Tears of Joy

Joy isn't a word for a feeling that I experience consistently.  Maybe satisfied with life or content but pure joy is rare.  I was in my car driving back to work for the night yoga class; the sun was setting and there were gorgeous colors blending together of purples, oranges, and reds.  The trees were in shadows but you could distinguish them from the brightness of the sky.  It honestly looked like a painting.  Great music was playing on my radio and I sang while buzzing along the highway. I could feel my newly cut hair (which it hasn't been this short since freshman year of college) rustle against the back of my neck and the new lightness on my head, like I'd chopped off all the dead weight I've been carrying since I came back home in August.  Suddenly, I felt this warm fuzzy feeling in my heart.  It crept up my throat and back down through my body.  The funny thing is I first felt anxious because I didn't want it to go away (attachment: something I struggle with).  

I tried to come back to the fuzzy feeling stirring in me, but fear crept in.... I didn't want to feel happy because too many times its been taken away, but I'm tired of my old patterns, I'm tired of being scared of living my life.  So, in my true dork fashion all within five minute span of time I went from the beginnings of joy, to anxious, to fear, and then to crying tears of joy because I was really truly happy.  Sure, tomorrow might be different, in a week I'll probably be right back in the throws of life's ups and downs, but for now all I can experience is gratefulness for being alive and being me and moving on.  Embrace the joy.

Flowing and Hardening

I have a hard time being soft. I know how to push. How to push myself. Nothing is ever good enough; I could always do more, be more. I came to a very early morning yoga class before I worked today and I went into the class with an intention to be gentle.  This, of course, did not happen, because I have conditioned myself that being gentle on myself means I'm not the best I could be.  Where did I learn this from?  

I was going through the class and exerting every muscle I could.  I could not flow with my breath.  With every pose, I wasn't celebrating my body and what it could do, I was asking myself what could be more in alignment.  An attitude of nothing is ever enough permeates all aspects of my life.  And I have begun to notice how that affects my body.  I'm stiff; as if I let go and be soft that I might just fall apart all together so I harden more.  How much more weight can I lift, how many walls can I  build around my fragile heart so I can not experience how inadequate I truly feel.

I'm not alone.  Some people are aware of the fallacies they hold in their head and some people go on covering up and ignoring the thoughts in their head and the pain comes out in their body as a result.  So how do we break this voice in our head that says do more. be more, push more? Write it out.  Just like I am doing here.  Getting out of my head and out there onto paper, or the screen, or just in front of me makes me read the thoughts, acknowledge, and realize how completely wrong they are.  Then you get the opportunity to yell, challenge, change, laugh at your own thoughts.  Thoughts are not facts!  I am good enough!  It is possible to hold yourself up on the outside and be strong while creating inner softness.  Then shine from your heart out.  

Shine on.  

Almost New Years

It was strangely beautiful, gorgeous, warm weather yesterday at the end of December (wave hello to globing warming) and so before meeting up with a long time best friend, I took a walk in the woods.  Good thing I was wearing boots because it didn't even cross my mind that melted snow and dirty woods would mean a lot of mud...luckily I did not fall and get a face full of gooey earth goodness.  Anyways,  as soon as I take time for myself these days my brain goes into over drive.  Its like, "O it is quiet time and you aren't distracting yourself with those books of yours or the computer so now its my turn for you to listen to me!"  Anyone else experience this when they finally slow down?  All of a sudden there are a million personal things/thoughts that weren't on the top priority list that come to the surface.

I thought a lot about this past year, playing situations and events over and over in my head.  It became like a bad record.  For the first time though I used the skills I have been learning lately to question why I am stuck on this repetitive thought.  Surprisingly, I knew the answer.  I wanted to change past events, to go the way I wish they would have gone, to perhaps cause myself and others less pain through the process of past situations.  It is funny what our minds think they can do.  I mean I know the mind is a powerful thing, but unfortunately it does not have the capacity to travel back in time and fix that which we think "went wrong."  So what to do now?

Alright, I have confronted the fact that I'm still holding on to my past and that I have this notion in my head that maybe if I could fix what happened that I could be a more worthy individual of affection.  This was key to realize.  I think we all get stuck on things because our egos get in the way or our lack of self confidence and needing that extra boost.  Ultimately, no matter what I think and no matter what has happened my self worth never changes.  This is something we all need to remember.  No matter what actions you engage in, no matter what people cross your path, you are still worthy of everything beautiful and good that this world has to give.  So let go for today.  Let bygones be bygones.  Embrace all of your past because it is what makes you, you and breath into the present.  

Just a little while...

Suppose a man were wounded by an arrow, and when the surgeon arrived, he said to him, "Don't pull out this arrow until I know who shot it, what tree it comes from, who made it, and what kind of bow was used." Certainly the man would die before he discovered the answers. In the same way, if you say you will not be a monk unless I solve all the questions of the world, you are likely to die unsatisfied. - Majjhima Nikaya I know I know....don't yell at me...its been awhile. I haven't been a faithful writer have I? But, I will say that it is probably a good thing because that means that I am being more present in my life and moving away from my computer, even if that is not fair to you. So what happens in the life of a walking talking contradiction for a whole month? The quote above really describes exactly what I have been going through. I have been trying to find the "perfect" path, the "perfect" career, the "ideal" way of life for myself. It doesn't exist. Well it does and it doesn't hah. It only exists in our mind. If we believe we are living the perfect life, then we are, but we are only living the perfect life in the contexts of our self, which to be honest is the only context that matters for each individual. Every career or path I thought of I would tell myself I wasn't ready or I couldn't handle it or there was more I would need to learn. But, ultimately, as the quote above states, if we keep putting our dreams and goals off for fear of not knowing enough then we will never aspire or achieve anything. Plus, we learn and become wise by doing. You have to ride a bike and fall to be a master at staying on a bike with steadiness. You have to speak in front of people and mess up your words to become more articulate. We as human beings are doers and with all the messages and media around us it is so easy these days to get stuck in our heads. Negative thoughts and put downs are never helpful. Although, I will be my own devil's advocate and say that sometimes negative actions will help us catch ourselves when what we are doing is not in alignment with what is healthiest for ourselves. A food binge can be a trigger to tell us that something in our life is not right. We deprive ourselves of affection, love, communication, and expression because some where along the way we are told we are not good enough just the way we are (or we never got that message to begin with). Well for today embrace you. Every tiny little thing about yourself. Love yourself. Go ahead, give yourself a big hug right now, because you are a perfect being right here right now, just the way you are.