Tears of Joy

Joy isn't a word for a feeling that I experience consistently.  Maybe satisfied with life or content but pure joy is rare.  I was in my car driving back to work for the night yoga class; the sun was setting and there were gorgeous colors blending together of purples, oranges, and reds.  The trees were in shadows but you could distinguish them from the brightness of the sky.  It honestly looked like a painting.  Great music was playing on my radio and I sang while buzzing along the highway. I could feel my newly cut hair (which it hasn't been this short since freshman year of college) rustle against the back of my neck and the new lightness on my head, like I'd chopped off all the dead weight I've been carrying since I came back home in August.  Suddenly, I felt this warm fuzzy feeling in my heart.  It crept up my throat and back down through my body.  The funny thing is I first felt anxious because I didn't want it to go away (attachment: something I struggle with).  

I tried to come back to the fuzzy feeling stirring in me, but fear crept in.... I didn't want to feel happy because too many times its been taken away, but I'm tired of my old patterns, I'm tired of being scared of living my life.  So, in my true dork fashion all within five minute span of time I went from the beginnings of joy, to anxious, to fear, and then to crying tears of joy because I was really truly happy.  Sure, tomorrow might be different, in a week I'll probably be right back in the throws of life's ups and downs, but for now all I can experience is gratefulness for being alive and being me and moving on.  Embrace the joy.

Flowing and Hardening

I have a hard time being soft. I know how to push. How to push myself. Nothing is ever good enough; I could always do more, be more. I came to a very early morning yoga class before I worked today and I went into the class with an intention to be gentle.  This, of course, did not happen, because I have conditioned myself that being gentle on myself means I'm not the best I could be.  Where did I learn this from?  

I was going through the class and exerting every muscle I could.  I could not flow with my breath.  With every pose, I wasn't celebrating my body and what it could do, I was asking myself what could be more in alignment.  An attitude of nothing is ever enough permeates all aspects of my life.  And I have begun to notice how that affects my body.  I'm stiff; as if I let go and be soft that I might just fall apart all together so I harden more.  How much more weight can I lift, how many walls can I  build around my fragile heart so I can not experience how inadequate I truly feel.

I'm not alone.  Some people are aware of the fallacies they hold in their head and some people go on covering up and ignoring the thoughts in their head and the pain comes out in their body as a result.  So how do we break this voice in our head that says do more. be more, push more? Write it out.  Just like I am doing here.  Getting out of my head and out there onto paper, or the screen, or just in front of me makes me read the thoughts, acknowledge, and realize how completely wrong they are.  Then you get the opportunity to yell, challenge, change, laugh at your own thoughts.  Thoughts are not facts!  I am good enough!  It is possible to hold yourself up on the outside and be strong while creating inner softness.  Then shine from your heart out.  

Shine on.  

Almost New Years

It was strangely beautiful, gorgeous, warm weather yesterday at the end of December (wave hello to globing warming) and so before meeting up with a long time best friend, I took a walk in the woods.  Good thing I was wearing boots because it didn't even cross my mind that melted snow and dirty woods would mean a lot of mud...luckily I did not fall and get a face full of gooey earth goodness.  Anyways,  as soon as I take time for myself these days my brain goes into over drive.  Its like, "O it is quiet time and you aren't distracting yourself with those books of yours or the computer so now its my turn for you to listen to me!"  Anyone else experience this when they finally slow down?  All of a sudden there are a million personal things/thoughts that weren't on the top priority list that come to the surface.

I thought a lot about this past year, playing situations and events over and over in my head.  It became like a bad record.  For the first time though I used the skills I have been learning lately to question why I am stuck on this repetitive thought.  Surprisingly, I knew the answer.  I wanted to change past events, to go the way I wish they would have gone, to perhaps cause myself and others less pain through the process of past situations.  It is funny what our minds think they can do.  I mean I know the mind is a powerful thing, but unfortunately it does not have the capacity to travel back in time and fix that which we think "went wrong."  So what to do now?

Alright, I have confronted the fact that I'm still holding on to my past and that I have this notion in my head that maybe if I could fix what happened that I could be a more worthy individual of affection.  This was key to realize.  I think we all get stuck on things because our egos get in the way or our lack of self confidence and needing that extra boost.  Ultimately, no matter what I think and no matter what has happened my self worth never changes.  This is something we all need to remember.  No matter what actions you engage in, no matter what people cross your path, you are still worthy of everything beautiful and good that this world has to give.  So let go for today.  Let bygones be bygones.  Embrace all of your past because it is what makes you, you and breath into the present.  

Just a little while...

Suppose a man were wounded by an arrow, and when the surgeon arrived, he said to him, "Don't pull out this arrow until I know who shot it, what tree it comes from, who made it, and what kind of bow was used." Certainly the man would die before he discovered the answers. In the same way, if you say you will not be a monk unless I solve all the questions of the world, you are likely to die unsatisfied. - Majjhima Nikaya I know I know....don't yell at me...its been awhile. I haven't been a faithful writer have I? But, I will say that it is probably a good thing because that means that I am being more present in my life and moving away from my computer, even if that is not fair to you. So what happens in the life of a walking talking contradiction for a whole month? The quote above really describes exactly what I have been going through. I have been trying to find the "perfect" path, the "perfect" career, the "ideal" way of life for myself. It doesn't exist. Well it does and it doesn't hah. It only exists in our mind. If we believe we are living the perfect life, then we are, but we are only living the perfect life in the contexts of our self, which to be honest is the only context that matters for each individual. Every career or path I thought of I would tell myself I wasn't ready or I couldn't handle it or there was more I would need to learn. But, ultimately, as the quote above states, if we keep putting our dreams and goals off for fear of not knowing enough then we will never aspire or achieve anything. Plus, we learn and become wise by doing. You have to ride a bike and fall to be a master at staying on a bike with steadiness. You have to speak in front of people and mess up your words to become more articulate. We as human beings are doers and with all the messages and media around us it is so easy these days to get stuck in our heads. Negative thoughts and put downs are never helpful. Although, I will be my own devil's advocate and say that sometimes negative actions will help us catch ourselves when what we are doing is not in alignment with what is healthiest for ourselves. A food binge can be a trigger to tell us that something in our life is not right. We deprive ourselves of affection, love, communication, and expression because some where along the way we are told we are not good enough just the way we are (or we never got that message to begin with). Well for today embrace you. Every tiny little thing about yourself. Love yourself. Go ahead, give yourself a big hug right now, because you are a perfect being right here right now, just the way you are.

Thankful

Thanksgiving came and went really fast this year didn't it?  I can't believe December is tomorrow.  Where did the summer go?  Thanksgiving is this time where we over eat, over drink, and generally live excessively.  As soon as the day has gone, preparations for the holidays begin.  The day after Thanksgiving I saw two cars with trees tied on top already and people have already started putting up Christmas lights.  What are we in a rush for?  I'm still trying to think about what I am thankful for.  

Let' see, this year I am thankful for:  a supportive family, a roof over my head, perspective, that despite the struggles I have been going through I know they are relatively small in the grander picture, that I have a job (that I like), I am thankful for time.  Time is always something I thought I didn't have enough of.  I rushed from one thing to the next, with the mantra in my subconscious go go go!  I liked the rushed feeling (I still do), but I am learning the importance of slowing down.  What am I rushing towards?  What are we all running around for?  We have commercials and the internet telling us to hurry up to get that present, to buy that food, to decorate our house quick or else....what?  We won't find happiness haha?

I will admit I love buying presents for others and I love walking around a mall around the holidays because there is this cheer of giving that you don't find on a regular basis.  I wish we had the mindset of going to do things for the sole purpose of making others happy and bringing more joy into their lives, but alas most of the time we're running around like chickens with our head's cut off.  Playing devil's advocate for a second though: one mustttt take care of themselves first before they can take care of anyone else.  Even the buddha taught that it is better to find inner enlightenment for yourself first before trying to teach anyone else how to find it.  We obtain wisdom and clarity by taking care of ourselves so that we can better understand other people's situations.  

So I guess the question I will leave you all with is how will you stay thankful throughout this entire holiday season?  And how will you try to incorporate slowing down in your every day life during a time when we are speeding up, yet biologically we're supposed to be slowing down and hibernating?

