Quick post before I go to sleep...
I'm realizing more and more these days that happiness is not something that comes easily. It is not something that can be defined in a general sense as it feels and comes differently to every single individual. But one thing that I am learning is that happiness is a choice. We can choose to live our lives moment to moment beating ourselves up in our heads and thinking negative thoughts or we can choose to fill ourselves with positive affirmations and light.
This past weekend I was at an all weekend yoga immersion. I was learning the seven loops of Anusara Yoga and on the last day were the last two loops: skull and shoulder loop. This is mainly where I hold my tension (and where most of us do because of constantly sitting and driving around in cars slumped over). During the morning practice I kept practicing these two loops and going over and over the knots in my neck and shoulders. Tears began to come up from deep within me. I shoved them back down to get through the practice. At the end one of the assistants came over to me and asked if I was alright and I just said that it is amazing how our knots/our muscles hold our emotions and a lot came up for me. She just looked at me and said let it out, let it all go.
With someone giving me permission I just began to cry. It wasn't hysterical and it wasn't light. It was a continuous stream of tears of recognition (with a smile across my face from relief of just letting myself do what I needed to do:cry). Recognition of the pain I have carried around with me of the negative words I have put in my head, of my inability to sometimes speak up for myself or speak my mind for fear of standing strong in who I am and someone not liking me because of that. The years of hanging my head and drooping my shoulders and not looking people in the eyes to hide my absolute insecurity and lack of confidence, which I tried so hard to hide from people.
It is funny how the things we don't want people to see in us are the things people do see and appreciate. Our insecurities are what make us unique, they are what propel us forward, and give us motivation to make the world a better place. They bring us compassion and make us able to put ourselves in other people's shoes easier. I sometimes forget to view me past as a gift. A gift that assists me in being able to extend myself to anyone who comes along my path. I'm choosing happiness now. I forget sometimes, but I find I catch myself faster these days and remind myself: happiness is a choice. Make the best choices for yourself: smile, laugh, and choose to be happy now.