The New Year

So I have been trying to avoid religion discussion because I don't really consider myself a religious person, but more of a spiritual person. Yet, I was brought up Jewish and tomorrow (well starting tonight after sundown) is Yom Kippur. This holiday (to me) is about thinking about the past year and how I wronged others and the gossip I may have spread and engaged in and how I have been hurt and hurt others as well. I think about the things I still need to work on and how my ego still gets in the way of fully communicating myself. I think the older I get the more I realize that I can talk about mundane things for hours or listen to people talk about anything forever, but talking about what is going on in my head and how I feeeeeel about things is ultimately extremely difficult for me.

I stayed in contemplation most of the day today and tomorrow I have a full day of contemplation at synagogue and you have to fast until sundown tomorrow. I made a lot of mistakes this past year. I hurt others by not listening to my heart and my intuition. I was selfish at times. I was brash and interrupted people. I couldn't let the love of my life go, which hurt both of us more and more as time went on. I put others before myself more than was healthy and sacrificed my personality, strength, and I lost myself. (So here I am going to apologize to everyone...if I wronged you or hurt you in anyway, I am truly so very sorry. I was trying to follow my heart and I did not mean to make you feel bad in any way. Everyone I have ever known or come into contact with is a beautiful soul and I know they continue to shine on right now.)

I was reading about astrology today and suddenly felt at home within myself. I forgot about all the personal interests that I had cultivated over the past couple of years that made me feel...like me, whatever that means. What really is the self? It is all a matter of perspective. The way we see ourselves and the way others see us can be entirely different. The way we see ourselves one day can be entirely different the very next day. Our brains are constantly revising, learning, growing, changing, and we have the amazing capacity within ourselves to heal. I feel like right now I am trying to regain who I was instead of accepting who I am now. I went through an extremely difficult last three years of my life so why I am trying to gain back someone who is so unhappy but covering it up with all sorts of other things....the only explanation I can ascertain is that I got comfortable with it/with the lifestyle.

Isn't it amazing how we can continue to live our lives in a way that is not conducive to finding ultimate inner peace within ourselves simply due to the fact that we become comfortable with living a life uncomfortably. We get used to putting ourselves down, we get used to waking up feeling anxious, we become accustomed to not living our lives to their full potential. So what are you going to do to start living your life to the fullest??

Right of Way

My funny haha moment of the day: I was in the car driving to the yoga joint to work for the night shift. I stopped at a stop sign and since I was in no hurry told the person across from me that they could go first. They happily waved me on first and thus I went and thanked them with a flash of my hand. As I drove off onto the highway I wondered....where did these hand signals come from? Why is a simple gesture with the hand tell someone they can go first...why am I not waving about in my car and that would mean please go ahead of me? And then the thank you signal...it looks like I'm giving the other person an air high five. Like, "Thanks for letting me go first! High five!" I was literally laughing at myself in the car while I was thinking of this.

There are signals all around us all the time. It is just a matter of paying attention to them. When I was living in Burlington I felt like I was constantly getting feedback, from whatever you want to call it, that I was in the right place at the right time. For example, right after I had started seeing a new meditation teacher, I was in the grocery store and had forgotten to snap off a piece of ginger. I ran to go get some and I bumped into her right as she entered the store. It is these little things that tell us that you and someone else are on the same journey and will affect each other in profound ways, unbeknown to you as of that moment. A lot of these little situations happened to me in VT and I am curious why they aren't happening to me now that I've left. Am I not paying attention or am I just really out of tune with everything right now?

Illusion

After years of not focusing on myself, I am being forced to have to actually focus on what I want. I think it is amazing how we can go through life comparing ourselves to others and trying to live up to others' expectations. Suddenly out of college and spending the past couple of years of my life meditating and doing yoga, I realize everything I was doing was just to look like a perfect person without even asking myself if I wanted to be doing what I'm doing. The funny thing about it though is that the yoga world is what brought me to all these realizations. It was both my savior and my downfall.

