Tears of Joy

Joy isn't a word for a feeling that I experience consistently.  Maybe satisfied with life or content but pure joy is rare.  I was in my car driving back to work for the night yoga class; the sun was setting and there were gorgeous colors blending together of purples, oranges, and reds.  The trees were in shadows but you could distinguish them from the brightness of the sky.  It honestly looked like a painting.  Great music was playing on my radio and I sang while buzzing along the highway. I could feel my newly cut hair (which it hasn't been this short since freshman year of college) rustle against the back of my neck and the new lightness on my head, like I'd chopped off all the dead weight I've been carrying since I came back home in August.  Suddenly, I felt this warm fuzzy feeling in my heart.  It crept up my throat and back down through my body.  The funny thing is I first felt anxious because I didn't want it to go away (attachment: something I struggle with).  

I tried to come back to the fuzzy feeling stirring in me, but fear crept in.... I didn't want to feel happy because too many times its been taken away, but I'm tired of my old patterns, I'm tired of being scared of living my life.  So, in my true dork fashion all within five minute span of time I went from the beginnings of joy, to anxious, to fear, and then to crying tears of joy because I was really truly happy.  Sure, tomorrow might be different, in a week I'll probably be right back in the throws of life's ups and downs, but for now all I can experience is gratefulness for being alive and being me and moving on.  Embrace the joy.