Speak up

I will announce my true dorkiness (yes I made that word up) right now.  I've read all four Twilight books.  I was addicted to them, but in my own defense, they got me through a very rough time.  I just went to go see the second movie New Moon and, while I know a lot of people will roll their eyes at this new trend of vampire love movies, it brought up a lot for me.  Ya know how some things are just connected to memories?  I was reading these books when my ex and I broke up.  I needed something light, something to make me laugh, and because I am a hopeless romantic, it suited all my needs.  I remember I was having such a hard time with the break up that I went to Borders and sat for hours reading the third book and buying it only for the sole reason of knowing that if I went home with nothing to do...I didn't think I'd make it through the night.  

I was so excited to see this movie.  But, I don't think I fully thought through what it would bring up for me.  I cried a little at various spots.  Not because the movie was that particularly moving, (although I did enjoy it greatly haha) but more because of remembering past moments.  How I watched the first movie on my birthday with my ex, how I read one of the books lying in bed with him only so he could make fun of me for reading such...well crap hah, how he also promised me he would always be there for me...and now...he's not.  I know he's with me in spirit; all that we learned from each other, and no one will understand what we had and what we went through together except for us and no one can take that away.  Yet, it still hurts. 

I am reading a book right now about the mind body connection and how our bodily symptoms tell us what is going on with us psychologically.  When I left the movie, my throat started to hurt and the only thing I could think of was that I needed to express this pain that I can't stuff this down and think it will go away on its own.  We all experience pain and suffering.  Just think of the four noble truths.  If we are a living and breathing creature we will experience pain.  I'm not afraid of it, but I certainly do have a hard time expressing it.  I get this idea in my head that I have to be strong and portray a facade of put togetherness (another made up word for ya) when really I just want to express how I really feel and I want others to feel comfortable around me to do the same.  When someone asks the question, "how are you today?"  Instead of just going through the motions of saying I'm fine how are you?  Next time, take a moment and actually ask yourself how am I really?  You might surprise yourself.  And answer honestly, who knows maybe you will strike up an interesting conversation with someone and find that connection we all are searching for so desperately on a constant basis to know we are not so alone.  

So that is really all I have to say right now.  I am feeling my pain, I am feeling the tears run down my cheeks, I am expressing my longing for old times, for the touch of someone no longer present in my life and I hope I can transform this feeling into something positive for myself.

Presence

I know I haven't been writing as much.  I have found myself both elated with my life at times and other times so frustrated I don't know what to do with all the emotions I am experiencing....which usually ends up in me crying and then I feel much better.  Yesterday by far topped off the most absurd week.  I worked from 7 in the morning until 8 at night.  By the end of the day I was exhausted, a little angry for some reason, I felt lost, disconnected, tense.  I had no idea what to do with all these emotions that just kept building and building within me as the day progressed.  I kept trying to find my breathe, practice yoga, release some tension, use all the mindfulness I have learned over the years to soften myself, but to no avail the frustration inside me kept arising.  

Finally at 8 p.m. I got on the road to go home after not seeing my house since 6:30 that morning. I got on the highway praying that there was no traffic, as there has been a lot of construction lately.  I saw a lot of cars on the road and, worrying I would hit traffic and be delayed getting home and making the cup of tea I so desperately wanted, I got off several exits early and thought, "O I'll just use the GPS on my phone and use the back roads to get home."  Now, I was not thinking about how I only had one blip of energy on my phone left because for some reason my phone did not charge last night (which I later found out was because the cord came out of the wall).  Are we seeing where this is going yet?

So in the back roads, in the pitch black, I have no idea where I am, my phone blinks that it is low battery and I knew that meant it was going to turn off and all I could hope was that I first got to a road with my GPS that I knew.  Well of course that didn't happen.  The first thing I did...I started to cry.  It was like the last straw of the whole day.  I felt completely and utterly alone and lost; both in the literal and figurative sense.  Traveling through the dark winding roads though it was a strange thing.  I heard my ex's voice in my head telling me to trust my instincts (plus this occurrence is something that would only happen with him).  I made several turns before getting totally freaked out over the darkness of the back roads and decided to pull off at some random person's house and ask for directions.  

I knocked on the door of  a quaint looking house and before answering the door they asked who I was.  I explained my predicament and then a cute older couple answered the door.  I of course found the one house that did not own a computer (yes these people do exist!).   The funny thing was, I was going the right way the whole time.  It was this one fork in the road that I suddenly became indecisive and gave up on my instincts.  I was so close.  I got back in the car, relieved to have directions in my head and made the rest of the way home.  

I think its interesting how much we can learn from such a small experience.  First, we have become too reliant on technology to tell us the "right" way.  We have it within us at all times, but in today's society we falter and start to mistrust ourselves because we have other means to find the answers externally.  Second, the rest of the way home I was laughing.  Laughing at how rushed I felt to get home, laughing at what just happened to me, laughing over past experiences and how nothing goes the way we expect it to.  This experience humbled me.  I felt so lost and alone; as if I were on a lone island.  But, stopping off to ask for directions I wondered why I felt so alone when there were a million houses around me.  We get so caught up in the moment we begin to generalize every thing we are feeling.  Instead of thinking I feel lost for this moment, I began to think I am so lost in my life.  This is a HUGE difference.  Remembering to take all the time we need to find our way both in small moments and in life is so important.  We only have this one life.  How do you want to spend it?

The mind is a powerful tool

I have slowly started to meditate again. First it started with five minutes here, five minutes there. A body scan in the afternoon to check in with myself. I worked my way back up to 20 minutes. Sometimes I was so agitated I continuously opened my eyes to see if the time was up yet. I tried not to beat myself up for what I considered a "bad" meditation and accepted that obviously I was a bit agitated that day and then it was up to me to look at why that was. Other times, I felt myself slowly bringing myself to the exact present. In these moments I never want my meditation to end. My mind is quiet and clear. A sense of calm and happiness comes over me. I can feel my palms on my knees, the blood coursing through my veins, the birds tweeting outside my window. I can feel the coldness of my fingers and toes. An itch surfaces on my skin and instead of finding myself struggling with not scratching I can investigate how it feels and how it appears and disappears just as fast as it came.

Meditation is a wonderful thing to engage in. Although for this morning it definitely brought out some intense emotions and frustrations. Everything is relatively going well in my life. After a rough period of depression I feel like the turbulent storm has calmed a bit and I can see a bit more still waters lately. I tried to sit for longer this morning. I recently obtained a meditation CD and thus I sat down with someone's voice in the background telling me to "relax." Considering that my eye is twitching now...I don't think it helped hahah. I sat for 40 minutes this morning. Not a particularly long time to sit, but for someone struggling with their mind on any particular day, it can seem like eternity. Any uncomfortable twinge that occurred in my back sent me into squirming around trying to get rid of it and cracking my back a million times in the process.

I tried a couple of times to let the uncomfortable sensations arise and ask myself why I needed to move? Why is it that when some unsettling sensation comes up in me I immediately feel as though I have to take action? I am sure I am not alone in this habit. Whenever we feel something is amiss or not right we engage in all sorts of weird actions to counteract the unsettling emotion/sensation/feeling/thought. We gorge ourselves with food, we over drink, we call a friend and gossip. The hardest task I think is facing our demons and being alright with them. Letting them sit there and linger instead of feeling as though they are "bad." My task for the day is to sit with all the uncomfortable sensations and thoughts that came up this morning and knowing today is still going to be a good day. How are you going to face your demons today?

Moving on

I am moving forward with my life.  It feels both liberating and petrifying.  I love the direction that I am going in, but I find myself flashing back to the weeks of depression and social anxiety I just encountered and I shudder.  Yet after reminding myself to breath through the sudden anxiety I just gave myself, I remember how brilliant the body and the mind are.  They have the capacity to adapt, to change, to renew.  We can cause ourselves to go in a downward spiral just by the thoughts in our brain or we can lift ourselves up and remind ourselves how resilient we are.  

Of course moving forward also means dealing with the original problems that got me to the place I was in.  It is amazing how much we can cover up and add on to a simple problem just so we can try and cheat at dealing with the main issue at hand.  So now that I have a smile back on my face and have become my conversationalist self again, I find myself dealing with all my little insecurities, about my need for acceptance, and wanting to be liked so badly that in the past I was willing to change who I was.  Well awareness and mindfulness can be both liberating and...well....a pain in the neck hah.  Now I watch the insecure thoughts go through my brain and I want to engage in the same actions I used to, but knowing that they are unhealthy, I try and just sit.