Thus, I have re-committed myself and I am trying to do yoga every single day and I can find myself realizing things about myself that I have ignored for years. It is hard to look at yourself and actually realize who you are and that your perception of yourself doesn't match up. So what do you believe? The person you show the world or the person you internally believe you are? I have no answers quite yet...but the first step is to ask the questions.

Tone of voice

I've always struggled with my tone of voice and it has got me thinking about how our words can be misconstrued by the way we say them. A lot of the time my words come out a lot stronger (even with a hint of sarcasm or anger in them) when I'm trying to say something constructive or just how I am feeling in the moment (although talking about my feelings is probably one of my least favorite things to do). Lately I have been around people who are so calm and even toned that anything they say you want to listen to them; even when they are giving constructive criticism. This might be because the way they are giving their words is with such gentleness that one is able to be receptive to anything that is being said. I wish I was one of those people, but I find myself constantly coming across stronger than I mean to.

This occurs more often since I am living with my mother. I know mother daughter relationships are completely different than any other relationship a daughter will have the rest of their lives, but its like I am constantly being shown the things I need to work on. She is the hardest mirror to have in front of me all the time and thus I get angry at her when she isn't necessarily doing anything bad or hurtful but my reaction to her actions show me the flaws I am working on and thus instead of accepting this with humbleness I get agitated.

Isn't interesting how worked up we get when our flaws are revealed to ourselves? Right away my ego goes into protective mode and my walls go up and I either stop talking (I lack in the communication area at times of frustration) or I lash out and say things in a brutal tone of voice. I know intellectually that my words would be more accepted and listened to by those around me if I said how I felt in a calm manner, but sometimes I just get so worked up all I want to do is yell, even when I know that won't solve anything. I suppose working with tone of voice comes with age, but I feel as though the sooner I master this, the more I will be able to clearly articulate myself and have healthier communications with others.

What do you find yourself working on and how do others help you through this process of revealing your flaws?

Spirituality

I had a very interesting day today...a lot of stimulating conversations in which I got to practice thinking for myself. I have realized in the past I was very open to believing what everyone said to me instead of privately asking myself if I agreed with this person's point of view or not. I now know that having conversations with people is a chance to cultivate yourself and a way to bring more depth and understanding of who you are by understanding what you believe in with regards to what other people believe in. I hope that sentence made sense haha.

Anyways, there are too many conversations that occurred today to go into them all...but I think the pearl and epiphany that happened to me today was an eye awakening experience. While driving to a yoga class this morning, I started to think about spirituality and what it means to be spiritual. I think after going through an eating disorder three years ago and turning to Buddhism for some answers I took away the wrong message. I thought by getting involved in yoga and meditation (which helped me tremendously) that I was supposed to be what our Western society has deemed what a "spiritual" person looks like: someone who is calm, serene, and tranquil. The ultimate vision of the Buddha mediating. I am neither calm, serene, or tranquil (of course I have my moments but not on a continuous basis). I have a lot of energy, I like to talk and I like to listen, I pride myself on having a strong character. But, for the past several years I altered and doctored myself to be something that I thought I "should" be if I was in this mystical world.

The other side is, people with strong personalities, tend to be easy targets to be picked on. So after much verbal abuse, eventually someone will dull their shine to "fit in." Why is that we are afraid of people who have outward confidence? Why is it that we feel threatened by other people's happiness? Are we envious? Jealous? Why is it that we pick on and make fun of each other so much? What are we afraid of?

I am slowly remembering who I was, who I changed into, and who I want to be as I grow up. Whoever said that the 20's is the best time of your life had it all wrong...I think its the second most tumultuous time (adolescence and puberty being the first) as you are figuring out how you want to live your life after being in college for around 22 years. I will add, as difficult as this time is, I am embracing every change, every uncomfortable thought, every unexpected turn, because life is a journey and I am on the wildest and loopy of rides.

