Gracious Gratitude

I forget how lucky I am.  That I have such a wonderfully supportive family, that I have my health and all my body parts work, that I have an amazingly evolving functional brain.

This remembered inner gratitude came from a series of events that all happened yesterday.  First my dad came to visit and I don't see my father very often as my parents are divorced (and have been for quite some time) and he lives rather far away.  It has also taken me awhile to accept my parents for who they are and embrace and love them for all their quirks.  But, now that I am older and have more of a sense of myself I find myself being able to laugh at the things I used to get embarrassed about.  My parents ultimately are very funny people.  For instance, they both like to strike up conversations with complete strangers where ever they go.  This used to drive me crazy when I was a kid because as a teenager you want to slip into the crowd and "belong" not stand out as my parents seemed to do where ever we went.  Now I see it as a sense of maturity and adventure and kindliness in my parents.  It is interesting how our perspectives can change so drastically depending upon where we are in our lives.

Anyways, I digress....I took my father to a two hour workshop which consisted of one hour of meditation and one hour of yoga and he doesn't exactly practice yoga.  Every now and then I'd look over and fix his legs, but I felt so lucky to be able to practice next my dad and that he was the adventurous type to plunge into something that he really does not know much about.  Next, was the meditation.  The final meditation of the class was a half hour long and I plunged deep within in my soul as the teacher asked us to see what was inside of us.  I saw a scared, fearful, girl who was clutching on to control as hard as she could to keep herself together.  I told her to let go.  I just kept telling myself let go until the tears started to make pools underneath my eyelids.

I tried to let go of the inner pain I carry around with me from past hurt, I tried to let go of control of my world and how fragile I find things to be, I tried to let go of the fear of just living my life, I tried to let go of the judgement I constantly go through from myself on a regular basis.  I felt my body and my spine relax as if my whole body is carrying this weight around with me.  I opened to the gratitude within myself that I am a resilient, strong human being who can get through anything and is lucky to have all that she has.  The day concluded with going out to dinner and a movie with my dad.  In the middle of the movie he reached out and patted my head and in that moment I experienced true love radiate from him to me. I am truly blessed.

I have felt so utterly alone lately and yesterday reminded me that I not only have the love of myself, but I have the love of my family and even though I am not always around them or able to see their love, it is always there, I just have to tap into.  We are all loved by someone, somewhere.  Try not to forget this.  In addition, our own self love is the most powerful love we can give to ourselves.  Cultivate the relationship you have with yourself.

No one told me

An attempt at poetry:

No one told me
No one prepared me
No one explained to me

No one told me how hard this thing called life would be
No one prepared me for the trials and tribulations I would go through
No one explained to me that despite hardships I will keep going

I had to tell myself
I had to prepare myself
I explained it all to the inner child within me

The inner child never stops wanting answers
So I keep telling
So I keep preparing
So I keep explaining
So I keep growing.

Lonely or just bored?

I'm never one to complain being by myself.  I find solitude....easy.  Dealing with the ups and downs of life is a job in and of itself and I find when I am around people I can lend myself more to listen fully to them because I've had enough of sorting my own baggage out.  Yet today I felt a need, a yearning to be around people.  I mean technically I was around people as I wandered around town but no one I actually knew I guess is the clarification.  I was getting more and more upset with thoughts running through my head about how alone I was and some how that meant worthless in my brain.  Its funny how quickly we 1. jump to old patterns of thinking and 2. let ourselves get carried away with one small emotion or thought generalizing suddenly to our whole life instead of an isolated moment.

Anyways, I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to sit down and meditate and ask myself, "hey, whats up?"  And that is exactly what I did and I actually learned a lot.  The self conversation went something like this:

Me: Why are you so upset?
Brain: Because I'm lonely.
Me: Why do you feel lonely?
Brain: Because all I did was hang out with myself today.
Me: But you hang out with yourself every day, why is today any different?
Brain: I don't know, I guess because I'm wandering around town by myself I thought that meant I should be with someone doing that.
Me: Well isn't that just a misconception brain?  Isn't that just society telling you that you need to be around people all the time instead of enjoying your own company?
Brain: Touche self. Touche.

The funny thing is...I felt so much better after that!  Its comforting to bring to awareness what is our own belief and what are the beliefs that have been thrust upon us by our surroundings.  I have never felt alone spending an afternoon by myself to re-charge for work, play, and other various things.  Who knows why today I felt differently, but I regressed into old patterns of thinking and that can never be helpful.  Question everything.  Question your thoughts, your emotions, your beliefs; truly ask yourself is this me who believes this or was this pattern/habit created because I thought this was how things were "supposed" to be/go.  You'll be surprised by what you learn about yourself, but it will bring you even closer to authenticity.