To be perfectly honest, I never realized what an emotional person I am!  It is so easy to ignore it all with television, or food, or the Internet.  We can make ourselves go numb; we can go get a drink, or get into drugs, or get obsessed with a relationship just to not deal with ourselves.  No wonder monks stay in isolation, they have enough to work with just with the imagination of the mind.  I think when people get into yoga and meditation at first they believe it will "cure" them.  But, the opposite happens.  I think at first things get worse.  All of a sudden you become more aware.  Aware of thoughts, sensations, smells, sights, sounds.  All these little things we take for granted every day that simply just pass us by.  It is overwhelming.  

And then we become aware of every thought going through our brain and there are so many! Suddenly things seem so much more complicated than before.  But, you are still you.  Nothing has changed except your awareness.  All this new input does not have to be perceived as overwhelming because as time goes on we see that life can be extremely simple.  I have learned what makes me happy and I am still learning how to follow this compass or path of new smiles.  I ask myself questions on a continual basis.  Why do I feel this way?  What is behind this emotion?  Where did this behavioral or thought pattern come from?  And how is it serving me now?  Sometimes we are so used to our patterns we have stopped questioning whether these actions are benefiting us anymore.  It is up to us....you can either make things very complicated or very simple.  You have the power, remember that. 

The only thing to fear is fear itself

I was sitting in front of my computer, staring at my blog, and knowing I wanted to write, but I was trying to find a theme. Contemplating over the events of my life right now the theme quickly came to me.

Fear.

It keeps creeping up from my toes all the way through my system, upsetting my stomach on the way, and interrupting the thoughts in my brain. Fear. Its a nasty little thing isn't it? Fear of moving, fear of moving forward, fear of looking back. Fear of failure, fear of letting go. Fearful of the confidence I feel I lack to do the things I know I want to do.

I have a close friend who is a certified meditation teacher. We would travel around for AmeriCorps workshops last year and thus many conversations would come up on these long drives. I think last year I realized what an emotional person I am and the main emotion I feel most of the time is fear. Fear of my own emotions even hah. She would constantly remind me to acknowledge the fear. That fear likes to play its own movie out in our head where fear is the dramatic main character. She would remind me to acknowledge my fear (her starting a conversation with fear, "o hello fear! There you are." as I sat laughing at her.) She had this amazing capacity to strip away what was fearful about fear.

The more we avoid something, the more power we give to that emotion, person, situation, you name it. Its like saying, "don't think of pink elephants." Well after someone says that the only thing you are going to think about is pink elephants. I am trying to realize my fear more and more and the more it comes up every time I put myself out there to pursue my dreams. It is an interesting experience to acknowledge how fearful I am about making movement in my career and thus I know how important this path is to me and thus I keep pushing myself forward. We all may lack in confidence at one time or another, but fear should never hold us back from pushing ourselves to grow as human beings. Perseverance and resiliency. We all have it; its just a matter of tapping into our own inner strength.

Two roads diverged in the woods...and I took the wrong one

I had myself a little adventure yesterday. I find myself getting out more and wanting to get more involved in life again...after months and months of not feeling like myself, I actually had a smile on my face for most of the day today (although that could have also been because I took two yoga classes back to back). Anyways, yesterday afternoon I was feeling particularly anxious and thus I decided to head into the woods: the only place I really have found calms my nerves, my brain, my breathe. I decided to walk in the Audubon Center, which my mom and I have done a million times. It was a beautiful fall day and I took my camera and had some fun with creative shots of nature and the little things we miss because we are always in a rush; like the way the sun hits some leaves and brings out all the vibrant color of a leaf changing its color.

There were a lot of leaves on the ground and I noticed how loud my walking was. Even when I tried to step lighter I felt extremely loud in the quiet nature of the Audubon. Truth be told, it wasn't all that quiet with birds chirping and insects making their own unique noise and because of all the leaves I could hear every squirrel jumping around (I even got to take a picture of the cutest chipmunk). I somehow made my way through the trail by myself and ventured on other trails that I had never been on before with my mother. It was a lot of fun exploring and gaining the confidence to take an adventure by myself.

I had all these landmarks in my head that I knew I was on the right path, but somewhere along the way I got lost. Now the Audubon Center is not that big. Sure there are a couple of trails but it is all basically a big circle, thus I kept thinking, eh I'll circle around and pop myself out at the end eventually." So an hour and a half later, bladder full and feeling a little hungry, I started to get a little anxious after I had past that tree for maybe the third time. It is funny how nature can turn from something so calming to extremely claustrophobic. I had to get out. I whipped out my cell phone and used my GPS so pop me back out on a road on the complete opposite side of the Audubon (although I didn't know it was the opposite side at the time). I started to walk thinking oooo the car can't be thatttt far away.

Seeing cars and saying hello to people on the street was comforting, but after another half an hour (my stomach now bursting because I had to pee so bad) I felt helpless to the fact that I was lost. Like a 5 year old who needs her blanket, I called my mom hahaha. Stating as she answered the phone, "who the hell gets lost in the Audubon Center???" She laughed hysterically and hopped in the car to come and find me. I kept walking while waiting and came across a church. It felt odd walking into a random church that was clearly empty but I was ready to knock on someone's door I had to pee so bad. The first time my nose actually knew the direction exactly to the bathroom...I guess my bladder has better navigational skills; and this pee was the type of pee you moan and smile afterward because it felt that good.

After around two and a half hours after leaving my house thinking,"O I'll just go for a half an hour walk," my mom found me leaning up against a mailbox hysterically laughing over how this could only happen to me. The funny thing is that I wasn't even upset, it is the best day I had in awhile and I had a smile plastered on my face for the rest of the day. Moral of the story is: Get out of the house, get lost, experience life with all its unexpected turns, and remember to laugh at how nothing seems to go the way we think it is going to, but sometimes what does happen is better.

P.S- my car was about a ten minute drive away...it probably would have taken me the rest of the day and into the evening to walk to it :)

I thee wed...

My brother got married this weekend. It brought a lot up for me. A lot of thoughts about life, about love, about what is important. Your brother getting married is a big deal and I didn't feel anything....I mean nothing at all...until the night before. Last night I lay in bed and thought about my brother's relationship with his now wife. They have been the best role model of a healthy relationship that I have seen yet. That you can fight and bicker with your loved one, you can get upset and the love is still there. That a healthy relationship is about making compromises and about bringing more light and laughter and sweetness into the other person's life. I lay in bed and I started to cry. My brother and his wife have been there for me in the past year endlessly. My brother in general has stuck up for me countless times over my life: for example at my senior prom when my own divorced parents were bickering at each other and I was about to burst into tears he pulled me aside and told me how beautiful I looked and not to let anyone ruin this day for me or make me feel any less special than I am. This is the type of man everyone deserves in their life, that when the tough gets going, they are there to give you some extra strength and make you remember the bigger picture.

As of late, I finally feel as though I have been coming home to myself. Remembering that all the suffering that I deemed as so important is rather small in the bigger picture. My legs work, my body parts function, I can see, hear, read, talk, understand, explain, I don't have cancer, I'm not dying....I get to live each day with spirit and determination to fill this world with something better...to be of assistance to others to help them through pain that I have known so well. The question I have for tonight is....if you out there are like me and are destined to be of assistance to others, that you feel it is your calling, then who do you belong with? If everyone is someone you can help.....then who can help you? Who can be your match? And will you be able to recognize it when it comes along? And when it does come along....is it right timing? Why is everything about timing? If something is so clear, if you understand that you are on a spiritual plane or have a connection with someone that is so strong, but it is wrong timing what do you do with that? How long are you supposed to "wait" for it to be the "right" time?

And going in the complete opposite direction, why is it that love and finding our "match" is the ultimate pursuit in our country? Or for that matter every country. Finding someone to love, according to research, makes our life span longer, we are healthier, and we thrive more as human beings. What is it about love that transforms us, that changes us? I have talked to a lot of people about their past relationships and each time they are more clear about "what they are looking for." Most of the time people just gloss over this minor change that has occurred within themselves, but I say take notice. You have now just made alterations in your brain to sniff out what you deem as "the right person for you." And how do we make these choices? Is it intuition? And where does intuition come from? Do we match people up by the parents we had or the siblings we grew up with? Trying to simulate in another person the relationship we already are familiar with? Is that all love is? I'm beginning to babble aren't I? Anyways, some questions to put out into the universe for which I would love some feedback....