Life is precious

Last night while driving home from the yoga joint I work at, it started to rain. I wasn't expecting it at all so I slowed down on the high as my windshield wipers don't actually fit my car and don't really work properly, thus making vision a little blurry...not too safe when you're driving 65 on the highway and its raining and a little foggy. My sympathetic nervous system kicked into gear and my heart was racing a little fast as I got nervous about getting into an accident. As I rolled off the highway I was relieved to be close to home. But, ya know what they say...most accidents happen when you're only 5 minutes away from your house.

Well it wasn't actually me who got into an accident, but I was fairly close. I was driving down the street and I looked in my rear view mirror and the car behind my swerved. I wasn't really sure what to do so I sped up and turned off onto a side road so they couldn't hit me and I saw out of my mirror they went up on the side of the road, half of their wheels on someone's lawn, and then kept driving right off on the lawn and down the road. My heart was beating out of its chest at this point and my hands were shaking. I couldn't believe that just happened in front (or well in back) of me and the fact that their car could have hit mine and then that would have been quite a mess.

When I drove the rest of the way home, I couldn't help but think about that person in the car. How shaken they probably were and I hoped they were alright. When I got into bed later, the whole situation flashed in my mind again and I thought, alright what can I learn from this experience. I've been leaving my house at the very last minute to drive 20 minutes away to get to this yoga joint on time and basically rushing, which has been thrilling, but not safe. I used to leave a lot of time for myself to get from point A to point B, but lately I just find myself putzing around later and later. If I am truly going to incorporate slowing down into all aspects of my life this means also being safe with my life and driving carefully. We're all in such a rush these days to get to where we are going, but if you enter anywhere with a smile on your face and a calm presence about you, no one will ever really ask or care why you're late.

I remember hearing a story one of my yoga teachers once told me. She was in charge of getting this famous monk (I honestly can't remember which one) to a college to do a lecture. They were already running late and he was stopping on the street and saying hi to everyone as well. She was naturally worried and freaking out because they were 1. late and 2. it was her responsibility to make sure that everything went smoothly. When they got to the college though, the monk, not worried by time at all, just smiled at everyone and people were so glad that he was there that any frustrations of having to wait vanished. Time truly is of the essence and merely a perception. So take the time you need to take care of yourself and everything else will work itself out.

And I took the road less traveled by...

What to say, what to say....I'm trying to embrace this whole slowing down thing. It is really rather hard for me haha but every day I feel more like myself again. My mind is slowly quieting, my spirit and vitality or creeping back into my personality. It is amazing how we adapt and change as the weeks fly by. Two months ago I was ridden with anxiety and not able to get off the floor I was crying so much. Today, I found myself actually smiling and laughing and not really caring that I hardly did anything until I went to work this evening. I think that is far more important than anything else that has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. I can actually see and feel my brain slowly down and that is truly amazing.

Have you ever watched yourself like that? I know you all have gone through a rough period at some point in your life. Think back to that moment.....(I'll wait...).....now think about how you are now. How did you get here? What changes did you make either consciously or subconsciously? How did you pick yourself back up again? The human spirit is an incredible thing to watch, but I find we rarely take the time to reflect on the constant changes that are occurring. I think even I had stopped watching how I've changed over the past several years and now it all caught up to me. I think that is why it is important to take that time to reflect and sit with one self so that you don't have the moment that I did of "Who the hell am I and how did I get here?"

I am beginning to become more excited about the prospects in my future....whatever it beholds. Less fearful of what is going to happen to me and more curious. Fear has never helped me or anyone I know. It holds us back from exploring with a child's like curiosity what is around us. How did we become so fearful of living life? I talked with a career counselor tonight to start some sessions to try to figure this whole what should I do with my life thing...I'm really excited about this...beaming actually is a good word. Maybe because I finally feel movement in my life again...things are slowly starting to pick up. Patience: it is one of the hardest virtues to behold and something I guess I am still working on.

