selfish sometimes and take care of ourselves, but I have always been one that likes and enjoys taking care of others more than myself (actually to the point where I am forced to take care of myself: is that kindness or masochistic?). This brings me to a slightly tangent topic of love.

Love is not black or white, its not good or bad, its not this or that. It is how you feel about someone. It is funny the things we do for love, to the point of insanity almost. Why is it that we are so desperate for love that we hold on so tightly to the ones we love? I learned last year how often people go back to their exes to try and make it work. Why does love drive us so much and pushes us out of our comfort zones? It is so hard to accept a situation for what it is and let go of that with which we can not control. I have made many mistakes in life and in love...I'm still working on it...I guess my next lesson is to not beat myself up for the things that have happened because they felt like the right thing to do in the moment so I can not regret anything I have done because all my actions have always come from my heart.

So what mistakes have you made?

Smelling the grass

Today has been a somewhat uneventful day, which I shouldn't complain about because there are a lot of people out there who wish for uneventful days. I decided to take a little adventure on my own this afternoon and went out (sweat dripping down my face by how hot it was outside). I sat in a Starbucks for awhile reading and watching other people (and I confess listening to other people's conversation...I did the thing where you keep reading and then all of a sudden you're eyes are at the bottom of the page you didn't register anything that you read on that page). Before finally going home I decided to be a great daughter and go grocery shopping (plus the fact that I feel as though grocery stores are my second home).

When I entered the grocery store I saw dark clouds looming overhead behind me. I love seeing a storm rolling in and watching the whole event unfold. When I got out of the grocery store it was pouring (and I mean literally pouring rain). I couldn't wait to get in it though. As I pushed the grocery cart into the rain I started to get dripping wet and I couldn't help but laughing while I broke into a run to my car. It was liberating getting so wet just by the sky and it reminded me, once again, of the simple joys in life and how the purest moments can bring the largest grin to my face.

Too many hobbies

In trying to figure out what I'd like to do with my life, I've taken a step back and thought alright I need to start with what makes me happy. Lately I've been wondering if the program I already got into is really the perfect program for me, but ultimately I needed this time off just for me to slow down with my life. So things that interest me:

1. understanding people's actions
2. the human brain
3. theatre (acting/directing/stage managing)
4. research
5. writing papers
6. reading
7. writing
8. being intellectually stimulated
9. being challenged
10. eastern opposed to western philosophies
11. english
12. theatre history
13. cooking
14. being active

Alright what job should I have...go!

Finger food

I love eating with my fingers. It is one of my favorite things to do in fact. Has anyone been to the medieval fairs that are around the country? You get to watch a jousting tournament and they serve you all your food during the show without any silverware, thus you have to eat chicken with your fingers and slurp your soup. I mean when you think about it we didn't have silverware back in the day and why is it considered so rude to eat with our fingers?

I was out to dinner with my father, his wife, and his wife's mom and her 2nd husband (ya know the normal American family, of course). I was eating my salad with my fingers and my dad's wife's husband watches me do this and then when the main meal came, he looks at me and says, "Is something wrong with your fork?" I laughed and said no...and he replied, "Are you going to eat your fish with your fingers too?" I replied that I was going to use my fork to eat my fish, but I got this overwhelming feeling that by eating my salad with my fingers I had insulted him, which wasn't my intention at all. I just truly enjoy eating with my fingers because it slows me down and I pick up each piece of food slowly and I am able to savor each bite more.

So I compel all of you...for a meal...take away all the silverware and be a kid...play with your food.

Everything happens for a reason

A thought popped in my head today...what if I made a horrible mistake deferring my acceptance to graduate school. It took me most of the day to figure out what a silly and pointless thought this was. First of all, whats done is done and second of all (another cliche) whats meant to be will be. There is some reason why I am not supposed to be at school yet, actually a million reasons. It occurred to me today that instead of over-analyzing the decisions that have already occurred I need to start going out and living my life and going on all these adventures I have in my head.

I am beginning to help at the front desk of my favorite yoga studio and hopefully this will put me back on some sort of path. What I am trying to remember is that I took this year off for a reason and that is to remind myself that life is meant to be lived with a positive out look and to laugh at our predispositions, laugh at our problems, laugh at what we deem so damn important, even laugh just to laugh.