When all else fails, go find a new trail...

It has been a slow process of feeling like me again.  Approximately three months to get myself off the floor, get a job, and start smiling again.  The not crying thing I'm still working on, but I find the crying bits come less and less and for less time over the things that I have felt I have "lost" over the past several months.  

I believe the concept that I have finally come to understand is that we never really lose anything.  It is only a matter of our perspective.  The relationship that ended didn't really end it has just changed.  The love and appreciation will always be there just in a different manner.  I didn't lose my innocence rather my wisdom has blossomed. And lastly, I didn't lose my way, but the journey is continuing at all times.  The one idea that I have read about over the past couple of weeks that has helped me tremendously is that the people that fail the most, succeed the most.  For instance, Abraham Lincoln failed at just about everything he tried to succeed at (he ran for office, but not president, until he was in his 50's and never won several times).  That's right, until his 50's he had a stream of failures and now he is known as one of the greatest presidents in our American history.  

It is hard to see the silver lining or the optimistic side of things (or even the bigger picture) immediately  after a big downfall occurs.  All we can do is wallow and I have come to appreciate this "hitting the rock bottom" period.  I truly believe that we all need to go through rough times to be able to fully appreciate what we have, who we are, and grow more as human beings.  

I went for a hike yesterday.  All by myself.  It was just me, the beautiful sun, and my camera.  As soon as I entered the woods, I will admit, I got teary eyed.  Having spent the past five years of my life in VT I am used to be around woods all the time.  As I entered into the trails all of a sudden it felt like I could breath again.  For the next hour and a half I finally did not have a thought in the world except for pure happiness for being able to smell pine needles and listen to birds and insects buzz.  I could have stayed in there all day, but I had to get home to go to work later.  I promised myself that I would make an effort to find some woods to walk in once a week so I can perhaps take a break from the constant chatter in my brain.  Every one has their safe haven.  What is it for you?  Go find it and make it a priority to enjoy that place more often.

And she's back!

Seventy four dollars later and a new shiny keyboard my computer is back and the tapping of the clean keyboard has never felt so pleasant. Although I will admit, having my computer back is a burden already. Being able to actually be present with the people and situations around me has been a nice change and now that I have my computer back I feel myself slowly being sucked back into the internet world.

I have a random question....do we ever really fall out of love with our first loves? Or is it that we just go out and try and find someone that stacks up to our first love? Is there a time when the grieving process is supposed to stop/when it has gone on too long and its time to get back out there? I just can't do it....and I don't want to either. The pain that there is someone out there that I love so much and I'm not even talking to them because of my emotional attachment is a hard thing to bear and grasp. I understand how important it is to actually move on that each party takes their time to contemplate the whole situation on their own.

Everyone keeps telling me to get angry. "Stephanie you shooouuulllddd be angry!" But I just can't. For far too long I have been able to separate someone's behavior from the person they are. I believe I see people for who they are or who they can be and their behavior is so sign of their integrity. Of course this may get me hurt because people may have a lot going on in their own lives that makes their behavior not exactly top notch, but I still refuse to see people in a negative light. What the point? So we can feel better about ourselves?

I don't believe in putting others down. I was never good with come backs and my ability to be sarcastic...well I was a late bloomer. I pride myself on honesty. Complete and brutal honesty and that is only what I ask of others. I find it hard to be honest with myself these days though. Sometimes I don't even know which way is up and which way is down. Like my mother said to me today, "you have a lot of voids right now." Its an unsettling time...out of college, mid transition...I've got about three jobs right now just to test out the waters in several careers although I have to admit I am starting to get excited about the future visions I am seeing of a yogic health counselor who gives therapy with walks in the woods or over a cup of tea haha. Active therapy...screw this sitting down crap: I wanna be moving around.

Hitting rock bottom can really be liberating. We finally get to see that all the things we fear and work so hard to avoid eventually can and do happen. There is nothing we can control in life except our perception and our own reaction to events.

Disappearing act

So my computer alas is malfunctioning.  It is amazing what just a little water can do to such a high functioning machine.  This is why I have disappeared for a little bit, as I have enjoyed the extra time to read all the many books I want to get through instead of putzing around on the computer for hours at a time.  What I do notice though is I have a lot more time to think without all the extra computer distraction around.  I'm trying to accept this as neither a good thing or a bad thing, but just it is what it is kind of situation.  Although, I will admit my brain is getting very tired.  I feel like I am constantly on fire mode with my brain constantly sending out every single thought I can possibly come up with and then having to deal with sitting with it all and reminding myself they are not facts they are just thoughts.

It is a really weird experience to tell yourself that you don't have to believe yourself.  I mean we would think that the thoughts going through our heads are indeed truths, but how accurate are they?  Are the thoughts possibly covering up some other deeper issue that we could be avoiding or is the thought itself the issue at hand and we are trying to stuff it down into our subconscious?  I am slowly re-learning why meditation is so important for me. While it certainly does not quiet my thoughts whatsoever, it does indeed let me watch them as they fly by and realize that thoughts will come and go just as quickly as they came.  So how can any thought really be completely fact if they are like the scenes in a movie just playing themselves out.  

I've been trying to make small goals for myself.  Like take an hour walk every day to get in the extra amount of walking I was getting in my old lifestyle in VT.  Or speak up for myself.  After the tumultuous events of my life over the past several months, I've just gone completely quiet like I wanted to disappear or blend into the walls of every room.  I read in a book we treat others the way we treat ourselves.  I noticed how I hardly said hello to anyone unless they said hello to me.  This further proved to me how much I wanted people to pretend I wasn't there so I could just ruminate over the past as much as I wanted.  But, this isn't me.  It brings me a lot of compassion for people who are quiet or rude or angry, depressed, sad, etc. because we never know what is going on with someone on any given day.  It think it is hard to separate a person from a person's behavior because the two may be out of alignment.  Plus, it is so easy to take things personally when someone is short with us when possibly that person is hungry, or tired, or had just recently had a fight with someone else.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we all have to be true to ourselves.  Not speaking and wanting to disappear, will not make one's life any easier and will most likely make interactions much more difficult.  I am truly learning how I like to be and I know by the smile that is on my face after an interaction in which I felt like "myself."  Everything needs a balance.  Listening is very important, but not speaking one's mind at all ultimately stifles one's creative process and growth.  We learn from others when we speak our mind and get feedback and a challenging notion to what we believe is true.  So for today: Listen, speak, engage, laugh, smile: life is short and the more we fail the more we learn and the more we learn the more we grow.  

Computer Vacation

I spilled a little bit of water in my computer yesterday. This happened to me with my old computer about three years ago, but that time I spilled an entire 16 oz. glass of water into my computer. Amazingly, my computer 48 hours later turned back on. I learned a lot through that experience. For example, if you're going to spill anything into your computer, have it be water because everything else will fry your system. Right when you spill something into your computer, turn it off and unplug it. If it is totally soaked take out all batteries and any little pieces so they can't get wet and dry the computer as best you can (even with a blow dryer). Don't turn the computer back on for 24-48 to allow time for all the water to dry.

So yesterday when I spilled a little bit of water into my computer, I first freaked, and then followed those directions I remembered and thus was without a computer for the rest of yesterday and most of today. As you can see, my computer turned back on (I had faith that it would, but nevertheless I am now updating my external hard drive, which I bought the last time this happened, because really everyone should always have a back up). I have to say though, 24 hours without my computer was blissful. It didn't matter what mail I got, or who was online, or what information I could look up. I have three books I have been trying to read with a lot of distractions and anyone who wanted to truly get in touch with me knows my phone number.

I think taking a break from the internet and all this technology can be a good thing. I always have a long list of things I want to accomplish in a day and the one thing that always gets in my way is the computer. I find I could spend hourssss on the computer and then any time to read the books I want to, or even just to take a walk outside and catch some sun shine, or be creative and go on an adventure well the time slips away from me with the abundant amount of information at my finger tips right here on this computer.

