Two roads diverged in the woods...and I took the wrong one

I had myself a little adventure yesterday. I find myself getting out more and wanting to get more involved in life again...after months and months of not feeling like myself, I actually had a smile on my face for most of the day today (although that could have also been because I took two yoga classes back to back). Anyways, yesterday afternoon I was feeling particularly anxious and thus I decided to head into the woods: the only place I really have found calms my nerves, my brain, my breathe. I decided to walk in the Audubon Center, which my mom and I have done a million times. It was a beautiful fall day and I took my camera and had some fun with creative shots of nature and the little things we miss because we are always in a rush; like the way the sun hits some leaves and brings out all the vibrant color of a leaf changing its color.

There were a lot of leaves on the ground and I noticed how loud my walking was. Even when I tried to step lighter I felt extremely loud in the quiet nature of the Audubon. Truth be told, it wasn't all that quiet with birds chirping and insects making their own unique noise and because of all the leaves I could hear every squirrel jumping around (I even got to take a picture of the cutest chipmunk). I somehow made my way through the trail by myself and ventured on other trails that I had never been on before with my mother. It was a lot of fun exploring and gaining the confidence to take an adventure by myself.

I had all these landmarks in my head that I knew I was on the right path, but somewhere along the way I got lost. Now the Audubon Center is not that big. Sure there are a couple of trails but it is all basically a big circle, thus I kept thinking, eh I'll circle around and pop myself out at the end eventually." So an hour and a half later, bladder full and feeling a little hungry, I started to get a little anxious after I had past that tree for maybe the third time. It is funny how nature can turn from something so calming to extremely claustrophobic. I had to get out. I whipped out my cell phone and used my GPS so pop me back out on a road on the complete opposite side of the Audubon (although I didn't know it was the opposite side at the time). I started to walk thinking oooo the car can't be thatttt far away.

Seeing cars and saying hello to people on the street was comforting, but after another half an hour (my stomach now bursting because I had to pee so bad) I felt helpless to the fact that I was lost. Like a 5 year old who needs her blanket, I called my mom hahaha. Stating as she answered the phone, "who the hell gets lost in the Audubon Center???" She laughed hysterically and hopped in the car to come and find me. I kept walking while waiting and came across a church. It felt odd walking into a random church that was clearly empty but I was ready to knock on someone's door I had to pee so bad. The first time my nose actually knew the direction exactly to the bathroom...I guess my bladder has better navigational skills; and this pee was the type of pee you moan and smile afterward because it felt that good.

After around two and a half hours after leaving my house thinking,"O I'll just go for a half an hour walk," my mom found me leaning up against a mailbox hysterically laughing over how this could only happen to me. The funny thing is that I wasn't even upset, it is the best day I had in awhile and I had a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. Moral of the story is: Get out of the house, get lost, experience life with all its unexpected turns, and remember to laugh at how nothing seems to go the way we think it is going to, but sometimes what does happen is better.

P.S- my car was about a ten minute drive away...it probably would have taken me the rest of the day and into the evening to walk to it :)

I thee wed...

My brother got married this weekend. It brought a lot up for me. A lot of thoughts about life, about love, about what is important. Your brother getting married is a big deal and I didn't feel anything....I mean nothing at all...until the night before. Last night I lay in bed and thought about my brother's relationship with his now wife. They have been the best role model of a healthy relationship that I have seen yet. That you can fight and bicker with your loved one, you can get upset and the love is still there. That a healthy relationship is about making compromises and about bringing more light and laughter and sweetness into the other person's life. I lay in bed and I started to cry. My brother and his wife have been there for me in the past year endlessly. My brother in general has stuck up for me countless times over my life: for example at my senior prom when my own divorced parents were bickering at each other and I was about to burst into tears he pulled me aside and told me how beautiful I looked and not to let anyone ruin this day for me or make me feel any less special than I am. This is the type of man everyone deserves in their life, that when the tough gets going, they are there to give you some extra strength and make you remember the bigger picture.

As of late, I finally feel as though I have been coming home to myself. Remembering that all the suffering that I deemed as so important is rather small in the bigger picture. My legs work, my body parts function, I can see, hear, read, talk, understand, explain, I don't have cancer, I'm not dying....I get to live each day with spirit and determination to fill this world with something better...to be of assistance to others to help them through pain that I have known so well. The question I have for tonight is....if you out there are like me and are destined to be of assistance to others, that you feel it is your calling, then who do you belong with? If everyone is someone you can help.....then who can help you? Who can be your match? And will you be able to recognize it when it comes along? And when it does come along....is it right timing? Why is everything about timing? If something is so clear, if you understand that you are on a spiritual plane or have a connection with someone that is so strong, but it is wrong timing what do you do with that? How long are you supposed to "wait" for it to be the "right" time?