Has anyone tried laughter yoga? It is the most absurd thing I have ever done. I did it last year at an AmeriCorps conference ( I did AmeriCorps last year where I was the food coordinator at a Drop-in center for at-risk and homeless youth). We were outside and it was a gorgeous sunny day and here was this laughter yoga instructor just laughing for no particular reason and getting a group of AmeriCorps to join in and just go "ho ho ho, ha ha ha, he he he." You can't help but laugh because you feel ridiculous, but then you look over at someone next to you and they look even more absurd so then you laugh harder. Laughter truly is the best medicine. I find myself laughing for no particular reason or when things aren't even funny...one of the volunteers last year called me giggles because I just loved to smile. There is something sacred about a smile and how it can cheer your day up and everyone around you as well. So go deep within yourself and find some inner light and smile from it and let it radiate out of your being and then share that feeling and your smile with someone else....I'm going to work harder on remembering to do this myself.

The healing process is slow

It had been maybe three days since I've cried from everything that has occurred over the past couple of weeks, so ultimately, of course, it was time to let down my walls and see how I was really doing on the inside...tears immediately followed haha. I don't fear the pain. I don't think it is a bad thing to really feel through everything that that has happened to me over the past couple of years. I have been one of those people to go go go all the time without taking a break and even now when I get the chance to slow down and reassess everything I am still having a hard time doing that. I feel like there is this great pressure to decide what is the "right" path for me right now instead of letting it unfold before me....or maybe I was on the right path and I was too scared to keep going.

Like every other American I tend to doubt my decision making abilities...but why? I mean they say the only thing to fear is fear itself. I suppose time is of the essence and only time will tell what is meant to be....but why is it so hard to allow ourselves the time to let things be?

K.I.T-keep in touch

How much energy are we supposed to put in to keeping in touch with people? I have to say personally, I put in a lot. To me it is very important to keep in contact with my friends and even acquaintances because I truly believe they have all come into my life at one point or another for a reason and that I was meant to know them. I never miss a birthday (I think they are the biggest national holiday for each individual person and I try to make it a huge deal for every person I know).

The thing is I find that others don't see the way I do. Everyone gets very caught up with their life and the people they have immediate contact with (and I am not speaking all high and mighty, I definitely succumb to getting caught up in my own immediate life as well), but I get frustrated with how much time and effort I spend keeping in touch with others and then I wonder if I stopped trying to talk to these people....would they stop contacting me?

I know that its not that people don't care. I believe that we all care about one another, I truly believe that, but I worry that people forget about me when I'm away, that my tiny existence is insignificant to people whom I am not right in front of. This is something I've worried about for a long time, although not something I was aware of until I started dating. And in this day and age we can be in constant contact with everyone, thanks to technology. Of course, has that made us paranoid about who our true friends really are because we know they can call us or text us or e-mail us at any time and when they don't...well then what? They are not really friends?

Back in the old days, without all this technology, everyone wrote letters, heart felt, sincere, took time out of their day, letters. Sometimes I wish we could go back to that, so there was less pressure and more thought taken when keeping in touch with others...I guess I would just need to start asking for everyone's address...

I want to live in a bookstore

I could seriously live in a bookstore and be overwhelmingly happy. There are so many things to learn and I just don't think I can absorb or read as fast as I'd like. Have you ever imagine sneaking into a store and then hiding somewhere until they closed down and then you were locked in? What store would that be for you? I would stay up all night long reading everything I could get my hands on from non-fiction to poetry to philosophy and psychology...it would be amazing. And I'd eat all the pastries in the cafe and make myself coffee so I could stay up.

By the time the sun would be rising I would be so hopped up on caffeine that I would have such a hard time keeping quiet while they opened the store. Imagine a small 5'2", curly haired girl (of course my curls would be in a huge fro), cowering under a book table, giggling to herself and all jittery from the massive amount of caffeine in her body.

So what would you do?

In the zone

I was never an avid exerciser when I grew up (kind of how I became the theatre geek)...but when I got into college I began running and unfortunately ran so much I tore my hamstring and had to take three months off from exercise entirely (of course there is more to that story but that is the general gist of what happened). It has taken me years to strengthen up my legs to begin to run again and I just began again. I swear there is nothing more liberating than when you get "in the zone" and all of a sudden you can feel your entire body move as one and feel every single muscle in your body working as hard as it can to keep you moving. I think it is the only time when my brain isn't thinking or trying work through something else because there is only one thing for me to focus on...to keep moving.