So perhaps I'll learn from this experience: if I ever truly want to get anything done I need to turn off my computer. What gets in your way of finishing your long list of tasks?

The rush of life

I know I know...It has been almost a week since I have written, which doesn't exactly go along with my promise to write every day does it? Its amazing how caught up with life we get. The things we put at the top of our list slowly get pushed to the bottom. I found myself sitting around thinking about how I should write, about how it makes me feel better to get the thoughts out of my head and into the universe but I was stuck in my head about what I ought to do instead of actually taking action.

I find that this happens to a lot of people. We make all these plans and decisions but when it comes down to action time we get stuck. Why is this? Are we afraid of committing? Failing? Fear? I know every situation is different, but why is it we get caught up with our emotions instead of just taking action? I know there are benefits to thinking through things and having foresight in mind before taking action (something I am still working on...I tend to get caught up in a moment instead of thinking ahead to the consequences), but when does it get to the point when there is too much thinking and not enough action.

I signed up to become a health counselor. That's right...me a health counselor hahah. If you had told me when I was in my "I'm going to be an actress!" phase that I would be submerged in the yogic, healthy conscience world...I would have laughed in your face. But after getting over the initial shock of the fact that I just spent a large portion of the money I had saved up for my other Graduate Program at Naropa, I got really excited. I committed myself to something. I took action. Finally! I felt as though I was stuck in the thought phase there for awhile and now that I am taking some preparatory online classes and taking notes again its wonderful. I really feel as though my profession should just be life long student. School is where I am most at home, learning is what I am good at. So by July I will have the tools and skills to give advice on any health concerns, which is far too exciting to even put into words. So if any of you have any questions...throw them my way!

The New Year

So I have been trying to avoid religion discussion because I don't really consider myself a religious person, but more of a spiritual person. Yet, I was brought up Jewish and tomorrow (well starting tonight after sundown) is Yom Kippur. This holiday (to me) is about thinking about the past year and how I wronged others and the gossip I may have spread and engaged in and how I have been hurt and hurt others as well. I think about the things I still need to work on and how my ego still gets in the way of fully communicating myself. I think the older I get the more I realize that I can talk about mundane things for hours or listen to people talk about anything forever, but talking about what is going on in my head and how I feeeeeel about things is ultimately extremely difficult for me.

I stayed in contemplation most of the day today and tomorrow I have a full day of contemplation at synagogue and you have to fast until sundown tomorrow. I made a lot of mistakes this past year. I hurt others by not listening to my heart and my intuition. I was selfish at times. I was brash and interrupted people. I couldn't let the love of my life go, which hurt both of us more and more as time went on. I put others before myself more than was healthy and sacrificed my personality, strength, and I lost myself. (So here I am going to apologize to everyone...if I wronged you or hurt you in anyway, I am truly so very sorry. I was trying to follow my heart and I did not mean to make you feel bad in any way. Everyone I have ever known or come into contact with is a beautiful soul and I know they continue to shine on right now.)

I was reading about astrology today and suddenly felt at home within myself. I forgot about all the personal interests that I had cultivated over the past couple of years that made me feel...like me, whatever that means. What really is the self? It is all a matter of perspective. The way we see ourselves and the way others see us can be entirely different. The way we see ourselves one day can be entirely different the very next day. Our brains are constantly revising, learning, growing, changing, and we have the amazing capacity within ourselves to heal. I feel like right now I am trying to regain who I was instead of accepting who I am now. I went through an extremely difficult last three years of my life so why I am trying to gain back someone who is so unhappy but covering it up with all sorts of other things....the only explanation I can ascertain is that I got comfortable with it/with the lifestyle.

Isn't it amazing how we can continue to live our lives in a way that is not conducive to finding ultimate inner peace within ourselves simply due to the fact that we become comfortable with living a life uncomfortably. We get used to putting ourselves down, we get used to waking up feeling anxious, we become accustomed to not living our lives to their full potential. So what are you going to do to start living your life to the fullest??

Right of Way

My funny haha moment of the day: I was in the car driving to the yoga joint to work for the night shift. I stopped at a stop sign and since I was in no hurry told the person across from me that they could go first. They happily waved me on first and thus I went and thanked them with a flash of my hand. As I drove off onto the highway I wondered....where did these hand signals come from? Why is a simple gesture with the hand tell someone they can go first...why am I not waving about in my car and that would mean please go ahead of me? And then the thank you signal...it looks like I'm giving the other person an air high five. Like, "Thanks for letting me go first! High five!" I was literally laughing at myself in the car while I was thinking of this.

There are signals all around us all the time. It is just a matter of paying attention to them. When I was living in Burlington I felt like I was constantly getting feedback, from whatever you want to call it, that I was in the right place at the right time. For example, right after I had started seeing a new meditation teacher, I was in the grocery store and had forgotten to snap off a piece of ginger. I ran to go get some and I bumped into her right as she entered the store. It is these little things that tell us that you and someone else are on the same journey and will affect each other in profound ways, unbeknown to you as of that moment. A lot of these little situations happened to me in VT and I am curious why they aren't happening to me now that I've left. Am I not paying attention or am I just really out of tune with everything right now?

Illusion

After years of not focusing on myself, I am being forced to have to actually focus on what I want. I think it is amazing how we can go through life comparing ourselves to others and trying to live up to others' expectations. Suddenly out of college and spending the past couple of years of my life meditating and doing yoga, I realize everything I was doing was just to look like a perfect person without even asking myself if I wanted to be doing what I'm doing. The funny thing about it though is that the yoga world is what brought me to all these realizations. It was both my savior and my downfall.

Thus, I have re-committed myself and I am trying to do yoga every single day and I can find myself realizing things about myself that I have ignored for years. It is hard to look at yourself and actually realize who you are and that your perception of yourself doesn't match up. So what do you believe? The person you show the world or the person you internally believe you are? I have no answers quite yet...but the first step is to ask the questions.

Tone of voice

I've always struggled with my tone of voice and it has got me thinking about how our words can be misconstrued by the way we say them. A lot of the time my words come out a lot stronger (even with a hint of sarcasm or anger in them) when I'm trying to say something constructive or just how I am feeling in the moment (although talking about my feelings is probably one of my least favorite things to do). Lately I have been around people who are so calm and even toned that anything they say you want to listen to them; even when they are giving constructive criticism. This might be because the way they are giving their words is with such gentleness that one is able to be receptive to anything that is being said. I wish I was one of those people, but I find myself constantly coming across stronger than I mean to.

This occurs more often since I am living with my mother. I know mother daughter relationships are completely different than any other relationship a daughter will have the rest of their lives, but its like I am constantly being shown the things I need to work on. She is the hardest mirror to have in front of me all the time and thus I get angry at her when she isn't necessarily doing anything bad or hurtful but my reaction to her actions show me the flaws I am working on and thus instead of accepting this with humbleness I get agitated.

Isn't interesting how worked up we get when our flaws are revealed to ourselves? Right away my ego goes into protective mode and my walls go up and I either stop talking (I lack in the communication area at times of frustration) or I lash out and say things in a brutal tone of voice. I know intellectually that my words would be more accepted and listened to by those around me if I said how I felt in a calm manner, but sometimes I just get so worked up all I want to do is yell, even when I know that won't solve anything. I suppose working with tone of voice comes with age, but I feel as though the sooner I master this, the more I will be able to clearly articulate myself and have healthier communications with others.

What do you find yourself working on and how do others help you through this process of revealing your flaws?

Spirituality

I had a very interesting day today...a lot of stimulating conversations in which I got to practice thinking for myself. I have realized in the past I was very open to believing what everyone said to me instead of privately asking myself if I agreed with this person's point of view or not. I now know that having conversations with people is a chance to cultivate yourself and a way to bring more depth and understanding of who you are by understanding what you believe in with regards to what other people believe in. I hope that sentence made sense haha.

Anyways, there are too many conversations that occurred today to go into them all...but I think the pearl and epiphany that happened to me today was an eye awakening experience. While driving to a yoga class this morning, I started to think about spirituality and what it means to be spiritual. I think after going through an eating disorder three years ago and turning to Buddhism for some answers I took away the wrong message. I thought by getting involved in yoga and meditation (which helped me tremendously) that I was supposed to be what our Western society has deemed what a "spiritual" person looks like: someone who is calm, serene, and tranquil. The ultimate vision of the Buddha mediating. I am neither calm, serene, or tranquil (of course I have my moments but not on a continuous basis). I have a lot of energy, I like to talk and I like to listen, I pride myself on having a strong character. But, for the past several years I altered and doctored myself to be something that I thought I "should" be if I was in this mystical world.

