The New Year

So I have been trying to avoid religion discussion because I don't really consider myself a religious person, but more of a spiritual person. Yet, I was brought up Jewish and tomorrow (well starting tonight after sundown) is Yom Kippur. This holiday (to me) is about thinking about the past year and how I wronged others and the gossip I may have spread and engaged in and how I have been hurt and hurt others as well. I think about the things I still need to work on and how my ego still gets in the way of fully communicating myself. I think the older I get the more I realize that I can talk about mundane things for hours or listen to people talk about anything forever, but talking about what is going on in my head and how I feeeeeel about things is ultimately extremely difficult for me.

I stayed in contemplation most of the day today and tomorrow I have a full day of contemplation at synagogue and you have to fast until sundown tomorrow. I made a lot of mistakes this past year. I hurt others by not listening to my heart and my intuition. I was selfish at times. I was brash and interrupted people. I couldn't let the love of my life go, which hurt both of us more and more as time went on. I put others before myself more than was healthy and sacrificed my personality, strength, and I lost myself. (So here I am going to apologize to everyone...if I wronged you or hurt you in anyway, I am truly so very sorry. I was trying to follow my heart and I did not mean to make you feel bad in any way. Everyone I have ever known or come into contact with is a beautiful soul and I know they continue to shine on right now.)

I was reading about astrology today and suddenly felt at home within myself. I forgot about all the personal interests that I had cultivated over the past couple of years that made me feel...like me, whatever that means. What really is the self? It is all a matter of perspective. The way we see ourselves and the way others see us can be entirely different. The way we see ourselves one day can be entirely different the very next day. Our brains are constantly revising, learning, growing, changing, and we have the amazing capacity within ourselves to heal. I feel like right now I am trying to regain who I was instead of accepting who I am now. I went through an extremely difficult last three years of my life so why I am trying to gain back someone who is so unhappy but covering it up with all sorts of other things....the only explanation I can ascertain is that I got comfortable with it/with the lifestyle.

Isn't it amazing how we can continue to live our lives in a way that is not conducive to finding ultimate inner peace within ourselves simply due to the fact that we become comfortable with living a life uncomfortably. We get used to putting ourselves down, we get used to waking up feeling anxious, we become accustomed to not living our lives to their full potential. So what are you going to do to start living your life to the fullest??