The only other time I get this sensation is when I am in the car, driving on the highway, with my music blaring...I get the same kind of rush and clearness in my head that everything in life is alright; that there is nothing really to worry about because right here and right now everything just fits....mental block...thats all I got for now...more to come later.

I'm just people watching...

After rousing myself out of bed this morning at 7 so I wouldn't sleep in for another day and getting myself to the gym, I decided to head into the city to see an old friend for lunch. I had no idea what I was going to do today afterward, but I find lately that I just want to throw myself into situations and see what happens. I feel like I have been over protected my whole life and now that I have a bit more confidence and that I'm not scared to get lost anymore I just want to go on adventures and learn about myself and the world.

As I got off the train coming into NYC, I am always constantly amazed by how many people there are out there. People watching is one of my favorite things to do; just looking at different people's personalities, interactions, clothing, body types. I was waiting for my friend and sitting on a bench under some trees offering some shade (it was brutally hot today...sweat was dripping for the creases of my arms...gross) and watching these tiny little birds burying themselves in the sand, getting dirty, then not liking being dirty and cleaning themselves off, and then doing it all over again. It was highly amusing.

I was sitting with my friend having lunch and discussing the craziness of my life and then when I asked him what was going on with him it was all nice pleasantries. I feel like I have been getting that a lot lately from people I have been trying to get back in touch with. Everyone seems (to me) to handle life's ups and downs so nonchalantly and I just feel like I over-think and over-analyze every tine little thing in my life. I mean I've done this ever since I was a kid, but some where along the line I just tried to skew it in my brain as a positive thing, which honestly it has been up to this point. I don't just let events in my life pass me by without feeling through them and fully learning from every experience all the lessons it has to offer.

So, no I don't move on very quickly, but I suppose I don't think of that as such a bad thing, but I certainly do get a lot of eye rolls.

Time out

Have you ever had a day where you decided not to move. That from the moment you woke up you were like, "nope today is for me." Well I had one of those days today. I didn't think about anything serious. I sat, and I ate, and I watched my favorite re-runs all day...and I didn't even get dressed. And ya know what...I was happy, really really happy. Now I'm not saying this is something that I could do every day, because I love being active and moving non-stop too much to just sit around and do nothing all day. What I am saying is that we all need this time. I think everyone deserves one day every week (or at least every month) where they say time out and just put everything down and take a day for themselves.

We all get so caught up in our dramas of every day life, that to really slow down and appreciate that everything is fine no matter what happens is a gift we can give ourselves on a regular basis if we only allow ourselves that time. Whenever I used to give myself these days, I would feel horribly guilty, that my life was a waste because I didn't even get dressed, but as I've grown up I've realized that I do plenty every single day and worry enough 24/7 that to take a day for a time out is well deserved. So this is my signing out for the day with smiles for now and a clear head mostly because I let all my worry go just for this 24 hours...I'll pick it all back up tomorrow...

Making lists

I'm completely aware that I am lacking in things to do these days (and lacking on what to write about although my brain is usually thinking something 24/7) even with the abundant amount of hobbies that I have. I'm aware that I could join a hiking club or a reading group or find some where I could rock climb or join a baking class...yet here I sit in my house agonizing over what to do with my life and applying for jobs online (a plus of technology). I know the best thing for me to do is to sit down and make a list of the steps I need to take to kind of get my life back on track here (whatever track that may be hah). Making lists is one of my favorite things to do. Someone once asked me if I wanted a palm pilot so I could be more organized and I said, "What!? And take away the pleasure of crossing things out with a pen...I don't think so."

I started to make a mental list yesterday and found myself at Borders looking at GRE preparation books. The GRE's are bogus. Why this silly little test has been created I have no idea. (well actually I do now because one of the books I skimmed over told me) but still I believe that the GRE's don't measure anything of a person's talents or wisdom or smarts or the predictability of how a person will do in Graduate school. I did horrible (and I mean horrible) on the SAT's and I made cum laude in Undergraduate so HAH dumb standardized testing.