Vivid Flasbacks

I've been pushing myself some what physically lately to feel as though I am accomplishing something these days. I've decided to take it easy this week as my body is screaming at me to slow down. So I just took a walk this morning around the back roads around my house. I didn't bring a watch, a cell phone, or even water. It was just me and my ipod and the sun decided to come along. As I was walking down the street I remembered what an old counselor used to tell me, which was to look around at everything as if you have never seen it before. It brings a whole new appreciation and clarity to life that I find I'm missing most of the time. So I decided to try and do this activity as much as I possibly could on my walk. I began with looking up at the trees. They were sooooo green and it was beautiful the way the sun peaked through the holes of the leaves. I saw the dew and the previous days' rain sticking to the grass. I stopped along a stream and listened to this small babbling brook and was extremely sad to find that some one had thrown trash in the woods below (I thought about picking it up but had no safety means to do that haha).

As I was walking of course my mind began to wander. I thought about things that I'm actively trying to not think about on a regular basis and for just this hour walk I decided to let myself think about the past few months. Regret, jealousy, rage, anger, sadness, happiness all arose. It is amazing how much emotion we can go through just by a single thought that occurs in our brain. Then our brain signals all of its amazing electrical currents to make us respond to these thoughts. What if some one didn't have that capability to respond to their thoughts? Would that be a blessing in disguise or would that person be completely numb to everything because they had no capability to respond? Interesting things to think about and appreciate the natural way we were made. I think it is so easy to get caught up with focusing on all the negatives going on in ones' life and forget about all the good that is going on at the same time. For instance, as I write this post, I haven't actually done much today except take this walk, read, and eat food, so I could say to myself, "wow you have no purpose right now do you?" haha but that wouldn't really be nice to say to myself, so instead, how beautiful is it that I can relax right now and lie on the floor with the sun shining on my face through the window.

Simplicity. I think that is what it all comes down to. We can complicate our lives as much as we want and create drama and wallow in our own self pity or we can flip it all around, decide to put on the rosy colored glasses, and feel blessed for all the little things we do have. As frustrated I am with my life at the current moment in time and the decisions I have made, I feel grateful for this time that I've given myself, even if I don't want to be taking it right now, I know I need to so that I can center myself after years of anguish and depression. So what are you grateful for?

Purpose...its that little flame that lights a fire under your...

I haven't felt a sense of purpose in a long time. I kind of got off track there for awhile because life got a little overwhelming. My last year of college I remember creating plans for myself to do social action through theatre, thus combining my theatre and my psychology degrees. Some where and some how I forgot that I wanted to do this. I suddenly remember what drew me to the somatic counseling psychology program at Naropa. It was a program that seamlessly involved being in one's body (what an actor has to do on stage) and learning about human nature. The program is naturally theatrical in nature and that is why I loved it so much because being involved in just psychology drains me and being in just theatre drives me nuts haha. I need both, they both keep me stable. I get the opportunity to be at peace while in front of others who need my ear to listen and then the theatrical side brings out my truly passionate and cheery nature.

I had an interview this afternoon to be the House Manager/Event Planner for a theatre near me. I haven't interviewed for a job I really want in a long time, but let me say.... I really want this job. I know I'd be perfect for it and that it would give me a purpose and make me feel as though I am contributing something to this world again. Do you ever leave an interview and remember about 10 million other things you should have told the person interviewing you about how perfect you would be for this position? Welp, as soon as I got into the car I was like damn it I should have told them about this and that and I did this too! O well....hopefully what I said was enough.

Afterward I continued on to Whole Foods, which I must say was a magical experience. I have been missing the opportunity to buy things in bulk (because ultimately it is cheaper and you can buy as little or as much as you want). Thus, it has been a pretty wonderful day...haven't had one of those in awhile...lets keep it up shall we?

No Kidding, Me Too!!

