Sitting Shiva

Every loss (even ones that are not associated with death), the loss of material or physical things, results in mourning. Mourning for the death of something: the life you got to know, the relationship that you were comfortable with, the routine that seemed to fit for that moment in time. Any change results in a death. Maybe that is why life is so difficult; like a roller coaster as they say. Sometimes we are coasting along and there are no major dips and we able to handle the tiny set backs on a daily basis as our tolerance builds as we grow older. But, what happens when a major event happens resulting in this loss of which I speak about and then every minor set back becomes as large of importance as the major event?

I've always had a hard time with change. Change means that the life I got to know is no longer and now something new is going to come along. (I don't like using the word should, it should be stricken from our dictionary haha) But, I shoulddddd be excited about what could possibly come along, I feel as though there are so many wonderful opportunities out there and I'm stuck in this mourning phase of the life I once had become so comfortable with. As I sat and meditated this afternoon, I knew in my head that even this uncomfortable stage in my life will change as well...that with every upheaval comes a pearl of wisdom and the opportunity for something greater to come along. Yet, my heart says, "damn it this hurts." It is an interesting experience noticing that what you want and what you need are two entirely different things and are clashing.

"Onnnnn one side of the ring we have the incredible yearning agitating WANTING anddddd on the other side of the ring is the unstoppable uncomprehendible NEEEEED." Sorry my imagination went off with itself there..... Its like a battle and a balance of what my heart stubbornly wants and what my head knows it needs to begin bringing those wonderful opportunities back into my life. I know the power of "the secret," you attract to you what you think you deserve or secretly want. So the more I say I want to find my life's purpose and the less I act on it there is some clashing going on here...So whats my next step?