Finding love is like walking in circles

I've been somewhat.... Pensive? Irritated? I don't know...insert word here....about love lately.  Ruminating over loves past, thinking about love for the future, wondering why love is so important.  Love is a huge topic of conversation in our society, but it is never really about self love it is more about love between two people (not the individual).  I don't know why we rush straight from relationship to relationship; never taking time to process the last but constantly needing that connection and to feel wanted and appreciated instead of learning to feel connection and appreciation from ourself.

I find the whole concept of dating kind of strange.  Its like an interview.  You have to dress up and look your best and say all the things that show you in the best light.  There are rules and etiquette and ultimately you know that first impressions mean everything so you try to make your first impression a positive one.  Then there is the waiting period afterward of wondering if they will call or not (even if you don't want them to call you still wonder if they will to see if you both were on the same page or if one was apparently feeling more than the other).  Honestly, why do we put ourselves through this?

Personally, I go out on dates as of right now because I'm bored.  Im not necessarily looking for anything because I know I am still working on loving myself exactly the way I am first.  I find the cultivation of my own self love comes before the need of having someone else love me.  Now, I could say that this is a cop out.  That if the right person came along of course I wouldn't let them get away, but I also believe because I don't really want a serious relationship in my life right now, I'm also not drawing it to me and I'm not putting positive energy out there in the world to receive what I know is out there.

So what to take away from these dating experiences: I sometimes get into interesting conversations, I clarify more and more what I am looking for not just in a partner but in life as well, it is something entertaining to do.  I suppose for all you singles out there, take dating with a grain of salt, even when we really like someone, if they didn't like you, welp there will always be another and another.

Ebb and Flow

It is easy to get stuck in a rut.  We find our routine and become complacent with it.  It becomes our security blanket when nothing else in our life seems controllable, at least we have our routine.  But even that isn't in our control.  Every day is a new day, yet do you ever find yourself approaching the next day exactly how you did the last.  I know for me, instead of waking up in the morning and checking in with myself to see how I am today, I get up and go straight into my schedule that my body knows so well.  I find myself going through the motions just so I can get to the place my head is already at, which is at work, doing some various task, or even with eating, my head is already at the act of swallowing my food, instead of where my body is at, which is chewing.  I'm over there (points to far side of room) instead of right here, right now.  The more my head is over there and my body wants to be right here, the more I feel this tension between my wants and my needs.

What I need is to let go and what I want is more control and sense of security haha.  Have you experienced this?  This inner battle between what you want and what you need.  A couple of years ago, I thought these were exactly the same thing, but as I grow older I realize they conflict a lot.  Then it is a matter of either continuing to fight against what I actually need and be a whiny kid who just goes after what she wants or surrendering control and listening to my inner intuition.  My wants having been winning lately.  So for this week my goal is to let myself listen to what I need and even if its not what I want to do I know in the long run I will gain more from giving my body and mind what it needs.  What do you need?  Write it down, read it over, and think about how it may conflict with what you want.  How have you not been listening to yourself and ignoring signals telling yourself you are not taking optimal care of your needs.  Never feel guilty for giving yourself what you need.

Me time?

I've been contemplating the complexity of slowing down.  I've woken up in the morning some days in the past couple of weeks and have just said to myself "hey I think I'll take a me day and hang around the house and not do anything."  While this is a great idea in theory, by the afternoon of still being in my pajamas and the only thing I have done is eat, read, and watch TV on my computer...well I start feeling like a waste of life.  I have these voices in my head that tell me I should have done something, that today will be a waste if I don't go work out or walk around or run some silly errand.  Why is it that we constantly feel like we need to be on the go?  Why is it that what started out as an action to do exactly what we want to do can get turned around in our head as pointless?

I have found I have a very dramatic mind and I know I'm not alone in this.  It can make a hill into a mountain, an uncomfortable sensation into excruciating pain, and it fights me every step of my way.  I've heard a lot of stories lately that when people take time to slow down they inherently feel guilty.  We're on the go all the time, running to work, making meals, talking, taking care of everyone else, and trying to better ourselves on a consistent basis...why shouldn't we take a day for ourselves?  Even in every religion there are days where it is written that people must take a day of rest.  Why do you think places of prayer were created?  For religious followers (which most of our society follows something) we are told to take a couple of hours off to sit in contemplation.