As I was working at the yoga studio this evening, I found a card on the front desk publicizing a website called No Kidding, Me Too!  Its mission is basically this: 

No Kidding, Me Too! is an organization whose purpose is to remove the stigma attached to brain dis-ease through education and the breaking down of societal barriers. Our goal is to empower those with brain dis-ease to admit their illness, seek treatment, and become even greater members of society.

I am a fulllll advocate of this!

I was immediately drawn to the cause.  I am someone who has been surrounded by mental illness my entire life and, who admittedly, suffers herself.  I grew up with most of my family suffering from some kind of mental illness as depression runs in my family.  I have struggled in and out of depression for years since my parent's divorce.   As I have grown up, I have had this need to understand human beings, especially the brain.  I have studied theatre and psychology in conjunction my whole life as I believe art mirrors life and life mirrors art.  I spent the past year and a half of my life working at a Drop-in center helping at risk and homeless youth.  These youth were not only struggling with either being homeless or having parents with mental illness who could not take care of them, but they were struggling with mental illness themselves and were using anything and everything to diminish the pain they felt on a continual basis.  While working at this Drop-in center, I also at the time was dating a male who was coming to terms that he was bipolar.  We are no longer together, but watching the ups and downs he went through every single day broke my heart. Mental illness is everywhere and I always feel like I am hiding something by not saying, "hey I have dealt with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, an eating disorder, and add a little OCD on the side."  I'm a full bag of fun let me tell you.  I wish we were all more open about the struggles we are going through or have had to go through in the past.  It makes me feel more connected to human kind when people tell me the struggles they have been through because suddenly I don't feel so alone (or ashamed of the things I have struggled with and continue to).  I promise to be more honest and open here and in my life because I'm tired of hiding behind the mask of a "normal" human being (whatever that means).

Time is of the essence

I had an interesting conversation with my mom last night at like midnight. The pearl she left me with last night was when we have time we have no idea what to do with it and when we don't have any time for ourselves we always say, "man I wish I had time to do X, Y, and Z." Here I am with all this time right now and I'm not doing anything with it. I keep sulking at the disposition I have put myself in instead of grabbing time by the horns and riding it for all its worth. I miss my old lifestyle in Burlington so much where I could walk anywhere and my favorite yoga places were right around the corner and I could walk to our Co-op which was right around the corner and buy spices in bulk that were really cheap. It is amazing how a place can change how you like to live your life entirely.

Yet there are interesting things to do everywhere and it is just a matter of going out and exploring your surroundings. On my trip to Boston this past weekend, I remembered what it was like to be spontaneous. My friends just wake up and go anywhere they feel like (of course MA is a bit more interesting than CT)...but the point is if you have the means to get to point A to point B (which I do) then it is just matter of motivation to get up and go...which I think is that part I am lacking in at the moment.

I took a class on motivation in undergrad about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. I have always been my biggest motivator to push myself to do the best and then do better after that. And now I feel like I have failed myself and I took a detour some where....first loves makes us go a little crazy I suppose. But I am feeling a little more back on track...whatever that means...every day is a new day right?

Clear mind

I'm not one who believes in all the hype of detoxes and such because I believe that food is vital to health and functioning properly. Yet, as I have been home where I grew up I find myself in all the classical conditioning I have learned and falling back into habits I had in high school...what is it about old atmospheres that transform us into people we're not anymore?

Anyways, after eating horribly since I have been home I have decided that I am going to do my take on a detox and just eat all natural whole foods for one week. This means no dairy, no bread, no sugar. I am still playing with the idea of if I am going to eat meat or not or just stick with soy for the week or just fish. It has only been the second day and I feel better already and I went to an hour and a half yoga class today which felt great. After all the confusion I have been through and continuously go through on a regular basis these days I want to find any way I can to clear out some of the clutter in my body and my brain.

