Disappearing act

So my computer alas is malfunctioning.  It is amazing what just a little water can do to such a high functioning machine.  This is why I have disappeared for a little bit, as I have enjoyed the extra time to read all the many books I want to get through instead of putzing around on the computer for hours at a time.  What I do notice though is I have a lot more time to think without all the extra computer distraction around.  I'm trying to accept this as neither a good thing or a bad thing, but just it is what it is kind of situation.  Although, I will admit my brain is getting very tired.  I feel like I am constantly on fire mode with my brain constantly sending out every single thought I can possibly come up with and then having to deal with sitting with it all and reminding myself they are not facts they are just thoughts.

It is a really weird experience to tell yourself that you don't have to believe yourself.  I mean we would think that the thoughts going through our heads are indeed truths, but how accurate are they?  Are the thoughts possibly covering up some other deeper issue that we could be avoiding or is the thought itself the issue at hand and we are trying to stuff it down into our subconscious?  I am slowly re-learning why meditation is so important for me. While it certainly does not quiet my thoughts whatsoever, it does indeed let me watch them as they fly by and realize that thoughts will come and go just as quickly as they came.  So how can any thought really be completely fact if they are like the scenes in a movie just playing themselves out.  

I've been trying to make small goals for myself.  Like take an hour walk every day to get in the extra amount of walking I was getting in my old lifestyle in VT.  Or speak up for myself.  After the tumultuous events of my life over the past several months, I've just gone completely quiet like I wanted to disappear or blend into the walls of every room.  I read in a book we treat others the way we treat ourselves.  I noticed how I hardly said hello to anyone unless they said hello to me.  This further proved to me how much I wanted people to pretend I wasn't there so I could just ruminate over the past as much as I wanted.  But, this isn't me.  It brings me a lot of compassion for people who are quiet or rude or angry, depressed, sad, etc. because we never know what is going on with someone on any given day.  It think it is hard to separate a person from a person's behavior because the two may be out of alignment.  Plus, it is so easy to take things personally when someone is short with us when possibly that person is hungry, or tired, or had just recently had a fight with someone else.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we all have to be true to ourselves.  Not speaking and wanting to disappear, will not make one's life any easier and will most likely make interactions much more difficult.  I am truly learning how I like to be and I know by the smile that is on my face after an interaction in which I felt like "myself."  Everything needs a balance.  Listening is very important, but not speaking one's mind at all ultimately stifles one's creative process and growth.  We learn from others when we speak our mind and get feedback and a challenging notion to what we believe is true.  So for today: Listen, speak, engage, laugh, smile: life is short and the more we fail the more we learn and the more we learn the more we grow.