The other side is, people with strong personalities, tend to be easy targets to be picked on. So after much verbal abuse, eventually someone will dull their shine to "fit in." Why is that we are afraid of people who have outward confidence? Why is it that we feel threatened by other people's happiness? Are we envious? Jealous? Why is it that we pick on and make fun of each other so much? What are we afraid of?

I am slowly remembering who I was, who I changed into, and who I want to be as I grow up. Whoever said that the 20's is the best time of your life had it all wrong...I think its the second most tumultuous time (adolescence and puberty being the first) as you are figuring out how you want to live your life after being in college for around 22 years. I will add, as difficult as this time is, I am embracing every change, every uncomfortable thought, every unexpected turn, because life is a journey and I am on the wildest and loopy of rides.

Life is precious

Last night while driving home from the yoga joint I work at, it started to rain. I wasn't expecting it at all so I slowed down on the high as my windshield wipers don't actually fit my car and don't really work properly, thus making vision a little blurry...not too safe when you're driving 65 on the highway and its raining and a little foggy. My sympathetic nervous system kicked into gear and my heart was racing a little fast as I got nervous about getting into an accident. As I rolled off the highway I was relieved to be close to home. But, ya know what they say...most accidents happen when you're only 5 minutes away from your house.

Well it wasn't actually me who got into an accident, but I was fairly close. I was driving down the street and I looked in my rear view mirror and the car behind my swerved. I wasn't really sure what to do so I sped up and turned off onto a side road so they couldn't hit me and I saw out of my mirror they went up on the side of the road, half of their wheels on someone's lawn, and then kept driving right off on the lawn and down the road. My heart was beating out of its chest at this point and my hands were shaking. I couldn't believe that just happened in front (or well in back) of me and the fact that their car could have hit mine and then that would have been quite a mess.

When I drove the rest of the way home, I couldn't help but think about that person in the car. How shaken they probably were and I hoped they were alright. When I got into bed later, the whole situation flashed in my mind again and I thought, alright what can I learn from this experience. I've been leaving my house at the very last minute to drive 20 minutes away to get to this yoga joint on time and basically rushing, which has been thrilling, but not safe. I used to leave a lot of time for myself to get from point A to point B, but lately I just find myself putzing around later and later. If I am truly going to incorporate slowing down into all aspects of my life this means also being safe with my life and driving carefully. We're all in such a rush these days to get to where we are going, but if you enter anywhere with a smile on your face and a calm presence about you, no one will ever really ask or care why you're late.

I remember hearing a story one of my yoga teachers once told me. She was in charge of getting this famous monk (I honestly can't remember which one) to a college to do a lecture. They were already running late and he was stopping on the street and saying hi to everyone as well. She was naturally worried and freaking out because they were 1. late and 2. it was her responsibility to make sure that everything went smoothly. When they got to the college though, the monk, not worried by time at all, just smiled at everyone and people were so glad that he was there that any frustrations of having to wait vanished. Time truly is of the essence and merely a perception. So take the time you need to take care of yourself and everything else will work itself out.

And I took the road less traveled by...

What to say, what to say....I'm trying to embrace this whole slowing down thing. It is really rather hard for me haha but every day I feel more like myself again. My mind is slowly quieting, my spirit and vitality or creeping back into my personality. It is amazing how we adapt and change as the weeks fly by. Two months ago I was ridden with anxiety and not able to get off the floor I was crying so much. Today, I found myself actually smiling and laughing and not really caring that I hardly did anything until I went to work this evening. I think that is far more important than anything else that has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. I can actually see and feel my brain slowly down and that is truly amazing.

Have you ever watched yourself like that? I know you all have gone through a rough period at some point in your life. Think back to that moment.....(I'll wait...).....now think about how you are now. How did you get here? What changes did you make either consciously or subconsciously? How did you pick yourself back up again? The human spirit is an incredible thing to watch, but I find we rarely take the time to reflect on the constant changes that are occurring. I think even I had stopped watching how I've changed over the past several years and now it all caught up to me. I think that is why it is important to take that time to reflect and sit with one self so that you don't have the moment that I did of "Who the hell am I and how did I get here?"

I am beginning to become more excited about the prospects in my future....whatever it beholds. Less fearful of what is going to happen to me and more curious. Fear has never helped me or anyone I know. It holds us back from exploring with a child's like curiosity what is around us. How did we become so fearful of living life? I talked with a career counselor tonight to start some sessions to try to figure this whole what should I do with my life thing...I'm really excited about this...beaming actually is a good word. Maybe because I finally feel movement in my life again...things are slowly starting to pick up. Patience: it is one of the hardest virtues to behold and something I guess I am still working on.

Vivid Flasbacks

I've been pushing myself some what physically lately to feel as though I am accomplishing something these days. I've decided to take it easy this week as my body is screaming at me to slow down. So I just took a walk this morning around the back roads around my house. I didn't bring a watch, a cell phone, or even water. It was just me and my ipod and the sun decided to come along. As I was walking down the street I remembered what an old counselor used to tell me, which was to look around at everything as if you have never seen it before. It brings a whole new appreciation and clarity to life that I find I'm missing most of the time. So I decided to try and do this activity as much as I possibly could on my walk. I began with looking up at the trees. They were sooooo green and it was beautiful the way the sun peaked through the holes of the leaves. I saw the dew and the previous days' rain sticking to the grass. I stopped along a stream and listened to this small babbling brook and was extremely sad to find that some one had thrown trash in the woods below (I thought about picking it up but had no safety means to do that haha).

As I was walking of course my mind began to wander. I thought about things that I'm actively trying to not think about on a regular basis and for just this hour walk I decided to let myself think about the past few months. Regret, jealousy, rage, anger, sadness, happiness all arose. It is amazing how much emotion we can go through just by a single thought that occurs in our brain. Then our brain signals all of its amazing electrical currents to make us respond to these thoughts. What if some one didn't have that capability to respond to their thoughts? Would that be a blessing in disguise or would that person be completely numb to everything because they had no capability to respond? Interesting things to think about and appreciate the natural way we were made. I think it is so easy to get caught up with focusing on all the negatives going on in ones' life and forget about all the good that is going on at the same time. For instance, as I write this post, I haven't actually done much today except take this walk, read, and eat food, so I could say to myself, "wow you have no purpose right now do you?" haha but that wouldn't really be nice to say to myself, so instead, how beautiful is it that I can relax right now and lie on the floor with the sun shining on my face through the window.

Simplicity. I think that is what it all comes down to. We can complicate our lives as much as we want and create drama and wallow in our own self pity or we can flip it all around, decide to put on the rosy colored glasses, and feel blessed for all the little things we do have. As frustrated I am with my life at the current moment in time and the decisions I have made, I feel grateful for this time that I've given myself, even if I don't want to be taking it right now, I know I need to so that I can center myself after years of anguish and depression. So what are you grateful for?

Purpose...its that little flame that lights a fire under your...

I haven't felt a sense of purpose in a long time. I kind of got off track there for awhile because life got a little overwhelming. My last year of college I remember creating plans for myself to do social action through theatre, thus combining my theatre and my psychology degrees. Some where and some how I forgot that I wanted to do this. I suddenly remember what drew me to the somatic counseling psychology program at Naropa. It was a program that seamlessly involved being in one's body (what an actor has to do on stage) and learning about human nature. The program is naturally theatrical in nature and that is why I loved it so much because being involved in just psychology drains me and being in just theatre drives me nuts haha. I need both, they both keep me stable. I get the opportunity to be at peace while in front of others who need my ear to listen and then the theatrical side brings out my truly passionate and cheery nature.

I had an interview this afternoon to be the House Manager/Event Planner for a theatre near me. I haven't interviewed for a job I really want in a long time, but let me say.... I really want this job. I know I'd be perfect for it and that it would give me a purpose and make me feel as though I am contributing something to this world again. Do you ever leave an interview and remember about 10 million other things you should have told the person interviewing you about how perfect you would be for this position? Welp, as soon as I got into the car I was like damn it I should have told them about this and that and I did this too! O well....hopefully what I said was enough.