And going in the complete opposite direction, why is it that love and finding our "match" is the ultimate pursuit in our country? Or for that matter every country. Finding someone to love, according to research, makes our life span longer, we are healthier, and we thrive more as human beings. What is it about love that transforms us, that changes us? I have talked to a lot of people about their past relationships and each time they are more clear about "what they are looking for." Most of the time people just gloss over this minor change that has occurred within themselves, but I say take notice. You have now just made alterations in your brain to sniff out what you deem as "the right person for you." And how do we make these choices? Is it intuition? And where does intuition come from? Do we match people up by the parents we had or the siblings we grew up with? Trying to simulate in another person the relationship we already are familiar with? Is that all love is? I'm beginning to babble aren't I? Anyways, some questions to put out into the universe for which I would love some feedback....

When all else fails, go find a new trail...

It has been a slow process of feeling like me again.  Approximately three months to get myself off the floor, get a job, and start smiling again.  The not crying thing I'm still working on, but I find the crying bits come less and less and for less time over the things that I have felt I have "lost" over the past several months.  

I believe the concept that I have finally come to understand is that we never really lose anything.  It is only a matter of our perspective.  The relationship that ended didn't really end it has just changed.  The love and appreciation will always be there just in a different manner.  I didn't lose my innocence rather my wisdom has blossomed. And lastly, I didn't lose my way, but the journey is continuing at all times.  The one idea that I have read about over the past couple of weeks that has helped me tremendously is that the people that fail the most, succeed the most.  For instance, Abraham Lincoln failed at just about everything he tried to succeed at (he ran for office, but not president, until he was in his 50's and never won several times).  That's right, until his 50's he had a stream of failures and now he is known as one of the greatest presidents in our American history.  

It is hard to see the silver lining or the optimistic side of things (or even the bigger picture) immediately  after a big downfall occurs.  All we can do is wallow and I have come to appreciate this "hitting the rock bottom" period.  I truly believe that we all need to go through rough times to be able to fully appreciate what we have, who we are, and grow more as human beings.  

I went for a hike yesterday.  All by myself.  It was just me, the beautiful sun, and my camera.  As soon as I entered the woods, I will admit, I got teary eyed.  Having spent the past five years of my life in VT I am used to be around woods all the time.  As I entered into the trails all of a sudden it felt like I could breath again.  For the next hour and a half I finally did not have a thought in the world except for pure happiness for being able to smell pine needles and listen to birds and insects buzz.  I could have stayed in there all day, but I had to get home to go to work later.  I promised myself that I would make an effort to find some woods to walk in once a week so I can perhaps take a break from the constant chatter in my brain.  Every one has their safe haven.  What is it for you?  Go find it and make it a priority to enjoy that place more often.

And she's back!

Seventy four dollars later and a new shiny keyboard my computer is back and the tapping of the clean keyboard has never felt so pleasant. Although I will admit, having my computer back is a burden already. Being able to actually be present with the people and situations around me has been a nice change and now that I have my computer back I feel myself slowly being sucked back into the internet world.

I have a random question....do we ever really fall out of love with our first loves? Or is it that we just go out and try and find someone that stacks up to our first love? Is there a time when the grieving process is supposed to stop/when it has gone on too long and its time to get back out there? I just can't do it....and I don't want to either. The pain that there is someone out there that I love so much and I'm not even talking to them because of my emotional attachment is a hard thing to bear and grasp. I understand how important it is to actually move on that each party takes their time to contemplate the whole situation on their own.

Everyone keeps telling me to get angry. "Stephanie you shooouuulllddd be angry!" But I just can't. For far too long I have been able to separate someone's behavior from the person they are. I believe I see people for who they are or who they can be and their behavior is so sign of their integrity. Of course this may get me hurt because people may have a lot going on in their own lives that makes their behavior not exactly top notch, but I still refuse to see people in a negative light. What the point? So we can feel better about ourselves?

I don't believe in putting others down. I was never good with come backs and my ability to be sarcastic...well I was a late bloomer. I pride myself on honesty. Complete and brutal honesty and that is only what I ask of others. I find it hard to be honest with myself these days though. Sometimes I don't even know which way is up and which way is down. Like my mother said to me today, "you have a lot of voids right now." Its an unsettling time...out of college, mid transition...I've got about three jobs right now just to test out the waters in several careers although I have to admit I am starting to get excited about the future visions I am seeing of a yogic health counselor who gives therapy with walks in the woods or over a cup of tea haha. Active therapy...screw this sitting down crap: I wanna be moving around.

Hitting rock bottom can really be liberating. We finally get to see that all the things we fear and work so hard to avoid eventually can and do happen. There is nothing we can control in life except our perception and our own reaction to events.

Disappearing act

So my computer alas is malfunctioning.  It is amazing what just a little water can do to such a high functioning machine.  This is why I have disappeared for a little bit, as I have enjoyed the extra time to read all the many books I want to get through instead of putzing around on the computer for hours at a time.  What I do notice though is I have a lot more time to think without all the extra computer distraction around.  I'm trying to accept this as neither a good thing or a bad thing, but just it is what it is kind of situation.  Although, I will admit my brain is getting very tired.  I feel like I am constantly on fire mode with my brain constantly sending out every single thought I can possibly come up with and then having to deal with sitting with it all and reminding myself they are not facts they are just thoughts.