Fear predominates most things in my life right now. Fear of rejection, fear of not being liked by everyone around me, fear of failing, fear of making a decision, a choice, because that means I'm closing the door on something else. But, living in fear only stops us from living it doesn't protect us from all the things we are fearing. Ultimately, I still go out every day and do things and talk to people and some people might like me and some may not so no matter how hard I try to control my surroundings everything I fear is still happening on a continual basis whether I am paying attention to them all or not.

I am also making decisions every single moment. How incredible is that! I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for all the little things we do every single day. To wake up and decide to eat breakfast, and to go work out, and to stop for that person on the street and help them pick up their things: we are making little choices all the time, yet by the end of the day....how do we forget all those little things? For today, I am going to pat myself on the back for how far I've come in life and that my journey is continuing every single second and I am glad you are all here sharing it with me.

Pahked my cah in Havahd Yahd

So I know it has been a couple of days since I've written...I decided to get out of town for this long weekend and visit some college friends in Boston. It was kind of interesting being around people who actually know who I was and who I am now...it was some what nerve racking to be around them. I've grown into quite the introverted person when out with my friends who I used to be extremely extroverted with. Of course, get me on a topic that I feel is something worth talking about and I'll chime in with my two cents, but lately I just feel as though if I have nothing noteworthy to say...so why say anything at all?

Anyways, it was one of my friends' birthday and thus we all got dressed up (which I haven't done in forever and that was highly entertaining) and went out to dinner and to some bars to go dancing. I was the only one not drinking and that didn't bother me at all because if dancing is involved I don't need any liquid motivation to inspire me to let loose and shake my hips. Dancing is one of those things that I will actually stay up until all ends of the night doing because it is one of the most liberating things you can do not only with friends but by yourself as well (I am a big advocate of spending an afternoon dancing around the house like a fool with my music blaring...if you have never done this I highly advise you try it the next time you find yourself alone and bored).

Bar scenes are....quite interesting. I don't spend much time at bars and rarely go to them. The whole idea of a bar is kind of funny. All these single people in a room lookin' to "get down". There were a lotttt of people in this large room with an awesome DJ and everyone had their own dancing and "come on" styles. The worst I probably saw of the night was this older gentleman who was relentlessly grabbing girls' hands and just starting to dance with them without asking...needless to say every girl walked away. By one in the morning, I was exhausted and sitting on a bench in the back of the room and looking at how over the past couple of hours everyone had seemed to pair off. Even most of the girls I was with had some how found some guy to talk to or dance with...or other things hah. I personally could never meet a guy at a bar. The fact that I rarely go to them, makes me already feel like a fake that if I met some guy he would think I'm some partier, which I am not (and yes I realize that someone out there could have been in the same situation as me). I guess I just need the opportunity to have a conversation with someone first before I let them run their grubby hands over my body.

Why is it though that we naturally pair off? It is extremely hard to go out in a situation like this just to have some fun with friends and not worry about a love interest or finding a date or someone to dance with. Why is just going out with yourself to have some fun never enough? These are the questions that passed through my head as I watched the night unfold. Even my eyes shifted about all night to see if I was possibly being checked out by other guys but then ended up looking up at the ceiling reminding myself that I don't truly care and am certainly not looking and ready to go back out there again yet anyways. But, yet it was something I had to remind myself constantly throughout the night. Why is it that love and finding it always seem at the forefront of most people's brains?

O Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Please Shine Down on me....

I didn't do much today...which is rare for me but it is probably a good thing that I begin to learn how to slow down every once and awhile. I wanted to share the best part of my day though.

I have been cleaning my room most of the day and throwing out a lot of clothes that are years old. I was filled with dust, which I could also feel in my lungs hah. I had yet to take a step outside, so I dropped everything I was doing and went into my backyard. My backyard is filled with a lot grass and trees and about 6 bird feeders (birds became my mom's fascination after I left for college). We now have regular visitors from birds, squirrels, turkey's, rabbits, deer, and chipmunks...I don't know what her friends are going to do when she moves out of this house.