Afterward I continued on to Whole Foods, which I must say was a magical experience. I have been missing the opportunity to buy things in bulk (because ultimately it is cheaper and you can buy as little or as much as you want). Thus, it has been a pretty wonderful day...haven't had one of those in awhile...lets keep it up shall we?

No Kidding, Me Too!!

As I was working at the yoga studio this evening, I found a card on the front desk publicizing a website called No Kidding, Me Too!  Its mission is basically this: 

No Kidding, Me Too! is an organization whose purpose is to remove the stigma attached to brain dis-ease through education and the breaking down of societal barriers. Our goal is to empower those with brain dis-ease to admit their illness, seek treatment, and become even greater members of society.

I am a fulllll advocate of this!

I was immediately drawn to the cause.  I am someone who has been surrounded by mental illness my entire life and, who admittedly, suffers herself.  I grew up with most of my family suffering from some kind of mental illness as depression runs in my family.  I have struggled in and out of depression for years since my parent's divorce.   As I have grown up, I have had this need to understand human beings, especially the brain.  I have studied theatre and psychology in conjunction my whole life as I believe art mirrors life and life mirrors art.  I spent the past year and a half of my life working at a Drop-in center helping at risk and homeless youth.  These youth were not only struggling with either being homeless or having parents with mental illness who could not take care of them, but they were struggling with mental illness themselves and were using anything and everything to diminish the pain they felt on a continual basis.  While working at this Drop-in center, I also at the time was dating a male who was coming to terms that he was bipolar.  We are no longer together, but watching the ups and downs he went through every single day broke my heart. Mental illness is everywhere and I always feel like I am hiding something by not saying, "hey I have dealt with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, an eating disorder, and add a little OCD on the side."  I'm a full bag of fun let me tell you.  I wish we were all more open about the struggles we are going through or have had to go through in the past.  It makes me feel more connected to human kind when people tell me the struggles they have been through because suddenly I don't feel so alone (or ashamed of the things I have struggled with and continue to).  I promise to be more honest and open here and in my life because I'm tired of hiding behind the mask of a "normal" human being (whatever that means).

Time is of the essence

I had an interesting conversation with my mom last night at like midnight. The pearl she left me with last night was when we have time we have no idea what to do with it and when we don't have any time for ourselves we always say, "man I wish I had time to do X, Y, and Z." Here I am with all this time right now and I'm not doing anything with it. I keep sulking at the disposition I have put myself in instead of grabbing time by the horns and riding it for all its worth. I miss my old lifestyle in Burlington so much where I could walk anywhere and my favorite yoga places were right around the corner and I could walk to our Co-op which was right around the corner and buy spices in bulk that were really cheap. It is amazing how a place can change how you like to live your life entirely.

Yet there are interesting things to do everywhere and it is just a matter of going out and exploring your surroundings. On my trip to Boston this past weekend, I remembered what it was like to be spontaneous. My friends just wake up and go anywhere they feel like (of course MA is a bit more interesting than CT)...but the point is if you have the means to get to point A to point B (which I do) then it is just matter of motivation to get up and go...which I think is that part I am lacking in at the moment.

I took a class on motivation in undergrad about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. I have always been my biggest motivator to push myself to do the best and then do better after that. And now I feel like I have failed myself and I took a detour some where....first loves makes us go a little crazy I suppose. But I am feeling a little more back on track...whatever that means...every day is a new day right?

Clear mind

I'm not one who believes in all the hype of detoxes and such because I believe that food is vital to health and functioning properly. Yet, as I have been home where I grew up I find myself in all the classical conditioning I have learned and falling back into habits I had in high school...what is it about old atmospheres that transform us into people we're not anymore?

Anyways, after eating horribly since I have been home I have decided that I am going to do my take on a detox and just eat all natural whole foods for one week. This means no dairy, no bread, no sugar. I am still playing with the idea of if I am going to eat meat or not or just stick with soy for the week or just fish. It has only been the second day and I feel better already and I went to an hour and a half yoga class today which felt great. After all the confusion I have been through and continuously go through on a regular basis these days I want to find any way I can to clear out some of the clutter in my body and my brain.

Fear predominates most things in my life right now. Fear of rejection, fear of not being liked by everyone around me, fear of failing, fear of making a decision, a choice, because that means I'm closing the door on something else. But, living in fear only stops us from living it doesn't protect us from all the things we are fearing. Ultimately, I still go out every day and do things and talk to people and some people might like me and some may not so no matter how hard I try to control my surroundings everything I fear is still happening on a continual basis whether I am paying attention to them all or not.

I am also making decisions every single moment. How incredible is that! I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for all the little things we do every single day. To wake up and decide to eat breakfast, and to go work out, and to stop for that person on the street and help them pick up their things: we are making little choices all the time, yet by the end of the day....how do we forget all those little things? For today, I am going to pat myself on the back for how far I've come in life and that my journey is continuing every single second and I am glad you are all here sharing it with me.

Pahked my cah in Havahd Yahd

So I know it has been a couple of days since I've written...I decided to get out of town for this long weekend and visit some college friends in Boston. It was kind of interesting being around people who actually know who I was and who I am now...it was some what nerve racking to be around them. I've grown into quite the introverted person when out with my friends who I used to be extremely extroverted with. Of course, get me on a topic that I feel is something worth talking about and I'll chime in with my two cents, but lately I just feel as though if I have nothing noteworthy to say...so why say anything at all?

Anyways, it was one of my friends' birthday and thus we all got dressed up (which I haven't done in forever and that was highly entertaining) and went out to dinner and to some bars to go dancing. I was the only one not drinking and that didn't bother me at all because if dancing is involved I don't need any liquid motivation to inspire me to let loose and shake my hips. Dancing is one of those things that I will actually stay up until all ends of the night doing because it is one of the most liberating things you can do not only with friends but by yourself as well (I am a big advocate of spending an afternoon dancing around the house like a fool with my music blaring...if you have never done this I highly advise you try it the next time you find yourself alone and bored).

Bar scenes are....quite interesting. I don't spend much time at bars and rarely go to them. The whole idea of a bar is kind of funny. All these single people in a room lookin' to "get down". There were a lotttt of people in this large room with an awesome DJ and everyone had their own dancing and "come on" styles. The worst I probably saw of the night was this older gentleman who was relentlessly grabbing girls' hands and just starting to dance with them without asking...needless to say every girl walked away. By one in the morning, I was exhausted and sitting on a bench in the back of the room and looking at how over the past couple of hours everyone had seemed to pair off. Even most of the girls I was with had some how found some guy to talk to or dance with...or other things hah. I personally could never meet a guy at a bar. The fact that I rarely go to them, makes me already feel like a fake that if I met some guy he would think I'm some partier, which I am not (and yes I realize that someone out there could have been in the same situation as me). I guess I just need the opportunity to have a conversation with someone first before I let them run their grubby hands over my body.

Why is it though that we naturally pair off? It is extremely hard to go out in a situation like this just to have some fun with friends and not worry about a love interest or finding a date or someone to dance with. Why is just going out with yourself to have some fun never enough? These are the questions that passed through my head as I watched the night unfold. Even my eyes shifted about all night to see if I was possibly being checked out by other guys but then ended up looking up at the ceiling reminding myself that I don't truly care and am certainly not looking and ready to go back out there again yet anyways. But, yet it was something I had to remind myself constantly throughout the night. Why is it that love and finding it always seem at the forefront of most people's brains?

O Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Please Shine Down on me....

I didn't do much today...which is rare for me but it is probably a good thing that I begin to learn how to slow down every once and awhile. I wanted to share the best part of my day though.

I have been cleaning my room most of the day and throwing out a lot of clothes that are years old. I was filled with dust, which I could also feel in my lungs hah. I had yet to take a step outside, so I dropped everything I was doing and went into my backyard. My backyard is filled with a lot grass and trees and about 6 bird feeders (birds became my mom's fascination after I left for college). We now have regular visitors from birds, squirrels, turkey's, rabbits, deer, and chipmunks...I don't know what her friends are going to do when she moves out of this house.