I suppose the conundrum comes up when how much is too much sitting and contemplation?  Apparently for most people an entire day is too much, yet if we think about monks living in monasteries they sit in contemplation sometimes for weeks.  Thus, perhaps it is a product of our American society that wants us to speed up, that tells us if we're not being productive completing some task then what the hell are we doing?  My suggestion: next time you feel the urge to relax, let go entirely.  If you've sat in front of the television for the last 6 hours watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model, or Lost, or whatever re-runs hit your fancy then pat yourself on the back for letting yourself just be.  We often forget how difficult it is to simply live and that we fill our time with people and things to escape or just make living easier.  Be patient with yourself, that is all you can ask for: patience.

The rabbit may be impressive but the turtle wins the race

There comes a time when you realize you need to let go, to slow down, to take some time for yourself.  I've had this voice in the back of my head for about a week now telling me to hit the pause button.  Ever since I got re-accepted to graduate school I have been pushing myself to keep the good luck flow going, but it is not something that is under my control.  Actually nothing is really in our control except our own perceptions.  How long does it take you to actually listen to your inner guide for what it needs for health and well being?  For me it used to be months of not listening until my body would get sick and tired and I'd be forced to slow down.  Now, my attention span to myself has gotten considerably shorter and I pay attention faster. 

Sickness, fatigue, intense emotions, tension these are all ways that our bodies are trying to tell us that something is not right.  Yet in today's society of hustle and bustle, we rarely take time to listen.  And, when we do listen we still don't stop and take action to fix the problems we slowly see arising because of our social responsibilities.  Think about how much healthier our society would be if we all took the time to take care of ourselves?  (although to note there needs to be a balance between self care and caring for others.  Too much of anything can be detrimental).  Lately, I feel as though I have been hearing so many complaints from friends, family, acquaintances about all the bodily ailments they are feeling.  These are messages from our complex system. 

We all want answers and we want them now.  This is what media and internet has done to us.  Everything and every answer is immediately at our finger tips.  But the only answers that can be valid for your unique self are the answers that come from within.  If your body is feeling achy, perhaps it is time to rest instead of your mind pushing you to the gym.  If you're over eating, maybe it is time to look at the emotions that you are trying to stuff away.  If you keep waking up in the middle of the night, would it be beneficial to take a day for yourself and write out a list of all the things you need to get done to get a better nights rest?  These questions only take a minute to ask yourself, but the benefits that will come will last you much longer.  Probe into your inner world, let yourself be the slow turtle in our rabbit like world, and take care of yourself.

Self Sabotage

Do you ever find life going along smoothly, that there is nothing truly to complain about, and then fear hits.  When will this period end?  How long can I hold on to the goodness that is happening?  We are all aware of the ups and downs of life and the cycles we inevitably go through, but instead of flowing with life we fight against the eventual rough spots.  I even find myself self sabotaging myself, making things harder than they need to be just so I can feel more in control of when the rough spots are going to hit (holding my breathe is also a good one for me).  Quite absurd to even write out that I engage in those actions.

The more we can let go of control and the more we can embrace the difficulties of life then we can stay open to whatever happens and still feel happy no matter what.  In my theatre days, I did quite a bit of stage managing and I always described the role of the stage manager as the eye of the storm; that while everything is crazy around you (lights, scenery, stressed out actors), you continue to stay calm knowing that eventually all will go smoothly and exactly the way it is supposed to.  As they say that theatre mirrors life, the same principle can be implied.  No matter what happens, the end of the storm will eventually come and everything that occurred truly went exactly the way it was supposed to (even if it wasn't the outcome we wanted).

When faced with turbulent times, instead of feeling overwhelmed, scared, fearful, angry...etc, etc, etc... try next time to sit back and see what this situation is trying to teach you.  We are all growing and continuously learning and each situation is here to teach us something that we need to learn to be a wiser individual.  Now I know this is easier said than done...but even bringing awareness and mindfulness every day and asking during even miniature upsets will this matter in five years?  We can constantly bring things into perspective.

The breathe is our most intimate partner

"The breathe is always here for you."
"The breathe is the only constant thing in your life."
"The breathe is the most intimate relationship you can have with yourself."

If you've been in a yoga class how often have you heard a teacher say these sentences?  I was in a yoga class this morning and the teacher was also talking about the breathe being our most trusted friend.  It was the first time I stopped to think and ask myself what the hell does that mean?  The breathe is the most intimate relationship I can have?  I have said these words myself to my friends, family, and when teaching.  Follow the breathe, the breathe will inform you, but no one goes on to describe why we are paying attention and why it is so important.

