Life is a whole lotta gray

I've learned as I've grown older that I have always categorized things as black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. The concept I have had the most trouble with is that life is a whole spectrum of gray. As painful as something may be there is always something positive about every situation. Losing a job can be the opening of a new adventure, getting into a difficult relationship can wake you up to the things that you have been struggling with as an imperfect person, completely changing your life plans can finally give you the opportunity to finally face the problems you have been ignoring for a long time. Nothing is black and white.

I was talking to my best friend's mom for about 4 hours today about life. I find those conversations liberating because I realize how young I really am and how I keep continuously thinking things are so damn important. I look at the past couple years of my life and all the hardships I have gone through and I just want to laugh. I just got so anxious about every tiny little thing...what was so damn important! I never had a life or death situation and I was never in danger. I love hearing about other's mistakes because I feel as though I can learn from others because I don't know if I'll have enough time here on earth to make all the mistakes I possibly can haha. I think what I find incredible is that I also make the same mistakes over and over again (and from talking to others I am not alone in that action either). It is like I constantly want to make things right (see there goes that right or wrong thing again). I get so worried about how other people view me instead of how I view myself, which is the most important thing.

Last year, people kept asking me, "What do you want Stephanie? How does that make you feel?" I never had that voice in my head before asking myself what I want and what I need and, instead of embracing that this voice is there now, I ...kind of.... would like it to go away. I know we all need to be selfish sometimes and take care of ourselves, but I have always been one that likes and enjoys taking care of others more than myself (actually to the point where I am forced to take care of myself: is that kindness or masochistic?). This brings me to a slightly tangent topic of love.

Love is not black or white, its not good or bad, its not this or that. It is how you feel about someone. It is funny the things we do for love, to the point of insanity almost. Why is it that we are so desperate for love that we hold on so tightly to the ones we love? I learned last year how often people go back to their exes to try and make it work. Why does love drive us so much and pushes us out of our comfort zones? It is so hard to accept a situation for what it is and let go of that with which we can not control. I have made many mistakes in life and in love...I'm still working on it...I guess my next lesson is to not beat myself up for the things that have happened because they felt like the right thing to do in the moment so I can not regret anything I have done because all my actions have always come from my heart.

So what mistakes have you made?