Alright the truth is, I'm nervous to take them because I do soooooo poorly on standardized tests and I wish I could find more schools that didn't care about them but all the programs that actually pique my interest want the stupid GRE scores. And from all the people I have talked to, its the little things like these that hold people back from actually aspiring to do what they want to do. It is our little fears and worries that stop us dead and our track and instead of putting up our fists and fighting the thoughts away we succumb to the worry and reply with, "yes you're right, I'm not capable of doing this." Why is it so much easier to listen to the voice of doubt than to say to ourselves these are just thoughts and I can do anything I put my mind to. Maybe that is where that saying came from....if we put our minds to something we are in control of our own thoughts and it becomes self fulfilling prophecy because we are thinking positive thoughts in our heads. Kind of like the little engine that could..."I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

If we believe in ourselves and put positive energy out into the world then of course it is going to come back to us in a positive way. Its like wearing rosy colored glasses, everything can be skewed in the way that you want it to be because that is the way you're brain is thinking. Ahhhhh....the power of perspective.

Back farts

So my goal these days is to turn my negative thoughts around and to always see the silver lining in everything. I am a certified yoga instructor but I haven't done yoga in about a month because I didn't want to be "in tune" with myself haha. That being said, I am feeling as though I am ready to get back on track and I went to the most amazing yoga class this morning. Its incredible that a teacher can tell you to "find your ground" and all of a sudden I'm associating those words to my entire life. "Right Stephanie...find your ground...became stable like a tree and go back to your roots." or slow down and go into this pose at your own pace and suddenly I'm thinking, "that's right Stephanie slow down! What is the rush with everything, just go with the flow, be a curious student of life." I then have to laugh at myself for the words that our coming out of my head and come back to the present moment of the fact that I am in a yoga class, sweating profusely, and having a good time.

The best part of the whole class was the fact that I was sweating so much that when I went to go down to do cobra pose and bend backwards, I had so much sweat running down my back that when I bent back my shoulder muscles farted while being pressed together. I mean this was the grossest funniest sound I think I have ever heard my body make and I couldn't help but smile. It is truly the little things in life that bring us back from the dramatic chatter in our heads. I find myself becoming so serious and dramatic, like I'm playing a movie of the events currently happening, and I completely forget to laugh.

Because really what do I truly have to worry about...here I am still living, still breathing, and the sun shining, and I'm young and still have so much life left to live. I have my health, and good friends, and a wonderfully dysfunctional funny family, and a good head on my shoulders. Now the only task is to remember this...no wonder people get tattoos...easy reminder...like a permanent post-it note.

Spectacular Spectacular....Technology

So that last post was just too sad to end on for the day so one more for an upbeat finish (because I'm all about the "happy endings"). After finishing that post and crying a few tears I picked myself back up and began trying to find some friends to talk to so I could occupy my mind in different ways. I found myself talking to a very good friend who recently got a blackberry (or as I like to call it crackberry because every person I know who has one is addicted). I had been talking to my friend for almost an hour until he told me that he was out getting a rental car for his big move. I found this incredibly amusing that we can now be out and about renting cars or where ever we might be (even peeing in the bathroom) and still have constant contact with everyone out there.

Now I have to ask is this a good thing or a bad thing? Sure it is a good thing we can be in contact with anyone in an instant if there is an emergency but most of the time there is no immediate reason we need to talk to someone right away. And then we get into the whole complicatedness (yes I made up this word) of worrying when someone doesn't call or even worse text us back right away because we know they can. We sit there asking ourselves, "what it only takes a minute to text me back why aren't they doing it?" How absurd our lives have become due to the fact that now with our phones, internet, and crackberries we can have someone by our sides to talk to at all times.

Are we that scared of being alone? Companionship is huge for well being, but I think also being comfortable with oneself and remembering to stay happy even if you have no one else around is crucial to being happy no matter what the circumstances are. I know I'm only 23 and I sound like I'm in my 50's but I challenge all of you who are reading this....turn off your cell phones, your computers, your telephones...unplug....and then sit in silence, read a book, watch a movie, take a bath and see how wonderful being completely in the moment and only worrying about what is going on right here and right now can be. Its truly liberating.

