And she's back!

Seventy four dollars later and a new shiny keyboard my computer is back and the tapping of the clean keyboard has never felt so pleasant. Although I will admit, having my computer back is a burden already. Being able to actually be present with the people and situations around me has been a nice change and now that I have my computer back I feel myself slowly being sucked back into the internet world.

I have a random question....do we ever really fall out of love with our first loves? Or is it that we just go out and try and find someone that stacks up to our first love? Is there a time when the grieving process is supposed to stop/when it has gone on too long and its time to get back out there? I just can't do it....and I don't want to either. The pain that there is someone out there that I love so much and I'm not even talking to them because of my emotional attachment is a hard thing to bear and grasp. I understand how important it is to actually move on that each party takes their time to contemplate the whole situation on their own.

Everyone keeps telling me to get angry. "Stephanie you shooouuulllddd be angry!" But I just can't. For far too long I have been able to separate someone's behavior from the person they are. I believe I see people for who they are or who they can be and their behavior is so sign of their integrity. Of course this may get me hurt because people may have a lot going on in their own lives that makes their behavior not exactly top notch, but I still refuse to see people in a negative light. What the point? So we can feel better about ourselves?

I don't believe in putting others down. I was never good with come backs and my ability to be sarcastic...well I was a late bloomer. I pride myself on honesty. Complete and brutal honesty and that is only what I ask of others. I find it hard to be honest with myself these days though. Sometimes I don't even know which way is up and which way is down. Like my mother said to me today, "you have a lot of voids right now." Its an unsettling time...out of college, mid transition...I've got about three jobs right now just to test out the waters in several careers although I have to admit I am starting to get excited about the future visions I am seeing of a yogic health counselor who gives therapy with walks in the woods or over a cup of tea haha. Active therapy...screw this sitting down crap: I wanna be moving around.

Hitting rock bottom can really be liberating. We finally get to see that all the things we fear and work so hard to avoid eventually can and do happen. There is nothing we can control in life except our perception and our own reaction to events.