Flowing and Hardening

I have a hard time being soft. I know how to push. How to push myself. Nothing is ever good enough; I could always do more, be more. I came to a very early morning yoga class before I worked today and I went into the class with an intention to be gentle.  This, of course, did not happen, because I have conditioned myself that being gentle on myself means I'm not the best I could be.  Where did I learn this from?  

I was going through the class and exerting every muscle I could.  I could not flow with my breath.  With every pose, I wasn't celebrating my body and what it could do, I was asking myself what could be more in alignment.  An attitude of nothing is ever enough permeates all aspects of my life.  And I have begun to notice how that affects my body.  I'm stiff; as if I let go and be soft that I might just fall apart all together so I harden more.  How much more weight can I lift, how many walls can I  build around my fragile heart so I can not experience how inadequate I truly feel.

I'm not alone.  Some people are aware of the fallacies they hold in their head and some people go on covering up and ignoring the thoughts in their head and the pain comes out in their body as a result.  So how do we break this voice in our head that says do more. be more, push more? Write it out.  Just like I am doing here.  Getting out of my head and out there onto paper, or the screen, or just in front of me makes me read the thoughts, acknowledge, and realize how completely wrong they are.  Then you get the opportunity to yell, challenge, change, laugh at your own thoughts.  Thoughts are not facts!  I am good enough!  It is possible to hold yourself up on the outside and be strong while creating inner softness.  Then shine from your heart out.  

Shine on.