Pain

Pain is a funny feeling. It just kind of sits there in the pit of your stomach and the middle of your heart and all you can do is cry. I just got out of my first relationship in which I fell in love. Was it perfect...no...but it was mine imperfect relationship. That whole grace period afterward that you can't talk to one another because you both need "space" confuses me. Maybe its because I come from parents who are divorced and I've watched how they can't even communicate anymore and I just don't understand. What happened to all that time that two people spend together. Sure things may end poorly because break-ups are never easy and its rarely mutual, but what about all the smiles, all the laughs, all the good times that two people shared. Why is it that those get tossed aside because all of a sudden the two people realize they aren't meant for each other. I hate this grace period. I wish we could just switch over to the friends part right away without all the pain.

I believe that after a month into any relationship it should be a rule that the two people sit down and say, "alright we've made it a month, woohoo for us! Now if this turns out to not be what we both are looking for any time in the future we have to promise each other that we will still give each other the respect that human beings deserve and say goodbye on good terms." I swear it should be written in the constitution that this must be done. I have seen so many of my friends go through horrible break ups where their significant other who used to be so kind and so sweet and turn into some one mean just because there has to be a break-up. Why is that? Are we protecting our egos? Suddenly all the good things we saw in the other person turn into negative qualities because if we didn't do this we would have to face the facts, which could be: this person was a wonderful person and just was all wrong for me romantically.

It is hard to think of someone and know how wonderful they are and realize that in a relationship way the two of you just don't click (at least in that point in time). And that comes the conundrum that if two people fit together at the beginning of a relationship and suddenly later don't fit anymore...could they in the future fit again? Or did their paths cross at a time because that is what the two people needed at the time and don't need anymore? I'm confused and befuzzled over the whole concept of relationships now and if they can hurt this much, why do we keep getting into them again and again trying to find the one person who "completes us." Why can't we just complete ourselves? Why is it that someone else can make us feel so much joy that it is truly hard to feel all on our own?

Creatures of habit

I wake up every morning and do the same exact thing over and over again:

1. Wash my face
2. Drink a glass of water
3. Make my oatmeal
4. Eat breakfast and check the news/e-mails
5. Go work-out (anything from the gym to yoga)
6. Eat a bowl of cereal
7. Shower

Then I start my day. Why is it we are creatures of habit? Most people have a morning routine even if it rushed and hurried out the day...at least they do it every day. There is something comfortable about it. That anything could happen all day long but I have some semblance of control over my morning and thus over my life perhaps. But, why is it that control has become the newest hot commodity. You hear people say, "o that person is so out of control with their life." (followed by an eye roll)...why is that we view people that are seemingly "out of control" as a bad thing. Maybe they are having the time of their lives letting life take them whichever way the wind blows.

For someone (me) who has liked organization and a little bit (or a lot a bit) of control over their lives I have envied those who can just "go with the flow." I have always admired those that when bad things happen they can take it all in stride saying, "whats meant to be will be." I usually dwell and then analyze and then ruminate some more over events of the past that I have no control over anymore and thus should really let go and "processing" anything that's happen won't really change the fact that they happened. I'm being elusive aren't I? I guess I am speaking in generalizations so that people can relate to what I'm talking about, although we all know by now the things that I am going through (as a reminder change of life plans and a bad break-up).

I suppose the more routine our lives become the less we have to over think our actions but when something truly unexpected comes our way....are we ever really ready for it?

Think before you act

The saying "think before you act" has never been something I have been able to follow easily. I usually act and then deal with the consequences....I have gotten myself into many interesting situations because of this. Thus here I am dealing with the consequences of thinking I wanted to do one thing and then deciding that maybe I didn't. I'm proud of the decision I made, although it was bold and kind of very last minute, but it was the first time I actually thought through something...the problem this time was I didn't take the appropriate action sooner.

I was talking with my mother this afternoon about finding one's life's purpose and I am slowly learning from all the conversations that I have had with people is that it is very rare for a person to figure out what they really want to do with their life. Most of the time people are just finding something that peaks their interest or settling for a job that will suffice and pay the bills. Am I just a young idealist that thinks they're going to be one of the lucky one's that gets to find their passion, pursue it, and live happily ever after? OK, maybe I'm living in a dream world but I have always been one to strive for "the happy ending." I swear Disney movies have ruined my brain. I mean first of all who is actually as thin as any of those cartoon characters....Ariel, Jasmine, even Pocahontas was pushing it. And then the burly supposedly perfect men that come and save the day...even the Beast turned out to be a handsome prince.

