I have yet to unpack all of my stuff since moving home, although I did just recently open my boxes to find out what was inside as I couldn't remember. One box was filled with books I had collected from others but have yet to read. One of them a friend gave me and told me I had to read this book. It is called the Disease to Please. Now, I've been carrying this book around for months, kind of afraid to open it up and realize that I had a problem haha. I mean how does helping people get to the point of being detrimental? Well it can...trust me it can.
I cracked open the book this morning and in it are the ten commandments of people pleasing. Now even if you deny you are a people pleaser (which I think part of me has for quite some time) I read these commandments and couldn't help but laugh...here they are:
1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.
3. I should always listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
6. I should never say "no" to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.
That is a lot of expectations for one self and yet some where/some time as I grew up I found these expectations definitely built up for me. When you are in the midst of people pleasing of course you're not going to think it is a problem...but during this past year when I tried to please everyone around me except for myself that is when I realized that what I originally thought was a positive character trait was actually tearing down my soul and my well being.
I think it is a product partially of our society that tells us that being "selfish" is a bad quality trait and a bad thing to engage in. I think there is a difference though between selfishness to the point that all you do is take from others without giving back at all and being selfish to take care of oneself in the ultimate pursuit of being able to be of more assistance to others around you. Are you a people pleaser, and if so, how do you take care of yourself?
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When you live in love, are sustained by love, know that your nature is love then you don't NEED to please people all the time. There is a nice balance in one of Jesus' oft quoted sayings: "love your neighbour as you love yourself." When asked who is my neighbour he made it clear that your neighbour could be anyone who needs YOUR help, as opposed to everyone who is asking for help.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is one of identity: who ARE you? When who you are is the sum product of the scripts you've been fed, expectations you've been taught you have to fulfill, when you've grown up only knowing how to please others as your way of being okay, then people pleasing will be second nature for you, and you may catch yourself believing that if you please people, i.e., take care of them, they'll take care of you. This is where finally disillusionment might give you the chance to become free of these chains. Whether it's through an Eastern enlightenment path - waking up to the illusory nature of our constructed world of social relations, waking up to realize that we are in fact full of love, peace, joy, that we ARE love, peace, joy; or whether it's through the western path as laid out by Jesus, where we find we are children of Abba (literally Dadda in Aramaic) are special, loved, and provided for just because we are who we are; whether eastern or western the path to becoming free is that of realizing that simply BEING who you are is the key to liberation.
I think you found this book for a reason.
ReplyDeleteIn reponse to your question? What exactly is a people pleaser? First and foremost I am #1 and look after myself. I do take care of everyone around me and listen to their problems but I don't try to solve them, sometimes people just need to vent,that goes both ways.
I do have my limitations on what their expectations are of me but I am who I am and if I disappoint you, I would hope that our relationship is solid enough that you will forgive me.
You get to a point where you are #1 and it doesn't matter what others think.