Anyways, I walked straight into an area where the sun was clearly shining and plopped myself down on the grass and stared up at the leaves on this enormous tree in the middle of the yard. All of a sudden, things just seemed so incredibly simple...air, birds, breeze, ants crawling on my arms, and flies flying around my ears. It was the simplest clearest moment I have had in awhile...which makes me realize how I complicate life to no end when things naturally are simple and maybe it is just in human nature to search for more. Why is it so hard to accept the simplicity of life?

Come back to your breathe

I have been somewhat avoiding a continuous yoga practice. Things in my life have been in such an upheaval I didn't want to face any truths going on inside my brain. But, I have been practicing yoga for almost 4 years now (plus I went through a certification) so after awhile my body sort of craves it.

I haven't been sleeping very well....waking up at 1 in the morning and not being able to fall back to sleep for hours is a whole bunch of fun let me tell you. I have no idea how many proper hours of sleep I am going off of right now, but I was determined to get to this advanced yoga class today. Slightly groggy and filled with green tea I drove 20 minutes to the studio and was immediately glad to be there as soon as I walked in.

I got there extremely early and decided to meditate. I sat there in a big empty studio, on a block, listening to my breath. I had completely forgotten that I benefited from this stuff. For awhile I thought it was all bogus and why have I been spending so much of my time for the last several years on stuff that did nothing for me. But, sitting there and watching my thoughts pass by I remembered what it was like to be "in tune" with myself and to stop beating myself up for deferring school and coming home to get some down and a little more self exploration. I realized I am making this opportunity into one that is very difficult instead of embracing the situation I am in right now.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be...even writing those words my head wants to argue..."No you're supposed to be in CO right now!" I battle these thoughts by saying again, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Sometimes the events in our life don't go exactly as planned (actually most of the time nothing goes as planned). I am learning this more and more every day by watching the events happening to each person in my family. I doubt any one of them expected to be where they are right now, but yet here they are. Its hard to embrace any tough spot we find ourselves in but the more we let go of grasping for our circumstances to be different the better we are able to embrace our situation and find the motivation to change it to something that is closer to what we had imagined for ourselves.

I continue to search for what I have imagined for myself, but I'm still coming up short on the where do you see yourself in five years question....guess I'll have to come back to it another day.

When I grow up I wanna be...

I think back to when I was a kid when someone would ask my little self, "Stephanie, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I believe my various answers included horse trainer, fashion producer (I spent a lot of time pretending I could sketch dresses), and who knows what else. As I grew older, theatre became my continuous answer. I remember screaming at my mother when I was a teenager when she was trying to tell me how difficult it is to actually make a living in the theatre industry. "I don't care!!! I'm going to be in theatre whether you like it or not!" Like she really had anything to do with me "making it" in the business.

Now 23 years old, I'm literally stumped. I spent my entire college career going back and forth from loving psychology and then to being obsessed with theatre and now I truly don't know if I want to do either. Going into undergraduate school should really be postponed until an 18 year old has some time off from school and can explore what they truly like at a younger age. Therefore, we might eliminate the whole experience of wholy crap I'm finally out of school after 22 years of being in school and what the hell do I do with myself now. I would do undergraduate all over again if I could. All I want to do right now is go back to school.

I was reading a book the other day on everything an adult has probably forgotten since high school. It covered every topic from history to something as simple as recess hah. Now, I was never a science fan growing up, but suddenly protons and neutrons seemed interesting to me. So what am I supposed to do when suddenly everything in the whole world seems like an interesting and worth while pursuit. My friend referred to my brain as a sponge again, ready and open to absorb any and all information I want to put into it. Its only been a year out of college and I think I was bored out of my mind last year being out of school and no matter what activities I filled my day with I truly miss a classroom setting.

So how did you figure it out? That one thing that makes your heart sing? And how the hell did you get there???