I know that all these stories had a moral to be taught but when you're like five years old watching these movies and no one is explaining to you that you can't take these story lines seriously, a little kid is left thinking every story has a happy ending. I wish someone had told me early on that life was hard and you have to do whatever you can to put a smile on your face every day and, as they say, "roll with the punches." Of course would that have made me a jaded adult? Alas, I digress. I suppose I'd like to ask to all of you (if anyone is reading this) how you came upon your careers at the current moment and is it really what you want to be doing? I suppose I'll only learn by other people's examples. So please talk to me....

Mom's couch

I'm 23 years old and here I am back in my mother's house on my favorite couch, sleeping in my old bed, and driving around the streets where I grew up. Now I could cry a lot (which I did) and say, "wow I totally did not expect my life to end up back here." (which I did say), but ultimately I know that whatever is suppose to happen to me now will happen. It is amazing that we can make a snap decision and change our entire life's plan in an instant. I was supposed to go to Grad School to become a therapist, but after spending this past year working in social services and getting really depressed because I worked with at-risk and homeless youth and sometimes I was so drained by the end of the day I just wanted to stare at a wall and not think or do anything....where was I going with this sentence? O right, well I knew social services may not be the best career for me if it stops me from living my life because it is that draining.

I didn't realize this though until after I had sent 9 boxes out to Boulder, CO, packed up my entire car, found an apartment and a roommate, got a loan for school, paid for health insurance, and started to drive to Rochester for the first leg of my trip. I was mostly preoccupied with trying to make my relationship work and pretending I didn't have to leave the greatest place on earth (Burlington, VT). But there I was on the road on the phone crying (don't worry I had my ear piece in so I could cry and drive safely hah) to my mother how this didn't feel like the right next step anymore. By the time I got to my father's house, I sat down with him and explained my dilemma and I swear I have the best parents in the world (even if they are divorced, but we can go over the fun affects of divorce later) and they both supported me in my decision to not go to school anymore.

Within the next 24 hours, I deferred my acceptance, canceled the loan, got my boxes sent back to me, changed my mailing address once again, got the health insurance payment refunded, and began to look for a new roommate for my roommate. I spent the last two weeks kind of in a haze over the actions I just quickly had decided upon and thinking, "Crap, what the hell do I do now." I spend my days laughing at my sunny disposition, looking for jobs, and looking at grad schools to try and find what feels like the right path for me. I'm getting incredibly bored.............being in my home town reminds me of all the stupid things I did when I was a teenager and how here I am supposedly becoming an adult and I'm still making stupid rash decisions...do we ever really grow up? Any suggestions on exciting ways to fill my time would be appreciated...actually very welcomed into my life as I'll do anything to get out of the house (especially since the crying is slowly subsiding). So here I am on my mom's couch for now.

Welcome to my life

As I was sitting at dinner tonight with my mother, one of my brothers, and his fiancee we were discussing the history of my love life thus far and how I could write one incredibly funny book. I've gone from the awkward guy, the metro-sexual guy, the smelly armpit guy, the I just don't wanna commit guy, the sloppy kisser, the incredibly small guy (although not everywhere), and finally the bipolar emotionally unstable guy (Note: I am still friends with every single of these guys and if I'm not now hopefully I will be one day because they were all amazing people and no matter what happened in the end I still know all of them have wonderful hearts...I mean something drew me to them in the first place right?).

As I have gone through each one of these relationships and affairs I took myself far too seriously: crying all the time when they ended and then slowly having to pick myself back up. But, after getting out of my first serious relationship, the first guy I ever loved, and the first time I've ever enjoyed sex, I refuse to be down about this because my love life is hysterical and I keep getting myself into these crazy situations over and over again. For example, this last guy, we broke up and got back together like 4 or 5 times and everyone around me who loved me had to watch me go through the same pattern again and again.

Now you could say, "damn girl, what were you thinking?" But instead I would rather take the approach that I learned a lot about me, about other people, about relationships, about what really matters in life, and how lost we truly can get. The thing is none of us gets out alive anyway and thus I have created this blog so that whenever I start to feel down about the events happening in my life I can come here and take a creative funny spin on the events happening and hopefully share my little adventures with all you out there and hopefully make some people laugh because it really is the best medicine. So welcome and I hope you enjoy.