Anyways, I walked straight into an area where the sun was clearly shining and plopped myself down on the grass and stared up at the leaves on this enormous tree in the middle of the yard. All of a sudden, things just seemed so incredibly simple...air, birds, breeze, ants crawling on my arms, and flies flying around my ears. It was the simplest clearest moment I have had in awhile...which makes me realize how I complicate life to no end when things naturally are simple and maybe it is just in human nature to search for more. Why is it so hard to accept the simplicity of life?

Come back to your breathe

I have been somewhat avoiding a continuous yoga practice. Things in my life have been in such an upheaval I didn't want to face any truths going on inside my brain. But, I have been practicing yoga for almost 4 years now (plus I went through a certification) so after awhile my body sort of craves it.

I haven't been sleeping very well....waking up at 1 in the morning and not being able to fall back to sleep for hours is a whole bunch of fun let me tell you. I have no idea how many proper hours of sleep I am going off of right now, but I was determined to get to this advanced yoga class today. Slightly groggy and filled with green tea I drove 20 minutes to the studio and was immediately glad to be there as soon as I walked in.

I got there extremely early and decided to meditate. I sat there in a big empty studio, on a block, listening to my breath. I had completely forgotten that I benefited from this stuff. For awhile I thought it was all bogus and why have I been spending so much of my time for the last several years on stuff that did nothing for me. But, sitting there and watching my thoughts pass by I remembered what it was like to be "in tune" with myself and to stop beating myself up for deferring school and coming home to get some down and a little more self exploration. I realized I am making this opportunity into one that is very difficult instead of embracing the situation I am in right now.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be...even writing those words my head wants to argue..."No you're supposed to be in CO right now!" I battle these thoughts by saying again, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Sometimes the events in our life don't go exactly as planned (actually most of the time nothing goes as planned). I am learning this more and more every day by watching the events happening to each person in my family. I doubt any one of them expected to be where they are right now, but yet here they are. Its hard to embrace any tough spot we find ourselves in but the more we let go of grasping for our circumstances to be different the better we are able to embrace our situation and find the motivation to change it to something that is closer to what we had imagined for ourselves.

I continue to search for what I have imagined for myself, but I'm still coming up short on the where do you see yourself in five years question....guess I'll have to come back to it another day.

When I grow up I wanna be...

I think back to when I was a kid when someone would ask my little self, "Stephanie, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I believe my various answers included horse trainer, fashion producer (I spent a lot of time pretending I could sketch dresses), and who knows what else. As I grew older, theatre became my continuous answer. I remember screaming at my mother when I was a teenager when she was trying to tell me how difficult it is to actually make a living in the theatre industry. "I don't care!!! I'm going to be in theatre whether you like it or not!" Like she really had anything to do with me "making it" in the business.

Now 23 years old, I'm literally stumped. I spent my entire college career going back and forth from loving psychology and then to being obsessed with theatre and now I truly don't know if I want to do either. Going into undergraduate school should really be postponed until an 18 year old has some time off from school and can explore what they truly like at a younger age. Therefore, we might eliminate the whole experience of wholy crap I'm finally out of school after 22 years of being in school and what the hell do I do with myself now. I would do undergraduate all over again if I could. All I want to do right now is go back to school.

I was reading a book the other day on everything an adult has probably forgotten since high school. It covered every topic from history to something as simple as recess hah. Now, I was never a science fan growing up, but suddenly protons and neutrons seemed interesting to me. So what am I supposed to do when suddenly everything in the whole world seems like an interesting and worth while pursuit. My friend referred to my brain as a sponge again, ready and open to absorb any and all information I want to put into it. Its only been a year out of college and I think I was bored out of my mind last year being out of school and no matter what activities I filled my day with I truly miss a classroom setting.

So how did you figure it out? That one thing that makes your heart sing? And how the hell did you get there???

Spread em

I went to the gynecologist this morning. This is probably the least favorite annual appointment that I have to make every year. I constantly want to crack jokes while the doctor is making sure there are no lumps in my breasts or searching in the under world to make sure everything looks pink and rosy perfect. The doctor is trying to engage in idle conversation to make this experience as comfortable as possible and to get the patients' attention away from the fact that this is completely awkward.

While she puts my feet into the stirrups, I'm thinking in my head this is it...she's gonna stick some metal contraption up in me now and its going to be really uncomfortable. While she's searching around down there I want to say something like, "Sooooo how's it lookin' down there?" I think one of the funniest parts is when the doctor finally leaves I make the most painful expression on my face because owwwwww you just scratched a piece of me out of me. I know that this is very important to make sure I am in tip top health but....OW.

Honestly, I love the dentist far more than the gyno. The feeling afterward is lovely, when you get to look in the mirror and see a new pair of pearly whites instead of the feeling of grossness in the under regions. A male friend of mine argued that the dentist is far worse as there are all those metal instruments in your mouth to which I replied, "imagine those metal instruments up your private part." He shut up after that.

The disease to please

I have yet to unpack all of my stuff since moving home, although I did just recently open my boxes to find out what was inside as I couldn't remember. One box was filled with books I had collected from others but have yet to read. One of them a friend gave me and told me I had to read this book. It is called the Disease to Please. Now, I've been carrying this book around for months, kind of afraid to open it up and realize that I had a problem haha. I mean how does helping people get to the point of being detrimental? Well it can...trust me it can.

I cracked open the book this morning and in it are the ten commandments of people pleasing. Now even if you deny you are a people pleaser (which I think part of me has for quite some time) I read these commandments and couldn't help but laugh...here they are:

1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.
3. I should always listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
6. I should never say "no" to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.

That is a lot of expectations for one self and yet some where/some time as I grew up I found these expectations definitely built up for me. When you are in the midst of people pleasing of course you're not going to think it is a problem...but during this past year when I tried to please everyone around me except for myself that is when I realized that what I originally thought was a positive character trait was actually tearing down my soul and my well being.

I think it is a product partially of our society that tells us that being "selfish" is a bad quality trait and a bad thing to engage in. I think there is a difference though between selfishness to the point that all you do is take from others without giving back at all and being selfish to take care of oneself in the ultimate pursuit of being able to be of more assistance to others around you. Are you a people pleaser, and if so, how do you take care of yourself?

To thine own self be true

To thine own self be true.

It is something I have tried to follow my entire life, but it is much harder to do when you want to fit in so badly with your surroundings that you become a chameleon. I have met a lot of people who unconsciously and consciously do this as well throughout the past couple of years. So what really is the self? How do we know when we are being authentic? Is it a gut feeling or the people we are around that make us smile or is the self just a conception of our own mind?

I have no answers...sorry...only questions. I suppose I believe the self is a matter of our perception and if we are content/satisfied with the way things are and the actions we are making then the self we are being at that time could be a person we are comfortable with.

I look around and see all the beautiful qualities in everyone around me and want to take snippets of every little person. That person's intelligence, and that person's comedic timing, and that person's calm presence. It is hard to focus on what you do have and all the wonderful qualities you possess when we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people. So for today I am going to list all the positive qualities about myself and embrace what I do have that resembles some what of a unique person and a consistent self with which I have to work with.

I suggest you make a list yourself as well. It hardly takes any time; just pull out a piece of paper, a sticky note, the back of a newspaper and a pen and write down 10 things about yourself that you possess that make you really happy that you are you. And please share! What makes you unique? For example I am really happy I can do a complete split and bring my head down to my knee while in the split haha.

Which way is up?

Do you ever feel as though the events that are happening in your life are going to change who you are forever? Of course going through tumultuous events in life it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and hindsight is always a funny thing afterward. I feel like I am in a continuous state of hindsight right now trying to track backwards to how I ended up feeling so lost. My best friend said to me yesterday after I was trying to grasp how such a highly motivated and ambitious person could fall apart like this and she replied, "Stephanie! You wore yourself out!"

....she had a good point. The more people I talk to I am realizing I am not the only person that this has happened to. Every now and then one has to go where home base is to reassess if they are "on track." I guess I always intellectually knew everyone around me, including myself, were constantly reinventing themselves, but actually emotionally going through it is quite unsettling. My mother was telling me last night how many times she has reinvented herself and changed her personality.

I suddenly feel like I have been living my life like it was a race....to where I am not exactly sure, but all of a sudden all I want to do is slowwww down. Growing up is mind blowing and I know those who are reading this who are in their 30's, 40's, and 50's will read this and tell me, "it doesn't get any easier."