It is a really weird experience to tell yourself that you don't have to believe yourself.  I mean we would think that the thoughts going through our heads are indeed truths, but how accurate are they?  Are the thoughts possibly covering up some other deeper issue that we could be avoiding or is the thought itself the issue at hand and we are trying to stuff it down into our subconscious?  I am slowly re-learning why meditation is so important for me. While it certainly does not quiet my thoughts whatsoever, it does indeed let me watch them as they fly by and realize that thoughts will come and go just as quickly as they came.  So how can any thought really be completely fact if they are like the scenes in a movie just playing themselves out.  

I've been trying to make small goals for myself.  Like take an hour walk every day to get in the extra amount of walking I was getting in my old lifestyle in VT.  Or speak up for myself.  After the tumultuous events of my life over the past several months, I've just gone completely quiet like I wanted to disappear or blend into the walls of every room.  I read in a book we treat others the way we treat ourselves.  I noticed how I hardly said hello to anyone unless they said hello to me.  This further proved to me how much I wanted people to pretend I wasn't there so I could just ruminate over the past as much as I wanted.  But, this isn't me.  It brings me a lot of compassion for people who are quiet or rude or angry, depressed, sad, etc. because we never know what is going on with someone on any given day.  It think it is hard to separate a person from a person's behavior because the two may be out of alignment.  Plus, it is so easy to take things personally when someone is short with us when possibly that person is hungry, or tired, or had just recently had a fight with someone else.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we all have to be true to ourselves.  Not speaking and wanting to disappear, will not make one's life any easier and will most likely make interactions much more difficult.  I am truly learning how I like to be and I know by the smile that is on my face after an interaction in which I felt like "myself."  Everything needs a balance.  Listening is very important, but not speaking one's mind at all ultimately stifles one's creative process and growth.  We learn from others when we speak our mind and get feedback and a challenging notion to what we believe is true.  So for today: Listen, speak, engage, laugh, smile: life is short and the more we fail the more we learn and the more we learn the more we grow.  

Computer Vacation

I spilled a little bit of water in my computer yesterday. This happened to me with my old computer about three years ago, but that time I spilled an entire 16 oz. glass of water into my computer. Amazingly, my computer 48 hours later turned back on. I learned a lot through that experience. For example, if you're going to spill anything into your computer, have it be water because everything else will fry your system. Right when you spill something into your computer, turn it off and unplug it. If it is totally soaked take out all batteries and any little pieces so they can't get wet and dry the computer as best you can (even with a blow dryer). Don't turn the computer back on for 24-48 to allow time for all the water to dry.

So yesterday when I spilled a little bit of water into my computer, I first freaked, and then followed those directions I remembered and thus was without a computer for the rest of yesterday and most of today. As you can see, my computer turned back on (I had faith that it would, but nevertheless I am now updating my external hard drive, which I bought the last time this happened, because really everyone should always have a back up). I have to say though, 24 hours without my computer was blissful. It didn't matter what mail I got, or who was online, or what information I could look up. I have three books I have been trying to read with a lot of distractions and anyone who wanted to truly get in touch with me knows my phone number.

I think taking a break from the internet and all this technology can be a good thing. I always have a long list of things I want to accomplish in a day and the one thing that always gets in my way is the computer. I find I could spend hourssss on the computer and then any time to read the books I want to, or even just to take a walk outside and catch some sun shine, or be creative and go on an adventure well the time slips away from me with the abundant amount of information at my finger tips right here on this computer.

So perhaps I'll learn from this experience: if I ever truly want to get anything done I need to turn off my computer. What gets in your way of finishing your long list of tasks?

The rush of life

I know I know...It has been almost a week since I have written, which doesn't exactly go along with my promise to write every day does it? Its amazing how caught up with life we get. The things we put at the top of our list slowly get pushed to the bottom. I found myself sitting around thinking about how I should write, about how it makes me feel better to get the thoughts out of my head and into the universe but I was stuck in my head about what I ought to do instead of actually taking action.

I find that this happens to a lot of people. We make all these plans and decisions but when it comes down to action time we get stuck. Why is this? Are we afraid of committing? Failing? Fear? I know every situation is different, but why is it we get caught up with our emotions instead of just taking action? I know there are benefits to thinking through things and having foresight in mind before taking action (something I am still working on...I tend to get caught up in a moment instead of thinking ahead to the consequences), but when does it get to the point when there is too much thinking and not enough action.

I signed up to become a health counselor. That's right...me a health counselor hahah. If you had told me when I was in my "I'm going to be an actress!" phase that I would be submerged in the yogic, healthy conscience world...I would have laughed in your face. But after getting over the initial shock of the fact that I just spent a large portion of the money I had saved up for my other Graduate Program at Naropa, I got really excited. I committed myself to something. I took action. Finally! I felt as though I was stuck in the thought phase there for awhile and now that I am taking some preparatory online classes and taking notes again its wonderful. I really feel as though my profession should just be life long student. School is where I am most at home, learning is what I am good at. So by July I will have the tools and skills to give advice on any health concerns, which is far too exciting to even put into words. So if any of you have any questions...throw them my way!