Being someone who has experienced panic attacks in my young lifetime thus far, I am aware of how crucial the breathe is and how it connects us to all the known and unknown information that is being processed within our minds and therefore our bodies.  One negative thought that I may not pay attention to and all of a sudden my breathing becomes short and shallow for hours until I finally am forced to pay attention to why I am locking my jaw.  Our breathe tells us when we are not treating ourselves with kindness and compassion. 

Think about it for a second, when you are stressed where is your breathe?  Is it high in your chest or low in your belly?  When you are relaxed, is the inhale and exhale of your breathe even?  Every time an emotion arises in our bodies in response to a thought in our mind, our breathe will tell us how we are reacting if we don't deal with the emotion right then and there.  The more we try and ignore a problem the more our breathe will tell us we need to pay attention.  The less we are breathing, the more tension we feel.  The lesson here: make friends with your breathe, let it inform you, let it guide you.  It really is the most intimate relationship we can foster....with ourselves.

Give and then give some more

I talk a lot about how important self care is and how one needs to take care of themselves before they can take care of anyone else.  On the flip side, giving not only raises spirits and extends one's life time, but also makes both parties (the giver and the receiver) feel good.  With all the things we have going on in today's society, sometimes it is hard to take our minds out of our melodramas and extend ourselves to someone else's melodrama hah.  I gave the last year and a half of my life to AmeriCorps and worked at a Drop-in center for at risk and homeless youth.  It is interesting how this job both drained me and exhilarated me.  I came home at the end of the day exhausted, not able to think or do anything productive, but after a good nights rest I couldn't wait to get back to work.  When we give our all, we can sometimes drain our spirit (I might have worked a bit too much to be honest), but the outcome and the impact we make on this world for others makes it all worth it.  Think about it: doctors work around the clock to take care of everyone else and have to schedule time for their own self care.

Here is a story I found that really inspired me today and I hope it does the same for you:

Giving When it Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Elizabeth who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I die quickly?" The little boy had thought that the doctor meant he had to give his life to save his sister.

When was the last time you gave, with no strings attached and no expectation of getting anything in return?  Try and engage in one selfless act today and see how it makes you feel.

Happy New Year

Welcome 2010! I had multiple conversations with people yesterday about how much importance we put on New Year's eve. What is the big deal? Why is it that society has instilled this idea in our head that New Year's eve is a night to go to some wild party and get drunk and not even remember how you spent your first couple of hours of the new year? I even questioned my own notions yesterday about why New Year's eve to me is so important that I don't spend it by myself. Whats wrong with just hanging out with me? Even if I were alone on New Year's eve I know I would figure out ways to make it a special evening for myself. That wasn't the case though as I did share my New Year's eve with my best friend for a relaxing night of laughing and cooking.

The other faux pa of New Year's eve is to make yourself a New Year's resolution. Where and when was this created? I think every day can be a day to make resolutions and to start again, but for some reason people put great important on this one day and this one resolution and beating themselves up the rest of the year when they didn't lose that 10 pounds, or quit smoking, or any various resolutions one makes for the New Year. For everyone and anyone reading this, just remember not to put so much pressure on your new resolutions because growth and change take time no matter how committed we are to that change.

Anyways, I myself will also fall into the faux pa this year. I did a lot of reflection yesterday. I sat and meditated for a good 30 minute sit and thought about each month of last year. First of all, 2009 flew by and its weird to think that I can still see and feel each month so precisely as if it happened yesterday. Second, I realized how much baggage I have carried around with me. Its weighed me down emotionally, spiritually, physically. I carried my wounds like walls protecting myself from further damage. Since I have come home and have spent time searching myself for what I truly want for my life and in my life I feel as though I am finally coming into the person I always saw potential of being. I actually feel happy. Happy about me, about who I am, about where I am going in life. I beat myself up less for my mistakes, and when I do, I quickly use the tools I have learned to find the silver lining in any difficult situation.

Thus, my New Year's resolution is to let go. Let go of the past, let go of pain over situations that are no longer present, and be more fully present in the present. It is not a huge resolution, but it is something that I feel will make this year and the years to come smoother by integrating all my pieces (who I have been, who I am, and who I am going to become) with compassion and kindness. This New Year, treat yourself with more kindness, find more compassion for yourself and cultivate more compassion for others. No one ever means to hurt us, they are only protecting their own happiness. Forgive, never forget, but let go of the pain, and embrace life just the way it is.

Happy New Year.